Some things just don't change.

There are some things that I wish I could say, but the truthful words will always remain behind my lips.
There are some things that I wish I could do, but I keep my arms at my sides to prevent them from reaching for you.
There are some things that I wish I could stop thinking about, but my mind always returns to you.

I want your arms around me.
I want your voice in my ear.
I want to stop hurting.
I want you back. So badly.
And I didn't know that I'd feel this way until you walked out and said "this isn't goodbye."
But it was.

I said goodbye to you. My best friend. My lover. Part of my world.
And now... Now I can't let you go.
I want to stop crying and stop hiding my emotions behind facades of smiles.

I hate trying at something I know won't work... But I want to be with you so badly and I can't help it.

I realized that I was falling for you too hard to turn back. I don't know when or how or why it happened, but I knew that it was. Did I forget to tell you how much you meant to me? How much you mean to me?
I'm so confused and lost when it comes to you.
I feel broken.
I am broken.

I can't take my mind off of you.
I can see you and be completely fine.
Then, I'll sit in my room for a few minutes and everything will come rushing back.
I need change. I need something to be different.

I need to move on.
But I still don't know how.

Home.

Home is where the heart is.
My home is with my family.
My home is with my three best friends.
My home is with Sarah.
My home is in my apartment, with my roommates.

I had a fifth home.
He was my home.
When I was with him, I was home.
I was safe. I was comfortable.
I didn't have to wear make up or sound intelligent.
I was home.

And now... a fifth of my heart, a fifth of my home... it's missing.
Gone. Just like that.
I don't know what to do with this missing piece.
Do I find another piece that will fit, or do I let the other pieces expand?
Do I look for another home, or do I close the door on it until a different door in my heart opens?

There's no way to describe how this affects me. I keep trying, but the words just don't come out right.
Everything is mixed up. I'm so confused and lost at heart.
I don't know where I'm supposed to go.
So I'm stuck here. Missing you.
I thought I would be better now, but I still miss you.

I keep dreaming about you. You ask for me back, but only if i can accomplish some impossible task.
I can't do what you're asking me to. I can't have you back.
There's a hole inside me, somewhere. I'm trying to fill it with anything I can find, but nothing fits.
You took a piece of me, and you broke it.
You said you wanted to still be friends. Was that a lie?
I haven't seen you in weeks.

I heard you laugh for the first time in weeks the other day and it reduced me to tears.
To say I miss you is never saying enough.
I miss your touch, your face, your smile, your arms around me so secure and warm. Your sleepy gaze that you would cast in my direction as you would pull me close to you.

You pulled me in and didn't let me go. You're walking away unscathed; no remaining feelings to haunt you at night.
I thought I could walk away, but you keep pulling me in harder and harder each time.
You made me fall for you harder than I ever wanted to.
It's all your fault, but I don't blame you at all.

I just want to go home.
But now, I'm not sure where that is.

I don't give a fuck.

Well, this is great.
Just fuckin awesome.
I don't want to fall in love, I don't want happily ever after.
I just want some stability and a lack of general bullshit. Is that really too much to ask for?
Especially from you, of all people.
I thought I could expect you to look me in the eye, or even act like we were friends.
Not like I didn't exist. Or like you didn't want to see me. Or like we weren't just together for, oh, I dunno, 4 months?
You're just gonna pretend like I'm nothing?
That's fuckin fine.
I don't care.
Obviously, right?
I'm hoping that if I keep saying it that it'll finally come true.
It's over. Don't waste your time.
what. the. fuck. ever.

I'm ranting now. That's fine.
You're driving me up the fucking wall.
I miss your presence in my life. Is that such a bad thing?
Well I'm not okay with pretending like the last 4 months didn't happen.
Whatever happened in the end, that doesn't change the fact that you became one of my best friends. I told you everything. You told me damn near everything.

And now we're going to act like i'm the crazy ex girlfriend.
GREAT.
I'm not fuckin crazy. I'm the most stable girl I know, for goodness sake. I just want to have a friendship. You know, like we agreed to when things ended?

I don't have feelings for you, and I'm not just saying that.
I heard what the world was trying to tell me.
I got it. It took a while to get my attention, but I got it.

I realize who I want to have in my life, and who I don't.
You're one of the people I want to keep around.
So you're going to have to fight a lot harder to lose me.
Not like this doesn't hurt.
I'll just keep saying I don't give a fuck in hopes that I finally won't.

State of mind: altered.

