Budding affections

You walk to me so easily
my stomach and tongue are a mess of knots.
I had something witty to say
but now that I've seen you, I forgot.

Wish you were here.

To say it simply,

I miss you.

the words don't come out right

but the thoughts do.

I long for the warmth

of your body next to mine.

of your voice, soft in my ear.

of your presence, so comforting.

I can't help but want you near.

My usual lines of elegance

fall apart

when coupled this dull aching

somewhere near my heart.

New beginnings

You make me so happy.
I always want to be curled up next to you.
I've run out of reason to be upset- you're there to calm me down every time I run to your arms.
You don't realize what you mean to me, do you?
I don't think you do. Not quite yet.

When you hold me, what are you thinking?
Am I just another girl to you? Because I'm not. I'm much, much different from the other girls you've known.
I have an attitude, that much you know already.
Underneath that, though... I have a soft side that I show to very few.
At the end of the day, I come visit you. Not anyone else. You. The last thing I do is see you. That means something.

I overanalyze everything... and I don't like it.
Everything you say- I have it stored away in the back of my mind.
Whenever you talk, I listen. I never knew I wanted to know so much about anyone until I lied in your arms and your soft murmurs lulled me to sleep.

I still don't really know how this all happened.
It feels like I woke up a month later- "oh, that was such a lovely dream. Too bad it's not real." And continue on with life.
Except you want to see me. You want to hold me. You want to kiss me.
Even when I can't kiss you, I crave your presence. Do you know this?
I've said it a few times, but I'll say it again now- I miss you.
Do you know that when you said that to me the first time, I felt my heart literally jump?
The reason I don't say anything when you tell me these things is that I can't think of anything intelligent to say- which is quite a shame for a girl who considers herself to be a writer.

You take the words out of my mouth, the breath out of my chest, and the thoughts out of my head.

I'm scared.
I'm excited.
I'm hopeful.
Do you feel the same?

unreal.

Sickeningly slowly,
the edges of a cut
will begin to heal.

A soft pink scar
is all that's left
of what felt so real.

Days of rest,
hours of waiting
finally reveal

The mark of time
from getting over
what you made me feel.

lyrics provided by James Blunt.

"Did I disappoint you, or let you down?"

Well, did I? Why did you end what was between us so quickly?
And then once you asked for space, why wouldn't you let me go?!
Damn you, why can't you let me go. It keeps me hanging on, and my arms are getting tired of trying to hold you, my legs are tired from chasing after you.

"I am a dreamer, and when I wake. You can't break my spirits, it's my dreams you take."

I looked into my future and I saw you. Do you actually understand the depth of this? I saw YOU. Not where I would be or anything else about ME. I saw YOU.
But you walked away. You asked me to just forget it.

"I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow. I'm so.. I'm so.. I'm so hollow."

Yeah, I am. It's your damn fault.
Now i'm stuck with this song on repeat and trying to forget you again.
What's worse, the words and memories that keep tugging at me when I thought at last they were gone.

"You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals.
Love is blind and that I knew; my heart was blinded by you."

That's it, then- change. There was too much change in both of us and the world around us.
I was blinded, willingly, but I now cast that aside.
I can see, and I am looking past you.
It doesn't mean that I can see through the tears, but I can brush them away as I brush past you.

Goodbye, my lover.

For you.

You were so immersed
in your own insecurities
that you blinded yourself
to my heart and to me;
I had already given you the keys.

You were the one to cast me aside
and made me believe I wasn't good enough
I fell for your and your lies
I was a fool; I've become tough.

You thought I didn't need you
you didn't show me
the feeling behind the words-
I denied all we could be.

You were the one
who dragged me down
made me hurt
when you weren't around

You should still be here
but the timing was wrong
It could have been perfect
we knew it all along

You're every boy
who couldn't be a man
you didn't chase me
when I ran.

I'm the one
who's moved on
I'll find love
and you'll find
that I'm gone.

Stop the ride; I want to get off.

I've had enough. I'm done.

I hate the way you jerk me around and can't make up your mind.
I hate the way you don't call when you say you will.
I hate the fact that you take time to see other people, but not me.
I hate that you're able to get over everything so damn quickly while I'm left hurting.
I hate how I try to show you that I'm upset and you're not even phased by it.
I hate that you didn't figure shit out when you had the chance.
I hate how you make me feel like this is all my fault.
I hate that I keep running back to you just to find that I was a fool for chasing you.
I hate always having you on my mind.
I hate thinking this could work when you seem to know that it can't.
I hate how you're still thoughtful and caring when I'm upset with you.
I hate your issues with communication.
I hate it when you hesitate.
I hate that you don't seem to care about how I'm dealing with this.
I hate that you can be so nonchalant.
I hate that you figured everything out too late.
I hate that you didn't say anything when you had the chance.
I hate the way that everything is still fine in your life when it feels like I'm falling apart.
I hate that you don't understand how hard this is for me.
I hate how you can laugh it all off.
I hate the suggestion that we can still be close friends.
I hate how you said you still have feelings for me.
I hate hoping that we'll be together.

and you know what the worst part is?
I don't actually hate you at all.