Invisible

Shakespeare
Can suck it
All of those love sonnets and stories are so sappy
Always make me feel crappy
Cause there’s no Romeo
To my Juliet
Or maybe I’m Michael Buble
And I just haven’t met you yet

But that’s a lie, all my friends know
That there’s… this guy
He’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s handsome, he’s buff
He’s like a drug
And I can’t get enough

He’s the tall dark and handsome
That every girl swoons over
Creamy mocha skin and a smile
That reaches up to his electric blue eyes
That sparkle like there are two miniature stars on either side of his face
So that when he looks at me
I can only blush and look away
He’s like Beethoven, playing symphonies on my heartstrings
A sweet love song that I can’t find the words to sing
About the bruises and skinned knees I got when I fell for him


But whenever he walks by
In my head I’m poetic
But all that comes out is “hi.”
I’m this clumsy ball of nerves
Who laughs too loud at all your jokes
Even the ones that aren’t funny
When you smile at me, my legs turn to honey
And my girls say to just bee yourself
But I wish I was more like her.

The girl you pine over
The short, stick thin asian
With greek letters on her chest
Who always looks half dressed
Because she thinks leggings are pants
But that’s not the point
Of this love triangle

Because she’s taken and I’m not
But when it comes to love
I’m invisible
You see right through me
To gaze at her
Long sleek black hair
That I want to pull
Behind her ear
So she could hear me mention
How lucky she is to get your attention

I don’t understand it
Because that girl you drool over
Is the one I whipped past
On my way to the top
Of every class
Looking over my shoulder yelling SUCKAAAA
But you like her. Not me.

Mother ffffffff
Of mine, tell me I’m awesome and he just doesn’t see it
That he’s too busy watching Twig Legs
To notice who’s sitting next to him

My mom said go out, have fun, you’ll feel better and plenty of guys will ask you to dance!
Well… yeah… but they’re only trying to get in my pants

I’ve yet to find a decent guy
Whose best friend is Ed Hardy
Does the fist pump at every party
Arms look like miniature tanks
Pickup line is hey what’s your sign
Or shawty lemme buy you a drank
But you ain’t T-Pain
So No, thanks.

When all seems lost on my night out
I spot a nerdy wallflower
Who I’m sure would love to grab dinner and watch the Two Towers
So I saunter over with my best sexy hip swing walk
And I
Open my mouth to talk
But he
Cuts me off only to say
Sweetie you’re cute, but I’m gay.

So it’s back to square one
With my one square
Who prefers lines
Over curves.


I know I’m not the Kate
To your Leopold
So I’m resigned
To having lots of cats when I get old

But remember that while you’re chasing the girl of your dreams
My heart is tearing apart at the seams
And you can’t get why
She won’t give you a chance
She or even a second backward glance
When I could stare at you all day

Just know that when her rejection
Pushes you down, flat on the ground
I’d lie in the grass with you
And watch clouds go by
Until the sun was chased away
By the night sky
And we could gaze at all the little lights
That looks like fireflies
Who twinkle their wings
Like the ones that flutter in my stomach
Whenever you walk by

But I’m still an awkward caterpillar
And you prefer the slutterfly

So I’ll stay wrapped in my cocoon
Of shy glances and unspoken thoughts
Because I wish I could be what you want
But I’m just… not.

So I’ll stay hidden in the background
Emotionally camouflaged from you
But of all abilities I wished for as a kid
I never wanted to be
Invisible.

Long Distance

I could have been normal.
I could have blended in, looked just like
everybody else
Let myself mingle with the masses
and never be heard.

But I have this voice in my head
that tells me to write.

I could have gone out,
like another well behaved member of society
to follow the equation
that x amount of money spent
equals Y amount of happiness
lived the American dream, complete with white picket fence,
white husband, white kids, white walls that feel more like bars.

But then you appeared.
you, a filipino with skin the color of bronze honey
a smirk that makes my own face light up when I see it
you,
my greatest inspiration
my strongest muse
pushing me back towards the paper

you make it so that I can't breathe
can't move
can't speak

until I tell the world
how you make me shudder.
with pleasure.

How your voice, saying my name
makes me blush like a little girl
who was caught writing love notes
in the corner of a classroom

and I mean saying my name as in
when you answer the phone
or that pause in conversation
when you repeat it again
to ensure you have my attention

because I haven't been next to you
in quite some time
I never knew the emotions behind long distance
until right now

when my fingers are sore
from typing on my phone
a rather mechanical, calculated motion that they detest
they would rather flow smoothly through your frizzy hair
that's somewhere between behaving and still flat on one side from the pillow
would rather be entwined with your careful hands
be tucked in between your fingers, one by one, like small children
told bedtime stories by each stroke of your thumb along the side of my hand
the rhythm of a lullaby
making me shiver with delight
that sends lightning bolts up my spine
the thunder is a hungry rumble in my chest
a low growl that I wouldn't hear
if I hadn't been listening.
a purr of wanting.

You make me want to want.
want to curl up next to you and pretend like everything in the world can just pause
just wait for another day
until it has to take us away from each other again.
I want to look in your eyes to see a flicker of desire
that is echoed in the heat of your skin
want to seduce you with secrets, with sensations
want to tantalize you with my dancing body
drive you crazy until you give in
to me.

But I can only see you
after skype has told me to take a deep breath
because you're an entire coastline away from me.
so when Owl City says Hello Seattle, I think of you
you tell me how it's always pouring, so
when it rains here, I feel closer to where you are
lost in the pulse of the drops that hit the ground
that seem to match my heartbeat
which is counting down the days
until I can see you again.

but as long as there's the entire length of a mountain range between us
I'll tell my heart to keep keeping time
unless i'm on the stage, i'll pretend to be normal
pretend like nothing is wrong
pretend like I don't miss you more with every day
pretend like I haven't thought about everything I would do to you, do with you
if this wasn't
long distance.

No words.

it's a law:every action
has an opposite and equal reaction
in this world full of friction and traction
and an unlimited amount of distraction.

but there's no equal and opposite to death.
to loss. of you. forever.
this clenched fist grip on my heart
and watering of my eyes
could never be enough
for me to express the hole that has been ripped
right through me.

I would have to run rearrange the stars,
paint the moon red,
or pull the sun a little closer
anything of cosmic proportions
because that is the biggest thing I know.
and that still isn't enough.
a different night sky or a bleeding moon
may reflect my sorrow
but it will never take it away

It grows in my chest and gnaws at me,
reminding me that I'll never wrap my arms around you again
whispering that I loved you enough to let you go
and sneering that I should have held on a little longer

I'm fighting against myself, but I don't have the will to throw a punch.
I'm submissive to the feelings, emotions, sensations that are beyond words and actions
because they are not of this world.

So no, there is no equal and opposite reaction
to watching you draw your last breath.
to the love that I had for you
the love that I have for you.

It is said
There is balance in the chaos
yet nothing rhymes with that word.
it has no complement.

synonyms, yes.
madness
mayhem
destruction
pandemonium
lack of structure.

but there are no words for the chaos in my head.
.

composition number 1

Imma start this off slow,
So you can feel my flow
Try and understand what I already know
If you not feelin it, there’s the door,
If you’d like, you can up and go
Cause I’m not Maya but my love is like whoa

Sorry, too much, lemme spoon feed ya
My half baked ideas all up in hur
Cause I don’t wanna give you indigestion
So lemme start this off with a simple question

Did you think a white girl can’t rap?
You might wanna take a couple steps back
But don’t trip on yourself and fall off track
Check yourself if you think my shit is whack

Cause I’m not one to fit your description
The words I spit don’t belong in the fiction
Section, although I speak with perfect diction
I belong on the stage, not the mother fuckin kitchen
You best not be askin this bad bitch
Cause I know you can make your own damn sandwich

Oops, I should say sorry if I surprised ya
that when I walk in they say recognize her
But there’s something you gotta realize, sir
I’m the new fair lady no my name ain’t eliza

Cause I don’t Doolittle to bust out these rhymes
About something other than big curvy dimes
When you ain’t got a nickel in these hard ass times
You can’t make it rain, bitch I make it shower
By speakin out against me you’ve given me the power
To use my own voice to make your face turn sour
Cause I can keep this goin for a couple more hours

And honestly ya’ll are makin me tired
Listenin to rappers I know I admired
But you past your prime, you shoulda been retired
You sleepin on the job when I’m still wired

Hyped up on electricity
You shouldn’ta judged me on my ethnicity
I ain’t in the cult of domesticity
you stuntin for my publicity
I tried to warn ya of my toxicity
My words are poison in all simplicity

Creepin in your system, strangling your throat
Crossin out the words you already wrote
Just give up now, don’t forget your coat
This is for the haters, ya’ll better take note
That it’s just so easy for me to get your goat
But I’m not one to sit back and gloat
You on your high horse, I’m on a mother fuckin boat.

