Gravity

We had the perfect day
that started with a piggyback ride and ended with an embrace, I was curled next to your chest
as your arms whispered me the promises that I knew you wouldn't keep.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as you held my face in your hand and kissed my fears away
Kissed away the questions on my lips, so I swallowed them whole
stayed silent, kept my tongue still even though my mind was racing like it was on the Indy 500
Hoping that the night would stay, that we could dance to the music of the stars
as they twinkled soft symphonies on our cheeks
listening to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
So I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the fact that I know better.
I was a fool- I trusted you.

And these last two weeks of silence has caused my mind to become chaos
Pointing fingers shaped like guns at the cause of this mess
Knowing that I should just walk away
but I can't, because my knees get weak when I see you.
That I shouldn't speak to you again
but my vocal chords play the sweetest melodies when the sounds fall upon your eardrums
That I should just cut my losses
but I can't sever the ties to something with so much potential.

Honestly, I miss you.
but I'm almost certain that you won't hear this
because even if you were here, you've never really listened to me
You bipolar technicolor rollercoaster ride of a person
You change from one side of yourself to the other faster than a lightswitch.
and I never know which one I'm going to get.
Like the mystery center of a childhood candy.
you were wrapped in a bright cellophane exterior
that I could see right through

And I'm now smarter
I know I should have called allstate
So I could have ensured that I wouldn't be damaged
That the emotional car wrecks would be covered
that I could trust that I was in good hands.
because you've never held me close, have you?

You've never had the courage
to ask me the questions that I know were burning in the front of your mind
because I could see them singed onto your forehead
You were afraid of me
afraid that I would hurt you
but this unchoreographed tightrope dance doesn't seem like the best alternative
because it's only going to end with one of us falling
with no safety net or trampoline to catch
the unlucky one who looses their footing

But
we both know
that I already fell
the tip of my shoe caught in the cracks of my forced smile
We both know
that my steady feet stumbled
and I fell into your gravity
and we both know
that you aren't going to try to catch me.

So let me hit the ground-
maybe it will knock some sense into me
maybe it will finally give me the strength to push you away
maybe it will paralyze me so that I can no longer feel so much
like I did that one night.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as
we listened to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
when you touched my skin so softly, held my hand so gently
I felt tingling spiders of ecstasy racing up my arm,
as if my fingers wanted to tell the rest of my body what it was missing.
That night was perfect.
But the sun always rises
and so does my voice
so I'll yell your name from the roof of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you for the last two years
and I've just been plugging my ears

So here's to hoping that this won't break me, here's to trusting you, here's to everything I know isn't going to work
Here's to gravity, because I'm still falling.

Drinking

I woke up with a headache
a thick bitterness on my tongue
and shaking hands
from the night before.
I was so love drunk off of you
so this is the worst hangover I've ever had.

My temples pound with the beat of my heart
that sounds more like a ticking time bomb
counting down the seconds until I start thinking
that I wasn't good enough for you.
I want this taste of regret out of my mouth
but I'm not sure how it got there in the first place
Maybe I said your name into the wind too many times
in hopes that it would carry you away from me.
My fingertips tremble
with the memory of how yours felt
like you were finally ready to lead me
but you only brought me to the edge of a cliff.

We walked, hand in hand, fingers intwined like the teeth of a zipper
I let myself look into our future just one more time
and it felt so sweet and inviting
so when I curled my toes around the jumping point
I didn't fall for you
I launched forward headfirst
into nothingness.
I streaked back towards earth alone, like a self destructing missile
I was determined to get back to you.
To make a home in your arms again
to make you see how thrilling the fall can be
because you've always been my gravity.

Pulling me away from everything
away from reason, away from sound words from kind friends
away from my own sanity.

but the only words I can think of to tell you
aren't even my own.
because if I make a list of things you do
I would only make it through the first nine just so I could say
ten, i hate you, ten, i miss you, ten, i love you, ten, it's hard for me to count when i get emotional, ten
and 90% of human communication is nonverbal

but you never had a problem with that
you communicated quite clearly that
I wasn't good enough
you were ashamed of me
I had done something wrong
the past can't be forgotten
I didn't deserve you
You didn't love me
You didn't love me
You didn't love me.

and you proved it to me three times over.
so tell me
why would I give you a chance now
when I know that you're just going to run with it
in the opposite direction
away from me
to leave me standing
foolishly hopeful
and alone.

Shiver

You can be my kite. skimming over my curves with the beat of a summer breeze, light fluttery touches that make me arch my back in anticipation. Or you can follow the path of a hurricane, full of energy, let me get caught up in the whirlwind of delicious destruction as you leave crescent moon shaped marks on my neck in your wake.

Pull me into you, into the eye of the storm where I have to grip your back so that I can stay anchored in this world.
Make me your own, brand your name into my lips so that it's the only thing I can say.
and when you think you've had enough, I'll make you come
to your senses
savoring each sensation that slowly seduces your shivering skin

I'll make it hard
for you to leave
because the best distractions
are the ones left unsaid.

Again.

