Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.