T pain’s dreads ain't got nothing on me
I’m the newest thing to hit the OC
Bustin out moves and feelin like YEE
The tall white girl that’s ya new emcee
Of tonight’s event, now let me see
You gotta help me out, where were we?
yeah, you were actin a fool, like a big pussy
Cause you couldn’t sit back just let me be
How about you do you and I’ll do me
or keep trippin like ya drop lsd
I make ya sick like ddt
I ain't just ill, bitch I'm a disease
can't be touched by the cdc
I'm classy as fuck like the bbc
while you still doin you're ABC's
I already got my Ph D

I'm the new professor of this swagger class
my mind sharp like the edge of cut glass
at this point in the game you can't even pass
cause Imma be first, you'll come in last

it was your mistake to underestimate a girl
did the earth just shake or did I rock your world?

Luck, fate, and all that other bullshit

I'm scared.
We've been over that part already.
I'm scared of the unknown
of the unsure
of the blurry future
I like knowing where my life is going.
knowing exactly what I feel
and knowing where things will go
and yet now
those are all up in the air
like juggling pins
and I don't know which one I'm going to catch first.

But I do know
that when I see you, I light up like the front of houses on christmas; like the sky on 4th of july
when you say my name, I feel butterflies that tickle their wings against my skin, making you feel closer to me
every time you tell me you miss me, my heartbeat pauses for a minute like it's forgotten the tempo it's supposed to be at.
when I think about being in your arms, I feel safe and upset at the same time

because I also know
that you're so far away from me
which only makes me miss you more.

And I'm stuck here with only my fingers that stroke the letters from the keyboard, coaxing the thoughts from my mind
in some hope that this will make the longing less hard to bear
the thought that it will be another month before I see you.
that you don't know me that well- but I want you to.
I want you to know all of me.
strip me down, lay myself out bare in front of you
and trust you.

All I know how to say
is I miss you. so much.
We're going off of a hunch
some romantic notion
that this could work
that this could be worth it

you're only one plane flight away from me
and right now, I would get in my car and drive up to see you if it meant falling asleep in your arms.

Instead, i'm here by the phone
waiting for you to call me back
so that your voice can ease my mind
and i know that I'll jump when I see your name on the caller ID
just like I do, every time.

and so I end with this:
I'm willing to give us a chance.
I promise to try my best to not hold anything back.
and I miss you. still.

Here.

Here we are.
we found each other
and I don't know about you
but my stomach starts doing flips when I see your face
Like I'm a gymnast
doing backhandspring-double twist-somersault- non fat mocha latte type spins
making me dizzy and inverting my view of the world
until I fall
for you.

the one variable in my life
because I love to categorize
and you
just don't fit
in the neat boxes that I've lined up in my head
I can't sit you on the shelf
next to my childhood memories
or tuck you away in the box with my general lack of faith in the male population.
I don't know where you go.

and honestly, I'm scared.
Like I was as a little girl.
When I thought there was an alligator under my bed
I knew that it wasn't possible, or even probable
but that didn't mean that I'd dangle my hand over the edge to tempt him
because I didn't want to get hurt.
If I got dragged into the unknown in my sleep
I wasn't sure if I'd make it back the next morning.

but for you?
I'd wrestle every scaly beast that lurks in florida swamps
like a female Steve Irwin
tie their sharp snouts shut
if it meant I could get to you.

You, the best muse that anyone could have.
I never thought that I'd have a "you"
and honestly, this is probably as close to a love poem as I'll ever get.

You see, they say that love is blind
but I can still see.
They say love is a weapon
but I never learned how to fight.
Love is patient, love is kind
but I was never schooled in all the virtues.

I.... have never been in love.

But I figured that when I was ready, it would happen
prince charming would appear
and I would be the one riding the horse
because I've never been much of a damsel in distress

but I just wish you could see past the front that I put up so hard
that i'm fine being one of the single ladies
all you women, who independent
throw your hands up at me
just another line in a beyonce song

when really
I want to be the everything to your brad paisley
Fly you to the moon like frank sinatra
so that I can finally sing at last like etta james.

But right now
my heart is thumping out a beat
to a song that I don't know the words to.
and besides
we both know
that you're the better singer anyway
So write down the lyrics that are stuck in my head
and I'll move to the emotion in your voice

because you found me.
and here we are.

"Biggest part of me" by Ambrosia

I'm scared to sing in front of you.
Mostly because when I open my mouth to let out a melody
it sounds like a small animal is dying.

but without even saying anything
I relax and start singing along
to the music that I sent to you

and the song you gave to me
is stuck in my head
I'm playing it on repeat
over and over and over

Hoping, in vain, that it will bring me closer to you.
that somehow, it will ease this tugging in my chest
of a constant desire to be near you.
Just to have your arm around me
to hear your voice in my ear
to curl up next to you
would be enough.

I'm not asking for long, just for now.
Because I know that I get scared easily
but when it comes to you
I'm not scared.
and when I am
it eases in a matter of minutes.

You're the one that I want.

One

There was a serendipitous moment
of all the chairs in the room, I chose mine
of all the seats in the room, you chose yours.
of all the places in each others lives, we chose ours.

It only took one look.
one introduction.
one conversation for my face to light up
and want to know more.

it took one decision
for one night
to change everything.

One moment
for you to say what I never expected
for you to become what I didn't know you could be
into the one
that I want the most.

One afternoon
spent listening to one of the most inspirational women
pull at my heartstrings with her every word
spent sitting next to you.
a fluke circumstance to set this entire thing in motion

and it took me one moment to trust you entirely.
but I only had one day with you
that left me wanting more.

so now I'll wait to find out
if you're
the one.

Just the truth

I don't like it when you walk away.
I get ancy
I pace back and forth
like i've lost something.

I've always understood that time is irrelevant
but with you, that thought is bittersweet.
because whenever you leave, you leave too early
and yet the basis for knowing each other is based on such short time.

I've looked out at the world before
and I didn't like what I saw
but when I was curled up next to you
the view changed.
Gone were the negative thoughts
the distrust of humanity
and i just saw things how they were
not how I wanted them to be.

that being said
I know what I want.
I want to be with you
to slide in bed
and share body heat and stories
until the sun rises
and then let sleep caress me away
while i'm safe in your arms.

But just for the sake of contradiction
I don't know what I want.
I'm very independent
and I don't even like to rely on others
I have goals, motivation, drive, whatever you want to call it
and I'm not willing to let anything get in the way of that

but
If I don't take the risk
I know beyond a doubt that I'll regret it
and this level of trust should scare me
but it doesn't.

I used to be able to look to the future
and see what would be or what could be.
but now it's all fuzzy and blurred
up in the air for grabs
as I suppose it's always been
and I was only seeing what I wanted to have in my future
but I guess this means that now
Now, I don't know what I will want.

But right now, I know that I want to be with you.
and I don't like it when you leave.

Speechless

I am a poet.
Or I like to think I am.
I can pull words together
like a jewelers
and string them along, like diamonds
to be cast in the sky
as a new constellation
that lovers across the world will see
and say
look!
the heavens themselves have recognized our love!

I am a chef of letters
with frying pans and baking sheets and pots of random concoctions
all thrown together with a little heat
some spicy,
meant to induce a little pain along with the pleasure
of swallowing my ideas.
others smooth
soft swishing sounds that say it's all the same
the you swirl around for a bit
to fully satisfy your sweet tooth.

I'll shape the way you make me feel
out of verbal clay
thrown down, again and again
squishy, unformed and useless
but with practiced hands
patience, and an imagination that always keeps me entertained
I'll keep
spinning it and molding it
until you've been compared
to Romeo, Lancelot, Mr. Darcy
the Prince albert to my Queen Victoria.

but no, I am this generation's spoken Pablo Picasso.
Actually- more like Van Gogh
swirling colors of sounds on my personal palette
just to throw them across a canvas of eardrums
so that the reverberations
and the pounding of my own nervous heart
are combined
with a symphony of crickets
and that noise with no name
of the wind going shhhh over the grass
the moon's laughter
and the city's tired sigh
into my own starry night

and then next day
in the sun's light
I am a gardener extraordinare
growing rhymes and ideas
in the warm sunshine
supporting them with a nurturing hand
and tediously combing through their ranks
for unwanted weeds
that have the tendency
to make my flowers choke

I am a poet.
but whenever I see you
all I can say
as my brain going a thousand miles a minute
is
"hey."

In my eyes

Do you know my favorite thing
To do upon waking?
While my eyes are still sleepy
And dawn is breaking?

When I’m still safe in my nest
Of blankets, so warm
Is to let my vision alight
Upon your vulnerable form

Sleeping quietly, in my bed
I softly shift next to
The slow rhythmic breathing
And scent that is you

My favorite thing to do
When I wake
Is see your eyes see me
It’s not just my breath
But my words you take.

To see you see me
With our heads on the same pillow
Ignoring the noise
And bustle below

Yet

I can’t tell
Or maybe can’t find
The thoughts behind the blue eyes
You won’t speak your mind

I reminisce on the night
That came before this morning
Filled with passion, desire
And also- a warning.

From those gentle hands
That held my cheek
And the soft kisses
That I know it’s cliché
Made me weak.



I’m usually so firm
So steadfast, so strong
Yet in all the joy of us
Something is wrong.

You asked me, quietly
As though saying it loud
Might scare me away
Or push me off my cloud

And I?
I couldn’t respond
Save for a blank stare
That I prefer to save
For when I don’t care

But the sounds of the words
I wished I could say
Got caught in my throat
And there I lay

Exposed in your arms
Unsure of what to do
When you hesitatingly asked me
To make love to you

Now, my unexpected innocence
May show through
But how can I comply
When you won’t speak
“I love you”?