Seriously?
Seriously.
wait, SERIOUSLY?

you. of all people.
are you freaking kidding me?
now I know the world is messing with me.

because you're back in my life.
You, who I thought I could be in love with.
You, who occupied every thought in my mind for I don't even know how long
You, who I think of whenever I hear Halo, or Hot and Cold, or so many other damn songs that have now been ruined for me
You, who I can't walk around my own campus without thinking about
You, who always pops up in my head when I don't want you there
You, who is STILL my kryptonite
You. You are so damn stubborn. and confusing. and annoying and slow and stupid

and attractive. and amazing. and bright and easy to laugh with and so lifting to be around
I hate you.
that's not true.
I hate what you do to me.
I hate that even after all these years, I'm still so attached to you
that I still have feelings for you
I thought I buried them
six feet under, under new memories and more resolve and logic that i've already repeated to myself a thousand times
you're no good for me. you're no good for me. you're no good for me.
you don't know what's good for me.
but being around you makes me want to cry.
and i wish i knew why
maybe it's because you took so damn long
and i didn't even know I was waiting
maybe it's because you've put me through so much
maybe it's because I didn't know this is what I wanted until you offered it
maybe because after everything i've been through with everyone else
you're still something that I want

I want to know you. all of you.
I want you to hold me in your arms as I fall asleep and I want you to tell me it's alright when I have nightmares and I want you to tell me I'm pretty in the morning even when I know I'm not
I want me to be the first thing you see.
I want to roll over and think i'm still dreaming. that this is too great to be reality
I want to take a chance on everything that we could have been

I want to scream
at you
at full volume
how frustrated you make me
I want to yell
your name
from the rooftop of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you
and I was just plugging my ears for the last two years

I wish I had the courage
to ask you to make me yours
and I wish I could trust you
to know that you won't let me down
or hurt me again.

but I don't know anything.
and I don't even know if I can take a chance on this
as much as I want to
because your halo keeps getting caught on your horns
because you let the devil on your tongue do the talking too much
and I can never tell which version of you I'm going to get

So pick one, and stick with it.
learn to speak from your heart, not just your mind
and then
maybe
then we can talk.

Svegliarsi la mattina

you sang to me, beautiful words I didn't understand
saying that first thing you wanted to do upon waking in the morning
was talk to me. only with me.

It took me a moment to realize that those were the lyrics
you weren't the one doing the talking
it felt so fucking perfect
but the universe just likes messing with me too much
to let this be easy

So open the door for me to be overly critical of myself
making me feel guilty for being less than perfect
wishing I could be exactly what you want
so i would never have to leave your arms
which felt so right that I never wanted to be anywhere else.

I'm so damn A.D.D.
but I like to say that I just think faster than everyone else
but you kept me entertained
for hours
I could sit at listen to you
all your stories unfolded in front of me
and I hung on your every word like my life depended on it.
remembered every detail of your life better than I remember what I did yesterday.

I never liked football
until it meant spending more time with you
now when the game comes on
I watch it, and wonder what you're thinking
but it's less fun when you're not around
to make fun of all the fumbles and slip ups

You were and are such a gentleman
too bad I don't speak etiquette.
now I'm hoping that we can still be friends
as dumb as that sounds
because i'm pretty sure that you don't want to be more than that anyways.
but just so you know...

I started making plans.
I knew better, but I did it anyway.
so now, when I hear that song
with the slow sweet guitar that serenades my mind
and syrupy lyrics that melt my heart
it makes me wish for things I can't have.
makes me angry that I've never been able to have them.
makes me wonder what I've done wrong to never be lucky enough to be in love.

Wanting part 2

I want you to know that you give me the butterflies. Know that I've never been in love- but I want to know what it's like. I want to stop being angry at all the dumbasses that fucked me over, the nights that shouldn't have happened, the stupid mistakes I knew better than to make but they felt so good that made them anyway. I'm tired of compromising my identity for a future that he won't stick around long enough to recognize.

I want you to make me yours. Take me away from here and say we'll always be together- I've always wanted a forever man but I never wanted to ask. Thought it would make me look bad if people knew I didn't want to be alone. That Ive been doing me and doing it well for so damn long that I might sacrifice between my future with myself and my future with him. But I don't even have a him.
We only go through this life once. I know that I want to be able to wake up and hear "I love you" at least once. To feel okay for taking a risk; knowing that in the end it was worth it because the fireworks that happened when we were together were so much brighter than the flames that our relationship died in. To be able to look back and see the midddle of the story, not just the end.

I want to stop feeling like I'm broken, like I fucked up, like it's my fault that I don't trust the opposite sex when I know that that trust has been abused so many times. I want to not wonder what I'm doing wrong that I dontdesrve or get the chance at love. I'm tired of making excuses for how I am. I don't want to have to do this alone any more. I want to have a valentine and not feel guilty for that person helping me through rough patches. I wish someone would understand how my mind works and be willing to sacrifice for me.
I wish I didn't feel guilty for writing all this.

Wanting part 1

I want to be done with this. Physics is driving me crazy. I want to work in a tropical rainforest where the birds and the frogs are so loud that I can't sleep properly for the first two weeks. I want to get back to knowing exactly who I am and what I want and where I'm going. I'm tired of feeling lost and confused and frustrated and having to do stupid things that don't apply to me. I'm tires of being treated like another student who's going to med school because I'm not. I'm going to make a bigger difference. I'm used to being supported but I also know how to face those who are armed with "you can't"s. Because I can and I fucking will. You can try to stop me but I've come too far to turn around and be deterred. I just wish I didnt have to slog through all the bullshit of required nonsense when really I know exactly here I want to end up- and it doesn't have to do with a category three GE. let me follow my passion- is it really so hard to believe that ive known what I want to do since I was twelve? Because I do know. I have known. Stop trying to mold me into all the cookie cutter filler students who just want to go to med school so they can please mommy and daddy and live in a house with a white picket fence with a white husband and white kids and white walls that feel more like bars. I want to escape from this apathetic crowd that I'm drowning in. Someone help me please- tell me I'm not the only one who cares.