Again.

Seriously?
Seriously.
wait, SERIOUSLY?

you. of all people.
are you freaking kidding me?
now I know the world is messing with me.

because you're back in my life.
You, who I thought I could be in love with.
You, who occupied every thought in my mind for I don't even know how long
You, who I think of whenever I hear Halo, or Hot and Cold, or so many other damn songs that have now been ruined for me
You, who I can't walk around my own campus without thinking about
You, who always pops up in my head when I don't want you there
You, who is STILL my kryptonite
You. You are so damn stubborn. and confusing. and annoying and slow and stupid

and attractive. and amazing. and bright and easy to laugh with and so lifting to be around
I hate you.
that's not true.
I hate what you do to me.
I hate that even after all these years, I'm still so attached to you
that I still have feelings for you
I thought I buried them
six feet under, under new memories and more resolve and logic that i've already repeated to myself a thousand times
you're no good for me. you're no good for me. you're no good for me.
you don't know what's good for me.
but being around you makes me want to cry.
and i wish i knew why
maybe it's because you took so damn long
and i didn't even know I was waiting
maybe it's because you've put me through so much
maybe it's because I didn't know this is what I wanted until you offered it
maybe because after everything i've been through with everyone else
you're still something that I want

I want to know you. all of you.
I want you to hold me in your arms as I fall asleep and I want you to tell me it's alright when I have nightmares and I want you to tell me I'm pretty in the morning even when I know I'm not
I want me to be the first thing you see.
I want to roll over and think i'm still dreaming. that this is too great to be reality
I want to take a chance on everything that we could have been

I want to scream
at you
at full volume
how frustrated you make me
I want to yell
your name
from the rooftop of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you
and I was just plugging my ears for the last two years

I wish I had the courage
to ask you to make me yours
and I wish I could trust you
to know that you won't let me down
or hurt me again.

but I don't know anything.
and I don't even know if I can take a chance on this
as much as I want to
because your halo keeps getting caught on your horns
because you let the devil on your tongue do the talking too much
and I can never tell which version of you I'm going to get

So pick one, and stick with it.
learn to speak from your heart, not just your mind
and then
maybe
then we can talk.