The deal is this:
I give my first time away
You enjoy the benefits
And that’s supposed to be okay?

Making love should involve
Actually being in love
With the person that
You’ve barely dared to dream of

Actions without emotions
Is like not feeling hunger, but eating
So please excuse the drumroll
That’s just my heart beating

As I decide
That I’m not your dessert.
So I bite my lip
And fuss with my shirt

My voice might tremble
Because I can’t be nonchalant
When I tell you
I can’t give myself to you
The way you want

I used to wait for
You to see me
But now I don’t look
At the days that used to be

Now, my favorite thing to do
When I arise from sleeping
While everything is still cozy
In my bed’s safekeeping

Is realize how
I’ve become wise
and over time
Learning to prize
The beautiful gift
Between my thighs
And I see myself
Through my own eyes.

Flying

I can't believe it
you're mine.
you've enveloped me in the protective circle of your arms
and I just lay here
as we exchange body heat and sweet nothings
little butterflies that leave your lips
land on my ear and flutter their way down
somewhere below the source
of the rhythm
that joins yours in a drumline
and they tickle their wings against my skin
making my cheeks turn pink
like the sky just before the sun peeks over the edge of the world.
the sun...
the sunrise?
hitting my eyes
and it was
just a dream.

I'm home. in my bed.
I'm wrapped in a cocoon of blankets
but my head is still wrapped up in you
my body warmth reciprocated only by
the soft feathers around me.
So I drag myself from my nest
and try to forget
the way my mind told me
that your hands feel

And I wander
through the rest of my day
with nothing nearly as exciting
as the moments that my subconscious provided
cars, bicycles, buses
crowds of people
books
teachers that drone on and on
and on.
but then
with my favorite bag in tow
leather strap cutting into my shoulder
I see you
underneath the eucalyptus trees.
the trees that remind me of younger days
of my grandmother's.
and the leaves crush under my feet,
with that usual punch you in the olfactory bulb scent
that is so faint
that it actually just kind of
tickles.
the way that the butterfly wings
are starting to do again
when you look at me that way.

when you look at me that way
I feel like you're pulling me out of my cocoon
where I've been hiding away from the world
unfurling my wings
and telling me that I can fly.
Me? fly?
I can barely put one foot in front of the other without falling down.
but I trust you, when you look at me that way.
So I tilt my head to the sky
and imitate the birds
I push away from the earth, from the world
and my whole heart starts to soar
skipping beats and skimming over clouds
when you look at me that way
I feel like I'm flying
among the stars
that taste minty fresh
and tingle across my feet
like tiny kisses from icicles.

When you look at me that way
you say what your words can never tell me
the eyes are the window to the soul
but yours are doors
to a different dimension
to a separate world
an alternate reality
where I can fly with you.

Your look shows me
promises unspoken.
and you reach for my hand
for MY hand.
and we walk slowly
with our fingers intwined
like the teeth of a zipper
I pinch myself, just to be sure-
but no, this time
I'm flying for real.

What are we doing?

It escalated so quickly
we both said it
we both know it

but we let it happen
again and again
lost in the moment
lost in... you.

All anyone asks
is what does this mean?
I have no idea.
your thoughts?

Ah, your thoughts.
I wish I knew them.
but you won't speak your mind.
which is a shame

because you can weave words
to make the most beautiful tapestry
a lullaby without music
I love the way you speak.

But you're confused, now
I guess that was my doing
and you either can't string your thoughts together
or won't let me see them.

My thoughts?
I like this.
I like your body
every soft curve
the way your chest dips in under the base of your arm
the way you wrapped your hands around me, tangled in my hair
how it felt to have you rest your head on my chest and fall asleep
so vulnerable and trusting
in the moment
how you pressed against me
and how I never wanted you to stop
how every way I turned, I found you
I was surrounded
but
the night can't last forever
and you couldn't stay in my bed.

So I'm hoping that you won't be weird about it
to put it bluntly
because to be honest
I like this.

Discovering

For two years,
you've been by my side
you've shared in joy with me
and held me close and when I cried.

We've laughed at the world
and shared so many smiles
played in the pouring rain
and sat in the sun for a while.

We've explored the great outdoors
wandering through the wild together
after two long years, I know beyond a doubt
you'll be there, no matter the weather.

We started without definition
just a girl and a boy
that shared stories, kisses
and unspeakable joy

Yet the doubts that arose
and the uncertainty
and, yes, the blame
belonged to me

I saw you for who you were
and I knew the girl I was
didn't quite match
so I put us on pause

But now, two years later
seven hundred and thirty days
we've grown into a friendship
actually, let me rephrase

we've created a relationship
that you once told me felt
like your heart lifting up
which, honestly, made me melt.

Of all the words I could spin together
there are three you know to be true
simple in form, complex in meaning:
I love you.

as my best friend
who always knows what to say
or knows what will push my buttons
and says it anyway.

But recently
my mind has been invaded
by some unknown idea
my notion of you has faded.

my notion of you
as the boy who will be there for me
but never with me.
as the boy who would be my best man
but never the groom.

into something else.
into the man that I want to curl up next to.
the one I run to when I'm upset and have nowhere else to turn.

You do think I'm pretty
without any makeup on.
in my eyes I'm the ugly duckling
in yours, I'm the swan.

I know you better
that I've known anyone before
except that now I don't know
what to do with myself any more.

Do I hold my tongue
that want to express
the new confusing feelings
I can't repress?

because believe me,
I've tried
it's getting to the point
where I can't even hide

how much I love being near you
and having your arms encircle me
a warm, safe haven
an unspoken guarantee

that you'll always be there
to listen and to care
when I need you most;
when I lay myself bare.

So I ask myself
if I'm brave enough
to take the risk
do I prepare myself?
or start talking off the cuff?

Time will only tell
to translate my heart
and find the words to wonder
if you'll make a start
on wanting to never
be apart.

I can't act cool, collected
or nonchalant
when I bring this up
because all I know
is that you
are all I want.

fuck you.

Looking out at the empty cityscape
waiting for the fog to roll in
and surround me with a million pieces of mist
that caress my face
and make it feel like i'm crying
on the tops of buildings
warning to flying beings blink slowly;
tiny red dots scatter across the horizon
like drips of blood from a single prick
from the needle of a spinning wheel
to the tip of a finger
I'm the modern sleeping, sleep walking, sleep talking
sleeping beauty
with her life force being drained
from something as small
as the tip of a finger.
my middle finger.
held up
saying fuck the world.

because that is what you,
my spinning wheel of doom,
make me feel.

I was mistaken to guess you were prince charming
to ride in an save the day
you're the evil villain
that transforms to a dragon
who i'm supposed to slay?

who writes this stuff???
and don't you have better things to do with your time
than mess with my mind till I start to rhyme

about the flames you spewed
across my emotional stability
leaving blackened ruins
that threaten to crumble
at the sight of your face.

but I escape to the one stronghold left
that you can't burn down
and I sit safe in the concrete walls of my mind
that knew from the beginning
you were a terrible idea
The windows are broken, and the draft sucks the warmth from my bones
as I ride out the storm that now wracks my entire body

this is the time when the prince rides in
on his magnificent white horse
to save the damsel in distress
but I'm probably a better rider
and I don't like depending on others
or showing weakness.
but as the script goes
she looks up with a tear stained face
and says you've saved me. thank you.

the reality goes a little like this
she looks at you with the same tear stained face
and says you've broken me. fuck you.

those two little words that end it all.
spitting out of my mouth like venom
that i wish i could poison you with
just so you would know
the pain i felt
from that one prick in the finger.

you might have well stabbed me in the side.
not in the back
you're not the betraying kind
no, you stand beside me
until I'm of no use
then you wipe your trail clean
and leave me, bleeding on the floor

exposed and broken.
so yes, fuck you.
fuck you very much.

Still holding on

After everything that happened that night
you couldn't just leave me alone
you had to haunt my subconcious just one more time
well I have a message for you
fuck. off.

please stop tormenting me
I don't want to be able to see your face
and not touch you
to talk to you but not call you mine
and wake up alone.
always alone.

I'm not sure if I'll ever even see you again
so leave me alone.
stop appearing in my head
in my dreams
just when I think I'm okay
and I have a million other things to deal with.

I can't look at you and not feel sadness
even if the face I'm seeing
is only when I'm asleep.
Let me go.

Hanging by a moment

With you, it's always been just a moment.
just another time
that you wouldn't do anything
and then you try to tell me
to live in the moment.
to roll with it
and forget about it the next day

but since when have you been the one
to call all the shots?
you've been the one
to fuck this up from the beginning
so tell me
where does this leave me?

it literally leaves me alone on the dance floor
wondering where you've gone
and why you're such a coward.

I, dancer.

