All I want

All I ever wanted was to be the epicenter of global change earthquake waves
All I ever wanted was to be the face of a cause I'd be willing to die for
All I ever wanted was to be the voice of the trees; I am a daughter of the forest
All I ever wanted was to be reborn with each ocean wave that kisses each continent with the same salt water lips
All I ever wanted was to translate my passion into a language that the general public speaks

but now
all I want is you.

It's a constant pulsation between my temples
I'm hopelessly addicted and I don't even remember saying yes to the first hit

It was a night filled with flashing lights, heavy beats, and lots of glitter
and you literally appeared in front of me
I found you.
I wasn't even looking for you
I didn't even know I was looking

but now
all I want is you

I want you curled up next to me when I pull myself from my dreams
and let you taste the sweet surprise on my lips
at the fact that you actually exist

I want to speak my heartbeat rhythms into the lattice of microphones and see your face in the crowd

I want to be able to find the proper words to make you understand how much it means
that all I want
is
you.

Things that needed to be said

I want to be a woman.
I want to be strong, gentle, and graceful.
I want to treat everyone with kindness and respect
I want to be able to forgive those who wrong me
I want to be known as a hard worker
I want to find reasons to smile when I could easily keep a neutral face and blend in to the crowd

I am generally well liked
even generally well loved
I make a strong impression
but I refuse to quiet my personality
I need to get better at listening
but that's understandable because I've been working on becoming a better speaker
I am confident in my body and in my mind
I am calm and focused on my goals
I will change the world
and I should learn that I will always have self doubts
but that just means that I have room to improve
so as long as I continue interacting with the world
I will continue changing
and I will have things I dislike about myself
but there are so many things that I love.

I love my eyes and my strong calves
I love that I have curves
I love that I'm tall
I love that I love to read
I love that I have a nerdy sense of humor
I love that I am working on learning how to give everyone a true honest chance
I love that I haven't stopped chasing the dreams I've had since I was a little girl
I love that I love being challenged
I love that I won't ever stop pursuing something I want
I love myself.

Excess thoughts

I think I lost someone.
That's the only way to describe the aching that I can't get rid of
like I've left someone behind and forgotten them
and all i have is the residual trace of the impact they had on my life

maybe it's because the most influential people in my life
always
have
to leave
right after they appear

so I'm just waiting for the ones I have currently to disappear
like all the rest have

it's constant and pressing
fear of losing those I love
and fear of loving any more than I already do
because "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"
but it's assumed that love will come your way again
what if it doesn't?
what if you lost someone who was supposed to be woven into the thread of your life and make it more intricate than you could have imagined?

I realize that my identity is heavily based in those I surround myself with
so when they're gone
I'm at a loss for who to be

for someone who hasn't been abandoned that much
I have some pretty nasty abandonment issues.
I don't know where they came from but I want them to get out of my head

I can't remember when I started fearing the unknown
or when I lost track of who I am

I feel like I've been here before
this junction of different versions of myself
and I'm trying to recreate who I want to be
but I'm not sure exactly who that is yet.
I guess I'll just have to take a leap of faith
and hope that I can catch myself.