It took two nights out with my girls, but I did it.
I'm over it.
I'm not affected by it.
My hands still remember the feel of your skin, yes... but I no longer feel like I belong to you.
My heart is my own and mine to give to whomever I wish.

I care about you, don't get me wrong.
But I'm going to find what makes ME happy.
I hope you find something or someone that makes you just as happy as I am right now.
I hope that you're dealing with this as well as I am, because I just wanna be friends with you again.

Even being under the influence doesn't affect me when it comes to you.
I'm not upset, not angry, not missing you. I guess this means I'm moving on.
Not to hurt you. Never to hurt you.
Just to help myself heal.

Things will work themselves out.

River Flows in You

I write until my fingers hurt.
I cry until no more tears will come.
I speak until my mouth is dry.
I hold myself together until I fall apart.

This emptiness, this blankness, this vast bleak space that eats away at me keeps appearing.
I don't know why. I don't know when.
I just... hurt.

I miss you so much.
Here come the tears.
I was doing so well at holding them back... but your memory surprises me.
I keep listening to that song.
the one that starts out so beautiful, so entrancing. so melodic. so touching.
so captivating.
so undescribable.
so full of hope and joy. of stories and of wonder.
of complicated melodies woven together.
now whenever i hear it, I think of you.
it describes us perfectly- there are no words.

There is no way for me to say how I feel. how I felt.
I keep trying to put it together, and I just can't.
but listenting to it breaks my heart a little more every time.
I feel like the room is spinning and I can't hold myself down.
I want you to be here, to be my anchor.

The song changes... it sounds sad now. The pace slows, and becomes thoughtful. Still just as beautiful... and suddenly, it ends. With a few last, sad, bitter notes, it ends.

Back and Forth

I'm okay, then I'm not.
I'm happy with things, then I'm upset.
I'm doing alright, then I'm falling apart at the seams.
I'm not thinking about you at all, then I miss you so much it hurts.
I'm healing, then I'm wondering if I made the right choice.
I'm moving on, then I think about how things were for so long.

I'm tired of flipping back and forth.
I want to be one of the other; not both.
Make it stop. Please.

Wishing Well

I wish I could see you again.
I wish I could hear your voice, low and calming.
I wish I was yours.
I wish I woke up next to you today.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I could tell you all of this.
I wish you knew what I'm feeling.
I wish I didn't have to pretend I'm okay.
I wish I could forget.
I wish that I'll always remember exactly how you were.
I wish you would take it back.
I wish you could take it back.
I wish I didn't want this still.

I wish I could make all these wishes come true.

Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.

Can't or won't? I'm not sure.

Something about actually seeing that you're "single" cuts me deeper than I thought it would have.
Something about seeing all my friends in official relationships stings more than it should.
Listening to these songs over and over can't be good for me.
I really should sleep. Or stop thinking. Or both.
Both of those are hard to do when I miss you so much.

Never saw it coming.

So unexpected. I still don't understand.
I hope understanding will come with time, and with healing.
I'm hurting. and I don't understand.
I asked the world to help me. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying not to miss you, but it's so hard.
I won't think about it. I won't think about you. I won't. I won't. I keep telling myself I won't.
But there you are; you're everywhere I look. You're the music that keeps playing, you're the smell of incense that still lingers in my room.

You're such a big part of my life. of me. How can I let you go? How can I move on?
I'm trying to move past this, but I'm just starting to feel the tugging at the bottom of my chest that lets me know I'm alone.
I miss you.
There, I said it.
I feel like I made the wrong choice. I want you back. I want you here. I want your body next to mine. I want to wake up to your face, I want to wake up in your arms.
I can't run to you anymore, can I?

I thought I was special to you. I thought I meant something.
I did, I guess. You say I did. You say you care about me.
But you can't fall in love with me. Well, I never thought that it would last forever... It crossed my mind a few times though.
I really like being with you. I like spending time with you. I don't know how to deal with losing you.
It's just as hard, seeing you hurt over losing me.
I'm going to be strong through this and not talk to you. I'm going to give us space, even though it's the last thing I want.
I want to run down to your door and pull you close to me; ask you to reconsider.
But that's not who I am. That's not who you are.
I'm here. You're there. You're not going to change. and I'm not going to wait.

I'm an amazing girlfriend, I know I am.
Still, it hurts like hell. Can't I just be mad at you instead? Can't you go do somethign to piss me off and make me hate you?
No, I wouldn't want that. It would make it easier, but this is going to be better in the long run.
I guess I just have to get used to this dull aching in my chest.
I guess I have to start forgetting you.
I guess I have to move on.

But that doesn't mean I want to.