I, Dancer.
One who moves with the beat of the music
no, to the rhythm
my own rhythm
my internal rhythm
here.
in my chest
my personal metronome

the soft pound, background sound
to the motions
coming and going like the ocean
swirled with my emotions

watch me, the dancer
as I move my feet
as I shimmy, slide
and ride that beat
the thump thump thump
that makes you go "mmmm"
because there are no words
left for you to speak

So let me translate
that knot in your chest
and let me do
what I do best
tell your story
from my point of view.
I, dancer.
I'll tell you a story
of the music
of happiness
of the joy
felt when I can't help but move
as though holding still
would be the most ultimate form of blasphemy against the world

If you listen carefully
with your eyes
I'll tell you my secrets
my innermost desires
as I glide past you
or is there a language barrier here?
did you get tongue tied with your two left feet?
so don't step at all
just chill on the wall
and sway with the beat
follow what you feel
loosen up
and, as they say
dance like no one's watching

But that's not true.
everyone's watching.
all eyes are on you. on me.
I, dancer.
but the only thing I see
is darkness
because I've closed my eyes
and let myself flow
soft like the wind
that rustles the leaves
during the fall-
my favorite time of year
I mimic the brittle leaves
as they float and spin to the floor
where the earth is now carpeted
in orange and red and yellow
and i dance across the leaves
just to hear them crunch under my feet

but I bring myself back to the moment
where everyone is waiting
for me to extend an arm
or shake a hip
so i indulge them
with my way of dance
meant to intrigue, entice, and entrance

and I see your gaze
following me
while I tell my story
do you hear me?
not the story from my lips
but the one told with feet, hands, and hips
maybe my message is lost on you
because
I can't teach you how to understand
what I'm saying
when I say it with no words at all
I, Dancer.

All over again

I thought I was done
I thought we were over
I said that everything we had been or could be
was about to end.

But there you go
proving me wrong again
and it's the best kind of bittersweet
I've ever tasted.

I've missed you.
I've missed you so much.

I didn't see this coming
I still don't fully understand you
so you always keep me guessing
as I fall for you
all over again.

just a weak moment

"I remember when you came back
and all you wanted to do was travel"
I remember it, too.
I had that sparkle in my eye
and a tie knotted around my heart
that was a rope stretched taut
across the entire pacific ocean
to you.

I want to see you again
and tell you that you're all I ever wanted
I want to drop everything and travel the world
see the sights
and just be
fall in love with you
and you fall for me
as we're surrounded by the world
we already love so much

two naturalists, young fools
following their hearts

but this is just a weak moment
and I won't tell you
how much I wish
I never had to leave
my own piece of the jungle
my own paradise
because it's where I discovered
you.

Simple moments of joy

I always say I can't wait
For whatever event
or moment
to happen
or pass
for the best thing yet
to occur

but truth be told?
I can.

I like the excitement
the build up
the pretense of it all

because the truth is
the moments when I'm happiest
are the ones
that I forget to look forward to.

The days I spent with my mother
talking about everything
and nothing at all.

The evenings I curl up next to my father
like I'm still tiny
and I can fit on the same couch cushion.

The nights that I spend out with my sister
where we laugh and talk
until we're too tired to entertain anymore.

The mornings that I spend with myself.
Simple, quiet beginnings of days
that let me stay centered.

So that being said
I can wait.

Back Again

Oh hey, it's me.
Remember me?
I'm that girl.
The one that you saw walk past you
in the dress with roses on it
blonde hair and a book in her hand
looking around like she thought everything was fascinating
with a glimmer in her eye
like she was in on the biggest joke of the world
and couldn't wait to share it with you.

Still yours

In case you didn't know
the realization hasn't hit you
you haven't taken the time to think about it
Or feelings and words escape you entirely
I'm just letting you know
that I'm still yours.

If I could choose,
I wouldn't be
But I am.

I know you're not mine
but that doesn't help the fact
that you've left me stranded
lacking a lover and a friend.

The ending is another beginning.

How do you recover after finding your soulmate and then leaving them after being with them for a day?
Or someone you thought was your soulmate?
How are you supposed to know, anyway?

Saying that I'm confused would be the understatement of the year.
I was so close to giving you everything that I already started giving it to you without knowing it.
I'm too scared to go near that again. I got burned so badly in the end....
You hurt me so much that I just put the pain out of my mind.
I never dealt with this properly because I didn't want to.

Here it goes, about a month too late:
I saw myself falling in love with you. hopelessly in love with you.
I was so willing to make it work that it drove me crazy.
It was all I thought about, talked about, dreamt about whenever I had a spare moment.
I was so wrapped up in you.
and you just moved on without telling me. without saying anything.
You say that you still like me and want to be friends, which is all that was possible in the first place... I was blinded by my feelings.

Now walking into the semblance of a rainforest reminds me of you and of us.
We were an "us".
You were mine, for however short a time.
and I wasn't ready to let you go.
But now, I am.

I know that there's something and someone better out there for me.
So why do I still cry when I think of how things were?

Maybe because I promised myself all these amazing dreams and futures that involved you
and you agreed to them by not doing anything
You didn't encourage them or shoot them down
until you realized that it wasn't going to work.
You're a coward.
I don't want to fall in love with a coward who doesn't know what he has until he's lost it
or doesn't care enough to hold on to it in the first place.

So here's to me
moving on past you
away from everything you put me through
to remembering that wanting what I can't have
leads to having what I don't want
and neither of those situations end happily.

I'm done.

That should be me.

Who would have known that after all this went on, you would still be stuck in the back of my mind?
Waiting for me to let my guard down, to think that I was alright
Then you would remind me.

All the time we spent talking.
The plans we made.
How much you made me laugh.
You made me so happy. You still do.

The fact that I thought you were my soulmate.
I don't think that's going to change any time soon.

But I'm stuck here, an ocean and half a country away from you.
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.
It makes it wander.
Makes it wonder.
Is this what I want?

You said that you still enjoy my company. You still like me.
You want to stay friends.

"That should be me, holding your hand, making you laugh, that should be me, this is so sad.
That should be me, feeling your kiss."

But it's not.
Maybe you'll chase after her only to find that she's not what you want.
And I'll wake up next to someone else feeling like something is missing.

or maybe we'll both move on like this never happened.

Everything comes to an end.

It's over.
You finally told me everything.
and you know what? I'm okay.

I had already let you go by the time you explained yourself to me.
Our three month long distance fling got intense and then... it was over.
Just like that.

Which is probably for the best.
I'm just happy that I got a great friend out of it all.

And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again someday.

recovery

Everything I held on to for the last however long.
You turned my world on its head.
And then you left it like that
But i'm not used to seeing things upside down.
I'm not used to looking at the world without thinking about you.

You haunted my daily routines, my poetry, and my dreams.
But no more.

You betrayed me, lied to me, and fucked it all over so badly.

I'm so hurt right now.
I forgot how to heal.
I forgot what it was like to feel pain this bad.

You're not who I thought you were.

God, you are such an ass.
So much more of one than I thought you would be.

I thought you would have the decency to wait a few minutes so you could talk to me face to face rather than being such a coward about it.
Way to leave me hanging.
Way to be the guy that I was so sure you weren't.

I can't believe this. I can't believe you would do this.

You're seeing someone else.
That's fine. It's within your right to do that.

But to not say anything, to let it die slowly while I'm wondering what I've done to drive you away? I thought you were better than that. I thought I knew that you were better than that.

I should be proud, really. That you can play up the act so well that I fell for it hook, line and sinker? Props to you, buddy.

Texas

Can we pretend that airplanes in the sky are like shooting stars
Because I could really use a wish right now.


Words that I mold and bend can't say it better
than wanting the power to change anything
Anything.
Where I am right now, so far from home.
So far from anyone I know.
So far from anything familiar.
I don't even have a guide to help me.
It's alright; I know I'll figure it out soon

I'm just lonely.
Which is stupid; I should be out there exploring and discovering and adventuring.
But i'm still inside, looking out the window and wishing
wishing I was home, in my comfort zone

I guess I'll learn more about myself when I'm outside my comfort zone.
No more excuses. No more whining. No more "I'm homesick."
I've only been here one day.
I'm gonna make the best of this.

circles

I feel like i'm going crazy.
I know I'm not
but what other way can I describe the feeling
that all these words in my head
can't seem to find a way out
and when they do
whoever reads or hears them
looks at me
like i'm going crazy?

My mind is out to get me.

There are moments- like this one- where the world gets quiet and I'm left with my thoughts.
But I don't like it much.
I'd rather have people around or play music or be sleeping or something... because my mind is out to get me.
Not in the "I'm crazy and have multiple personalities way".
In the "I think too much for my own good" way.

I shouldn't run from my own mental processes as much as I do
But I can't help it.
They lead me into dark places where I forget the answers and reasons that I had before.
They remind me of you and how much I loved being alone when I still thought you were mine.
Because when I was surrounded by quiet, I could remember you perfectly.

I still can.
it's just that now... I don't want to.

You'll think of me. Will you?

I'm angry. I'm so angry at you.
How can you do this to me? Drop me like i'm nothing? you lost interest. that's cool.
At least have the decency to tell me so that I can get on with my life.
Who do you think you are anyway?
You still occupy all my thoughts.
All the sad slow love songs.
I thought you were my soulmate.
Do you understand that? I thought you were my goddamn soulmate.
I was so stupid. So naive.
Thinking that I knew you after only two months.
Thinking that you felt for me what I felt for you.
Obviously, you don't.
You wouldn't be doing this if you felt this way for me.
I'm still holding on, waiting for you to tell me WHY.
I hate it. I hate this.

