circles

I feel like i'm going crazy.
I know I'm not
but what other way can I describe the feeling
that all these words in my head
can't seem to find a way out
and when they do
whoever reads or hears them
looks at me
like i'm going crazy?

My mind is out to get me.

There are moments- like this one- where the world gets quiet and I'm left with my thoughts.
But I don't like it much.
I'd rather have people around or play music or be sleeping or something... because my mind is out to get me.
Not in the "I'm crazy and have multiple personalities way".
In the "I think too much for my own good" way.

I shouldn't run from my own mental processes as much as I do
But I can't help it.
They lead me into dark places where I forget the answers and reasons that I had before.
They remind me of you and how much I loved being alone when I still thought you were mine.
Because when I was surrounded by quiet, I could remember you perfectly.

I still can.
it's just that now... I don't want to.

You'll think of me. Will you?

I'm angry. I'm so angry at you.
How can you do this to me? Drop me like i'm nothing? you lost interest. that's cool.
At least have the decency to tell me so that I can get on with my life.
Who do you think you are anyway?
You still occupy all my thoughts.
All the sad slow love songs.
I thought you were my soulmate.
Do you understand that? I thought you were my goddamn soulmate.
I was so stupid. So naive.
Thinking that I knew you after only two months.
Thinking that you felt for me what I felt for you.
Obviously, you don't.
You wouldn't be doing this if you felt this way for me.
I'm still holding on, waiting for you to tell me WHY.
I hate it. I hate this.

And right now, I hate you.

First Time

I turn my ears inside out
and let my thoughts run the other way
they spill and splash on the floor
creating puddles prettier than tears.

Everything that I thought we could be
everything that we were
is now swirling somewhere
besides in my mind.

I let it out; I let you go
now you can return the favor
and tell me why you grew so distant
in the first place.

Bracelets

Bracelets mean a lot to me.
Earrings and necklaces and rings all come and go; they're easy gifts to buy for any girl.
but the only bracelets I wear are ones that have been given to me by those close to me.
One from my mother.
One from my sister.
One from myself.
Two from very close friends (who are almost sisters anyway)

I make bracelets.
For people close to me.
My sister-friends.
for my sister.
for my mother.

I was going to make one for you.
I would pick out the colors that I thought would fit you and weave them together with swift fingers.
You could wear it, always. It wouldn't tear or break. You could tie it on your wrist; a symbol of my affections for you.

but now? I don't know if I could choose the right colors.
I can't decide if I want to make you one and hold on to it, "just in case".
Or if I want to make you one and hide it away.

I can't even figure out if you'd want it.

Dreams and Nightmares

Just when I clear my head
and I think I'm alright
you appear in my dreams
yet another night

You don't say much,
or anything at all
but it's more than enough
to make me fall

for you and your eyes
all over again
I wish you would tell me
why you've been

so distant and confusing
like you don't want me anymore?
And even though I don't want to be
you're the one i'm waiting for.

So if you won't come around
please release me
from haunting dreams of you
and what could be.

Realize

Finding my heart again
was easier to do
once i realized
it didn't belong to you.