And right now, I hate you.

First Time

I turn my ears inside out
and let my thoughts run the other way
they spill and splash on the floor
creating puddles prettier than tears.

Everything that I thought we could be
everything that we were
is now swirling somewhere
besides in my mind.

I let it out; I let you go
now you can return the favor
and tell me why you grew so distant
in the first place.

Bracelets

Bracelets mean a lot to me.
Earrings and necklaces and rings all come and go; they're easy gifts to buy for any girl.
but the only bracelets I wear are ones that have been given to me by those close to me.
One from my mother.
One from my sister.
One from myself.
Two from very close friends (who are almost sisters anyway)

I make bracelets.
For people close to me.
My sister-friends.
for my sister.
for my mother.

I was going to make one for you.
I would pick out the colors that I thought would fit you and weave them together with swift fingers.
You could wear it, always. It wouldn't tear or break. You could tie it on your wrist; a symbol of my affections for you.

but now? I don't know if I could choose the right colors.
I can't decide if I want to make you one and hold on to it, "just in case".
Or if I want to make you one and hide it away.

I can't even figure out if you'd want it.

Dreams and Nightmares

Just when I clear my head
and I think I'm alright
you appear in my dreams
yet another night

You don't say much,
or anything at all
but it's more than enough
to make me fall

for you and your eyes
all over again
I wish you would tell me
why you've been

so distant and confusing
like you don't want me anymore?
And even though I don't want to be
you're the one i'm waiting for.

So if you won't come around
please release me
from haunting dreams of you
and what could be.

Realize

Finding my heart again
was easier to do
once i realized
it didn't belong to you.

Flowing

I returned home
only to find
that nothing had changed
in my mind.

you still pull at my thoughts
filling my daydreams
with things you'll never say
more useless fantasies

I stopped dreaming of you
once I've fallen asleep
which i find confusing;
I already fell so deep

into something with you;
we never had definition
so now you've disappeared
and left me here, wishing

that I could make you understand
just how much you mean to me
and everything you were, are
and hopefully could be.

Once the dam breaks, words just start flowing

I miss you.
Isn't that enough?
Why can't i just say this to you?
I'm scared.
I'm terrified that you don't feel the same way or that you'll reject me or that you're going to break my heart.
I can't even tell what I'm feeling anymore; if this is real or i'm just tired and stressed out.
But I still miss you.
Every day, I miss you more.
You don't say it back.
I notice.
You may think I don't, but I do.
I say it all.
but I think you're hesitating to tell me because it's not the truth.

I was stupid and foolish and put my heart into something that wouldn't work.
I was young and careless, like I said I wanted to be.
and now I can't even get myself together.
How can you do this to me
by doing nothing at all?

I hate feeling like this.
I want to be mad at you, but it doesn't make sense.
I'm so mixed up. I just want answers. Or reasons.
I just want you.
Is that too much to ask for?

Unwritten letter to you

I hate the way you make me feel
like I've done something wrong
and you haven't even done anything
Why do you make me so crazy and obsessive?
Throw me a bone, here.
Tell me I'm not losing it.
I'm not losing you.

I'm just lost.
Did I do something? Say something?
or are you just stressed and need space?
Did you find someone else or realize that I'm not the one?
Say it, straight up.
If you're going to break my heart, do it soon.
You have the power to do that, you know.

You got my hopes up.
I thought I'd found my soulmate.
I thought I was going to fall in love with you.
and now I'm paranoid that I'm not the one you want.
Please help me retain my sanity.

Starlight

Losing you is difficult
I was never sure if I could call you mine
so I'll hide my confusion in my head
and in these lines

Do you know that I'm yours?
Or maybe you're afraid to ask.
I'm not that intimidating, am I?
it shouldn't be such a difficult task.

How can you change so much
in so few days?
Do you know how much i miss you?
Let me list the ways.

I miss the way you danced with me
like there was no one else around
I miss the way you we lied on the dock
immersed in thoughts and sounds
I miss the way your eyes looked
when they were locked with my own
I miss the way you made me feel;
I finally wasn't alone.
I miss how you made me laugh
when I thought i was upset
I miss the connection I felt
the moment we first met.
I miss how I was able to deal
so much better before i knew you
Now i'm stuck wondering what, if anything
there's left for me to do.

Aside from cling to my pillow
and let tears slide down my face
like I haven't been here before
like I don't know this place.

Aside from gaze at the stars
and silently wonder
if you look at them
if they pull your logic under

Every time I see the night sky
untouched by the sun's harsh rays
you feel so much closer
but I feel farther away.

So i'm stuck, unmoving
waiting to say goodbye, unless
you decide your answer
is actually yes.

Losing what I never had

The words I say to you
don't ever come out right
So I hide behind cliches
like xoxo, goodnight.

My thoughts don't translate well
to communicate to you
but you don't communicate at all
regardless of what I do

You run away from me
for reasons I don't understand
it feels like you've fallen
but you're refusing my helping hand

Like a game of hide and seek gone wrong
You stopped looking for me
But I'm hidden right in front of your eyes
and still you don't see.

You've stopped enjoying me
I don't know last time I made you smile
So I try to amuse you like i know how
but you've changed somehow; this could take a while.

It's like getting lost on a straight road
you turned into a wall
It's like learning to trust someone
but forgetting to fall.

I wish I could touch the ocean
because it connects me to you
but now, it just makes my feet wet
and I think soon my cheeks will be too.

Listen with your heart

All around, there are forces.
Earth, wind, water, and fire.
Whispering to me.
tugging at me.
Nudging me
Guiding me
Supporting me.


Helping me learn to be happy by being.
Not wanting to be happy. or wanting to be anywhere.
Just being. Simple and pure.
Difficult, but simple.

And as always, my thoughts turn to you.
How I want to be with you.
But I can't.
So I want to talk to you. speak to you. Communicate my feelings to you.
and I'll roll with it
like the waves.
They don't crash and pull at the shore; they powerfully roll across the sand.
Lessen my sense of longing. Let me be content.
As I learn to desire nothing more than what I have.

Jaded

You're never far away from the edge of my thoughts.
I can't wait to see you again, but I have to.
I hope that I will see you again. be with you again.
It drives me crazy
Makes me flustered
I talk myself in circles
only to sleep, exhausted
and dream of finding myself in your arms.


You've made me Jaded.

Tarzan and Jane

Tarzan = jungle man who doesn't wear shoes or a shirt. Loves nature.
Jane = girl raised in the city who loves nature as much as Tarzan.

Jane meets tarzan, can't believe he exists.
They learn from each other and about the world that the other comes from.
Jane has to leave and go back to the city.
They're both upset.
She realizes that she should stay with Tarzan in the jungle.
She jumps off the boat and swims back to him.

The only difference between their story and ours is that I can't jump off a plane... otherwise I would have.
I went back to the city.
I want to be the Jane to your Tarzan.
We can live in the jungle together; I'll gladly leave the city life behind.
I'll jump into the water to get to you; I'll never look back.

Just say that you'll miss me.
Give me some indication.
And we can make a modern version of tarzan and jane.

Lonely Girl part 2

Everyone has somebody.
All my close girl friends are with their boys.
and me? I'm here. on my laptop.
With my words and my blankets and my music.
and my heart... which is happy, but my arms are lonely.

Am I going to be okay with this?
To know that I'm attached to you, but not be with you? for long amounts of time?
I hate being separated from you.
I love talking to you, but sometimes I want to just BE with you without the need to speak.
Just be with you. In your presence. Feeling you. Near me. Next to me.

I just want to cuddle.

You have him.

You can see him whenever you want.
and he's not even your everything.
You're in love, yeah...
but you know it's gonna end.
And the worst part is?
I'm jealous.

Written in a dream

I dreamt
that I read a poem
about the waves

But now that I've awoke
I can't seem to remember
how the words fit so smoothly
together.

I recall not speaking loudly enough
for all to hear my voice
and that tears came quietly at the end
although I tried to restrain myself.

Oh, if only I could have fallen asleep
with a pen in my hand
then I could give you a poem
about the waves
that I wrote in my dreams.

Fearless

That song never really meant anything to me before.
"fearless".
But then I realized that's how you make me feel.
I would do anything for you. You know that, right? (I don't think you do... yet)
I've considered being able to give you my virginity. I've thought about it a lot. And I feel like it would be right.
and I thought about the actual moment that it would happen.

Then, I remembered what I told myself.
I would give my virginity to someone I was in love with.
and it hit me.
I could see myself losing it to you, which in a roundabout way, I could see myself falling in love with you. Completely, committed, head over heels in love with you.

This should be terrifying.
but I'm not scared.
you make me fearless.
I want to take the jump, take the risk, I know it'll be worth it
"It's a long shot, but why not?"

There is no way that it was coincidence that I met you. You live on the other side of the world.
Of all the people in all of the places, I found you. or you found me.
I don't care that you're there or I'm here because I'm connected to you in a way that I don't fully understand yet
If it can work, I'll find a way. You'll find a way.
we'll find a way together.

Mutants of society

Reproductive Biology lesson one-oh-one. Sperm plus egg plus nineteen years on this earth equals… me. I’m wearing the genes that my parents passed down to me- all the recessive ones. The blonde haired blue eyed daughter of two people with dark features- an easy target for an older sister who liked to convince me I was adopted. Repeatedly.
But I can only work with the genetic material I was given. Just like oak trees will produce more oak trees; and roses will give way to roses.
We do all we know how to do- pass on the information to make more of us.
It’s like a science nursery rhyme:
50% of you, 50% of me, put it together to make something pretty.
Our parents remain our parents, our genetic homeland- even if we don’t want them to be. We’re a sum of their parts.
Unless… unless a mutation occurs.
Spontaneous, unintentional, randomly induced mutation.
Leading to mutants. Changelings. Others.
In nature, being unique usually means you die early.
But sometimes- those rare, exceptional, world changing times- mutation leads to success.
A new variation that leads to an advantage over everyone else.
A certain uniqueness that means you survive longer- or make more babies.
Evolution. Natural selection. Biology 101.
Mutants. Children that are fundamentally different from their parents.
But…
Aren’t we the children of society?
What mindsets are we willingly inheriting?
Unlike our actual DNA makeup, we have a choice in the mental, genetic, apathetic mentalities that we hold so close.
So I rise. I stand. I am unzipping and discarding my genes of society.
I am a mutant of society.
Not an outsider, no. A messenger of change. Of empathy. Of peace. Of hope.
I may be a fluke, a random error in the process that is meant
to change me, mold me, leave me bent.
But more mutants will find their voices and join me soon. Stand with me soon.
I am the product of the recessive genes of my parents, completely hidden within their bodies until they were united in one being- me.
I am the product of the unheard voices of society; of the world.
And I am speaking, defiant.
Not rebellious- not yet anyway.
I defy the standards set up for me- I mutate from the norm.
I refuse to hide behind Gucci sunglasses, deafen myself with ipod headphones, restrict my hands by constantly texting.
Eyes are for looking, for crying, for giving sidelong glances, for widening with shock. Ears are for listening, for music to work its magic, for voices to be heard.
Hands are for touching, waving hello, for high fives for shaking, for holding, for saying goodbye.
I don’t want a tiffany’s necklace or a Prada bag or Jimmy Choo heels.
Don’t tell me that I should exist as a shallow, vapid, gold digger just because I’m tall blonde and curvaceous. Has it occurred to you that there might be more going on behind my eyes? Which are up here, by the way.
I would rather talk about the world than which celebrity marriage has gone to shit
But they keep jabbering at me; this useless information stream just won’t quit
Tell me instead who’s gaining power, who they’re killing now
Look me in the eye and tell me how
We can blatantly ignore
the wars, the genocide, the poverty,
all the things that are beyond fucked up in the world
All because we can’t physically hear their plea.
Who am I to preach to you about global issues?
You don’t care, you have other places to be.
But that’s just it- I care. You don’t.
Am I the only one left with empathy?



I’m already standing in front of you
Speaking loudly-

I will not conform to the stereotypes laid out for me
Or engage in this global apathy
I’ve been looking and what I see
Is an alternate reality
Where the youth are inspired and encouraged to care
They stand for what they believe in; pride laid bare
They actually think- about more than what they wear
We are the future, the answer to your prayer.
Rise now, or forever hold your peace
Stand up, mutants of society
Change is now. The future is ours.
Whatever we make it to be.

Rainbow piano/ rhapsody in blue

The wind section starts blowing.
Like the wind in the trees, playing out a sweet melody that would rival that of the birds
Cymbals crash to create
Poetry, only without words

The piano comes in
Hands sweeping up and down, in and out
In a flash of speeding digits
Black and white keys
Trilling out the same tune over and over

Like fingers on a keyboard
That ticka ticka tapa tap
As I write my own symphony
The music of language

The beat drops
The oboes and trumpets and saxaphones
Loudly express what they have to say
The violins create a backdrop that soothes the soul
Meanwhile, the pianist is still whirring along

Hands flying over keys
Black and white, black and white
I was always curious
As to why there were no more colors on the piano
After all, the song is called rhapsody in blue
You’re supposed to be able to hear the color

The saxaphones and trumpets are a regal gold
The oboe is sleek black and silver
The violins are cherry reds and nutmeg browns
Rich colors of the forest
But the piano?
Black. And white.

For something that creates such rich combinations of sound, it looks awfully boring.
Why not have a color gradient going up the keys-
A rainbow piano.

As you know, a rainbow is made
When the sun hits water in the sky
It makes something unexplainable
An unsung lullaby.

Three elements: fire, air, and water
Combined with the fourth and fifth:
The person standing on the ground
And looking up at it with a gaping jaw.

All the colors we know, naturally in one place
Such a delicious visual treat
Should be heard as well
Experienced in all ways possible

So let the soft pinks be the high pitched tinkling notes
That tell of the gentle rose buds, so full of innocence
Fade into powerful reds and oranges,
strong notes of fires and sunsets
Farther even, into the yellows
Warming and comforting like light that can be felt in your heart
Soothing greens, the color of the natural world
As the center of the bands, the center of the keys
Which all life and all music revolves around
Deeper into the lower notes, the blues- used as the background of songs
Like the water of the world, the oceans that are the constant rhythym
Obeying the moon, the constant hand that plays out a beat against the beach and against the quickly changing trills
Into the deepest, lowest notes that resonate in our chests
The gentle lilacs into the rich purples that are so rarely found
Filling us with a sense of wonder and mystery

One must learn to
Combine all the colors in the keys
If they wish to compose
the emotions they experience
into symphonies.

Eyes.

those eyes.
the ones that see right through me.
The ones that I haven't actually seen in two months.
They make me smile.
they make me feel blissful and hopeful and giddy.
Your portal to the world. My link to you.
You know, I want to look in your eyes while I'm in your arms and tell you... everything.


Those eyes. Your eyes.
The bright, deep, open door to you.
All of who you are.
I love your eyes.

Being a writing fiend

I couldn't make up my mind.
Here today, maybe call you tomorrow.
I would rock it on the dance floor
Good at getting attention- all kinds of it

I was easily intrigued
but when it came to commitment
I had A.D.D.
I wasn't one to be tied down

I heard all the promises
the compliments
the offers
but I wasn't impressed

then I found you
who didn't promise anything
didn't ask anything
was too shy to even make a move

And my mind made itself up
I was tied to you
You still haven't offered me anything
but I'm still stuck on you anyway

because the way we are
works best unsaid
we hope we'll be together
but we're exploring the blind alleys
together.

Past, Present, and Future Lovers

I'll be a bond girl
if you can be double oh seven
We'll defeat evildoers
and make our own heaven

If you can be tarzan
I'll be jane
We'll live in the jungle
king and queen of our domain

If you call yourself Tristan
I'll call myself isolde
without the poison, or death
until our story is fully told

I'll say that I'm bonnie
If you say you're clyde
We'll be outlaws in each others' arms
and it'll be one hell of a ride.

I'll be the cleopatra
to your anthony
We'll walk like egyptians
and live in harmony

I wouldn't say I'm barbie
If you wanted to be ken
that's only because I hate her
but I'd let you try again

I'll dance with you as Ginger Rogers
If you twirl as Fred Astaire
We can dazzle the world
with out wit and our flair

I'll be a pale Pocahontas
to your dark skinned John Smith
We can create legends
stronger than myths

You can be my knight, my Lancelot
and I'll be your damsel, your Guinevere
Rescue me from myself
where we can live without fear

Or you can say you're you.
and I can say I'm me.
Names don't matter much
if you and I become a "we".

So far beyond over my head

I want to run and keep running
but my legs are too tired
and can't carry me any farther.

I just want to curl up here
next to you
exchanging body heat and sweet nothings
but you're too far away
and yet you're getting too close

I'm getting so attached
with every minute, every word, every morning
every time I wake up and you're not next to me

I'm so young, I know
but I can't help dreaming of forever
only to wake up confused
When it's not forever
it's just today
another day
when you're not around.

When you're gone
I feel like I lose a part of myself
You're becoming another part of what I call home
and I don't understand fully what's happening

It's terrifying to me
when i'm scared
I run.
So I want to run.
I want to run to you. Into your arms.

Hold me close. Don't let go.
I feel like I'll fly to pieces if you do.

Questions

If I fall,
will you catch me?
If I asked you,
would you wait patiently?

Will you fight against those
who can't understand?
Will you follow your heart
and give me your hand?

Are you willing
to take the chance?
On something we've felt
since first glance?

Are you willing to believe
in the idea of fate?
Or in that some way
we've found our soul mates?

Love as a verb

I don't like the idea of love as a noun.
Love as an object or an idea is empty; powerless.
Love as a verb- now that's powerful stuff.
The problem with power though... usually it involves having power over someone else. In this case, it is just an inherent sense of power within love as an action.

Love as an action.
It takes so many undefined forms, forever changing and growing and expanding.
It is unconfined; from person to person, person to animal, person to idea, etc.

Love is in the little things.
It's in the effort behind the actions.
It's in calling to say hello during a busy day just to hear their voice.
It's craving their presence, but not needing to say anything to fill the silence.
It's saying I love you after fighting.
It's how you define it. How you declare it.

How one person loves another is extraordinarily different from how one loves someone else.
That's why "I love you" are the three most powerful words in the English language.


Why am I thinking about this?
I know love. I know my father, my mother, my sister, my amazing friends, who all supply me with enough love and support to be content forever.
Yet, I have yet to experience another kind of love.
Being IN love.
I've only heard stories and songs about it, but I have yet to know the feeling.
I can guess as to what it's like or what it means, but I won't know for sure until it happens.
How can I know when it happens? Will it just hit me one day or will it be a gradual discovery?
Will I discover it with my lover alongside me?
I'll just have to be patient, I guess.

A Simple Equation

You.
With your constant sassing and your long hair.
I think you're adorable when you eat noodles.
I gross myself out with how much I think of you.
Sleep comes for a moment, only for you to cross my mind. When I wake, I find myself upset that you're not as close as I thought you were.

Me.
With my violent grumpy side you seem to bring out, and my crazy morning hair.
You think I'm beautiful and amazing. I remember, you told me a few days ago.
You miss me as much as I miss you. Right?
The only dreams that you can remember in the past while have both involved me.

Us.
Are we an us? Can I refer to us as "we"?
I'd like to think so. We create things together. Laughter, ideas, plans.
We're making something without following any known recipie. Is that how it's supposed to be?
In all corniness, I hope that it doesn't explode once we try to put it in the oven. If it does, I'll laugh with you and try to make something different.
I didn't know that that was true until I just said it. typed it. thought it.
I'll make something, anything with you.
Friendship. Romance. Love.
I don't know which ones will work yet.
We can discover together.

Options

There are so many options.
I don't want to sound cocky, but I'm used to getting compliments.
I'm so at ease and I love meeting new people.
But guys? They see me as intelligent/not psycho and that I have a cute face, so they automatically put me in the bone zone. Great.
I love guy friends; they're so great to have around- unless they secretly have a crush on you and they hide it really really REALLY well. Cause then, one day, everything explodes.

Back to what I was saying. Options.
Sweet guys, nerdy guys, athletic guys... Usually I'd be "intrigued" at the very least. But now? Now I don't care.
I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this as a realization.
I don't care.
I don't see them how they see me; all I see is you.
Not that we're together or anything, just that I know they'll never measure up to you and how I act around you and how you make me feel.

How do you make me feel?
I keep trying to figure that out and it always just barely slips away from me.
Comfortable. That's a good way to describe it.
But also challenging. You don't let me get away with anything but you never are too harsh.
It's a perfect combination of wit, sarcasm, and genuine caring thoughts.
Which is exactly how I talk to people I really like.

There are so many options.
I could stay here. You could come here. I could go there.
We could meet in the middle.
I want to make it work. I feel like it can; almost like I know it will?
Maybe if we're drawn towards each other strongly enough, nothing will be able to get in our way.
I'm not sure what is going to happen at ALL, which is kind of terrifying.
At the same time, it doesn't really phase me. I get to talk to you all the time, which makes me really happy. If I could be with you, it'd be even better.
Still, we're awfully young- I'm awfully young- to be thinking about these kinds of things so soon.

There are so many options.
Yet the choice is so simple-
I want you.

Butterflies

For the first time, I actually say what I feel.
I tell you almost everything.
I'm pacing myself... I can't reveal everything to you just yet.
The words I write are scary even to me- I can't imagine what they would do to you.

Yet... You understand. I've never read someone a poem that was about them so close to when I wrote it. You loved it. You got the butterflies. I get them every time I think about you.

You're far away, but you're so close to me.
I love this and I hate it all at the same time.

Everything seems fine when I'm talking to you.
I talk to you for hours like I've known you forever. I feel as though this has been lifetimes longer than almost a month. Has it really only been that long?

I can't picture how this is going to go.
I mean, I obviously have my own desires of where I hope it will go, but the actual reality of it remains fuzzy.

You make me glow.

When I talk to you
When I think of you
When I wake from dreaming of you
I feel like I'm holding
a warm sphere of light;
I start glowing.

It comes from within
exactly where, I'm not sure
but it radiates through me
all of me tingles with sparks of energy.

This sensation is new
is exciting
is wonderful
and I'm hoping
it's mutual.

I've always pictured
my true center
as a green core of light
with small tendrils reaching out
growing, budding, flowering.

When you walk into my world
I feel as though that core
bursts into life
it throws out vines in every direction
and creates flowers never seen before
Striped and speckled lilies,
Orchids beyond their normal extremities
Daisies, irises, pansies
Roses, lavender, jasmine, lilac

I've never felt so alive
if that's what this feeling is
I can't begin to imagine
what it'll be like
when you hold me in your arms.

It feels like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

You've reminded me how I love to write.
You're my inspiration, and my muse.
I've said before that my muses usually catch me off guard.
That's what you did, you caught me off guard. Completely unexpected.
It feels so right. So simple. So natural.

I touch my hair when I talk to you because I don't know what else to do.
I get nervous.
I smile too big for my own face.
And now... I think you feel the same?
But I can't tell because we're too awkward together. Which I really enjoy, but still.

I want to be with you so badly.
This is so hard, but it's also so easy.
I wish I could see how things work out, or don't work out.
Whichever way it goes, I want to know.
Actually- I want to make it work. If I can.
Maybe you want it to work too?
Isn't that all it would take?

Hanging by a thread of hope

I've been told
that love is patient;
love is kind
they never said
it's something that finds you
not something you find.

"Love isn't rational"
is what someone's wisdom told me
but my heart still says
that with you is where I want to be.

I've heard before
that love conquers all
but what can battle this feeling
that I've begun to fall?

I'm tumbling down
heels over head
wanting to ask you so much
but remaining silent instead.

You keep appearing
everywhere I go
I think I'm getting attached to you;
better yet, I know.

With one word, you can make me smile.

I know what it's like
to feel meaningless
to feel the spark, then nothing
after every kiss.

So why is it that every time
I even think about you
I feel secure and comforted
then my sense of longing ensues.

Confusion settles in my mind
when I feel this comfort in my soul
My heart is lost completely
Because in my life, I don't know your role.

This is heading in some direction
I'll willingly follow, though I'm not lost
I want to see where the road goes
even though I'm unsure of the cost.

Hey Jade

You've mesmerized me
captured me, confused me
with your bright blue eyes
you don't know what you're doing to me.

I stumbled upon the thought
and it only took a day
for me to become
fully and completely swept away.

I feel a constriction
somewhere in my chest
knowing you exist
and fate must care for the rest

The world is unfair to decide
that I can't be with you
and that you can't and don't know this
yet these words still ring true.

I ache and pain to cross the ocean
and run into your arms
a place I have never yet called home
you've given me no promises
but captured me with your charms.

I ask myself, repeatedly
how I know this, without question
that I desire your presence
but yet is something I daren't mention.

You may never know what you've done
and this, perhaps, is the biggest wrong of all
I wish I could tell you
How I have fallen, and continue to fall.

For now, you'll reside in the back of my mind
possibly appearing in my dreams;
a memory in my life
from when things began to split at the seams.

I hope you remember me
in what way, I'm not sure
I'll remember you exactly,
perfectly, as you were.

Stating the obvious

Being "together"
is very different from being apart.

Because when we're apart
I'm not with you anymore.

And when I'm not with you
I wish that I was.

Some things just don't change.

There are some things that I wish I could say, but the truthful words will always remain behind my lips.
There are some things that I wish I could do, but I keep my arms at my sides to prevent them from reaching for you.
There are some things that I wish I could stop thinking about, but my mind always returns to you.

I want your arms around me.
I want your voice in my ear.
I want to stop hurting.
I want you back. So badly.
And I didn't know that I'd feel this way until you walked out and said "this isn't goodbye."
But it was.

I said goodbye to you. My best friend. My lover. Part of my world.
And now... Now I can't let you go.
I want to stop crying and stop hiding my emotions behind facades of smiles.

I hate trying at something I know won't work... But I want to be with you so badly and I can't help it.

I realized that I was falling for you too hard to turn back. I don't know when or how or why it happened, but I knew that it was. Did I forget to tell you how much you meant to me? How much you mean to me?
I'm so confused and lost when it comes to you.
I feel broken.
I am broken.

I can't take my mind off of you.
I can see you and be completely fine.
Then, I'll sit in my room for a few minutes and everything will come rushing back.
I need change. I need something to be different.

I need to move on.
But I still don't know how.

Home.

Home is where the heart is.
My home is with my family.
My home is with my three best friends.
My home is with Sarah.
My home is in my apartment, with my roommates.

I had a fifth home.
He was my home.
When I was with him, I was home.
I was safe. I was comfortable.
I didn't have to wear make up or sound intelligent.
I was home.

And now... a fifth of my heart, a fifth of my home... it's missing.
Gone. Just like that.
I don't know what to do with this missing piece.
Do I find another piece that will fit, or do I let the other pieces expand?
Do I look for another home, or do I close the door on it until a different door in my heart opens?

There's no way to describe how this affects me. I keep trying, but the words just don't come out right.
Everything is mixed up. I'm so confused and lost at heart.
I don't know where I'm supposed to go.
So I'm stuck here. Missing you.
I thought I would be better now, but I still miss you.

I keep dreaming about you. You ask for me back, but only if i can accomplish some impossible task.
I can't do what you're asking me to. I can't have you back.
There's a hole inside me, somewhere. I'm trying to fill it with anything I can find, but nothing fits.
You took a piece of me, and you broke it.
You said you wanted to still be friends. Was that a lie?
I haven't seen you in weeks.

I heard you laugh for the first time in weeks the other day and it reduced me to tears.
To say I miss you is never saying enough.
I miss your touch, your face, your smile, your arms around me so secure and warm. Your sleepy gaze that you would cast in my direction as you would pull me close to you.

You pulled me in and didn't let me go. You're walking away unscathed; no remaining feelings to haunt you at night.
I thought I could walk away, but you keep pulling me in harder and harder each time.
You made me fall for you harder than I ever wanted to.
It's all your fault, but I don't blame you at all.

I just want to go home.
But now, I'm not sure where that is.

I don't give a fuck.

Well, this is great.
Just fuckin awesome.
I don't want to fall in love, I don't want happily ever after.
I just want some stability and a lack of general bullshit. Is that really too much to ask for?
Especially from you, of all people.
I thought I could expect you to look me in the eye, or even act like we were friends.
Not like I didn't exist. Or like you didn't want to see me. Or like we weren't just together for, oh, I dunno, 4 months?
You're just gonna pretend like I'm nothing?
That's fuckin fine.
I don't care.
Obviously, right?
I'm hoping that if I keep saying it that it'll finally come true.
It's over. Don't waste your time.
what. the. fuck. ever.

I'm ranting now. That's fine.
You're driving me up the fucking wall.
I miss your presence in my life. Is that such a bad thing?
Well I'm not okay with pretending like the last 4 months didn't happen.
Whatever happened in the end, that doesn't change the fact that you became one of my best friends. I told you everything. You told me damn near everything.

And now we're going to act like i'm the crazy ex girlfriend.
GREAT.
I'm not fuckin crazy. I'm the most stable girl I know, for goodness sake. I just want to have a friendship. You know, like we agreed to when things ended?

I don't have feelings for you, and I'm not just saying that.
I heard what the world was trying to tell me.
I got it. It took a while to get my attention, but I got it.

I realize who I want to have in my life, and who I don't.
You're one of the people I want to keep around.
So you're going to have to fight a lot harder to lose me.
Not like this doesn't hurt.
I'll just keep saying I don't give a fuck in hopes that I finally won't.

State of mind: altered.

It took two nights out with my girls, but I did it.
I'm over it.
I'm not affected by it.
My hands still remember the feel of your skin, yes... but I no longer feel like I belong to you.
My heart is my own and mine to give to whomever I wish.

I care about you, don't get me wrong.
But I'm going to find what makes ME happy.
I hope you find something or someone that makes you just as happy as I am right now.
I hope that you're dealing with this as well as I am, because I just wanna be friends with you again.

Even being under the influence doesn't affect me when it comes to you.
I'm not upset, not angry, not missing you. I guess this means I'm moving on.
Not to hurt you. Never to hurt you.
Just to help myself heal.

Things will work themselves out.

River Flows in You

I write until my fingers hurt.
I cry until no more tears will come.
I speak until my mouth is dry.
I hold myself together until I fall apart.

This emptiness, this blankness, this vast bleak space that eats away at me keeps appearing.
I don't know why. I don't know when.
I just... hurt.

I miss you so much.
Here come the tears.
I was doing so well at holding them back... but your memory surprises me.
I keep listening to that song.
the one that starts out so beautiful, so entrancing. so melodic. so touching.
so captivating.
so undescribable.
so full of hope and joy. of stories and of wonder.
of complicated melodies woven together.
now whenever i hear it, I think of you.
it describes us perfectly- there are no words.

There is no way for me to say how I feel. how I felt.
I keep trying to put it together, and I just can't.
but listenting to it breaks my heart a little more every time.
I feel like the room is spinning and I can't hold myself down.
I want you to be here, to be my anchor.

The song changes... it sounds sad now. The pace slows, and becomes thoughtful. Still just as beautiful... and suddenly, it ends. With a few last, sad, bitter notes, it ends.

Back and Forth

I'm okay, then I'm not.
I'm happy with things, then I'm upset.
I'm doing alright, then I'm falling apart at the seams.
I'm not thinking about you at all, then I miss you so much it hurts.
I'm healing, then I'm wondering if I made the right choice.
I'm moving on, then I think about how things were for so long.

I'm tired of flipping back and forth.
I want to be one of the other; not both.
Make it stop. Please.

Wishing Well

I wish I could see you again.
I wish I could hear your voice, low and calming.
I wish I was yours.
I wish I woke up next to you today.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I could tell you all of this.
I wish you knew what I'm feeling.
I wish I didn't have to pretend I'm okay.
I wish I could forget.
I wish that I'll always remember exactly how you were.
I wish you would take it back.
I wish you could take it back.
I wish I didn't want this still.

I wish I could make all these wishes come true.

Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.

Can't or won't? I'm not sure.

Something about actually seeing that you're "single" cuts me deeper than I thought it would have.
Something about seeing all my friends in official relationships stings more than it should.
Listening to these songs over and over can't be good for me.
I really should sleep. Or stop thinking. Or both.
Both of those are hard to do when I miss you so much.

Never saw it coming.

So unexpected. I still don't understand.
I hope understanding will come with time, and with healing.
I'm hurting. and I don't understand.
I asked the world to help me. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying not to miss you, but it's so hard.
I won't think about it. I won't think about you. I won't. I won't. I keep telling myself I won't.
But there you are; you're everywhere I look. You're the music that keeps playing, you're the smell of incense that still lingers in my room.

You're such a big part of my life. of me. How can I let you go? How can I move on?
I'm trying to move past this, but I'm just starting to feel the tugging at the bottom of my chest that lets me know I'm alone.
I miss you.
There, I said it.
I feel like I made the wrong choice. I want you back. I want you here. I want your body next to mine. I want to wake up to your face, I want to wake up in your arms.
I can't run to you anymore, can I?

I thought I was special to you. I thought I meant something.
I did, I guess. You say I did. You say you care about me.
But you can't fall in love with me. Well, I never thought that it would last forever... It crossed my mind a few times though.
I really like being with you. I like spending time with you. I don't know how to deal with losing you.
It's just as hard, seeing you hurt over losing me.
I'm going to be strong through this and not talk to you. I'm going to give us space, even though it's the last thing I want.
I want to run down to your door and pull you close to me; ask you to reconsider.
But that's not who I am. That's not who you are.
I'm here. You're there. You're not going to change. and I'm not going to wait.

I'm an amazing girlfriend, I know I am.
Still, it hurts like hell. Can't I just be mad at you instead? Can't you go do somethign to piss me off and make me hate you?
No, I wouldn't want that. It would make it easier, but this is going to be better in the long run.
I guess I just have to get used to this dull aching in my chest.
I guess I have to start forgetting you.
I guess I have to move on.

But that doesn't mean I want to.

Cascades

Why is it that I feel the most alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me the most?
Maybe not so much alone just as let down. By people i thought i could count on to be who they said they would be... but words are always easier than actions.

I drove home tonight, then turned around and kept driving. I drove along the country roads and attempted to lose myself among the stars.
It was a full moon tonight. It shone on my face as I followed the curves of the road, trying to pick out individual thoughts. Eventually, I stopped. I stepped out of my car in the middle of nowhere- surrounded by empty land on both sides- and lied down in the middle of the road.
I stared up into the night sky. I listened to the soft trilling of the Killdeers and the gentle murmurs of the frogs. I watched as one, then two cars drove to unknown destinations.
I was totally and completely alone. I let my thoughts cascade over one another, crashing and flowing of their own accord.
I looked up at the bright, shining moon, and I actually saw it. I listened to the sounds of nature that are all around, and I actually heard them. I actually felt the stars and the cold wind on my skin. I tasted the confusion and hesitation on my tongue.

I have my flaws, my minute imperfections. I try to be the best person that I can, but I can't help feeling confused/lost/afraid at times.
Confused as to who I should really have in my life. Lost for words when I try to talk about things that have happened. And afraid that I'm going to lose someone or that I'm not going in the right direction for my future.

The only way to truly express how I feel is with the complementary melodies of a piano song.
I want to stay home, where I belong... Yet I feel a tug on my heartstrings to return to the new home that I have created.
Can't I just sleep for a while and wait until all this passes?
I'm too young to be thinking this much. When will it be acceptable for me to not be looked upon as a child anymore?
When can I make my own decisions without someone remarking about my age?
When is it appropriate for me to assert what I want to do for the rest of my life?
When is it acceptable for me to say that I'm in love and not have people scoff at it?
I wouldn't know; I've never been in love.
I thought I was, once... But that's a different story entirely.

I'm in love with what I do; with the world around me. It changes constantly yet it's unpredictability is what fascinates me the most at times.
Maybe it's along the path that I know I'll follow that I'll find the answers to these questions... Or maybe it will lead me to more questions.
Still, it'll be one interesting journey to have.