What are we doing?

It escalated so quickly
we both said it
we both know it

but we let it happen
again and again
lost in the moment
lost in... you.

All anyone asks
is what does this mean?
I have no idea.
your thoughts?

Ah, your thoughts.
I wish I knew them.
but you won't speak your mind.
which is a shame

because you can weave words
to make the most beautiful tapestry
a lullaby without music
I love the way you speak.

But you're confused, now
I guess that was my doing
and you either can't string your thoughts together
or won't let me see them.

My thoughts?
I like this.
I like your body
every soft curve
the way your chest dips in under the base of your arm
the way you wrapped your hands around me, tangled in my hair
how it felt to have you rest your head on my chest and fall asleep
so vulnerable and trusting
in the moment
how you pressed against me
and how I never wanted you to stop
how every way I turned, I found you
I was surrounded
but
the night can't last forever
and you couldn't stay in my bed.

So I'm hoping that you won't be weird about it
to put it bluntly
because to be honest
I like this.

Discovering

For two years,
you've been by my side
you've shared in joy with me
and held me close and when I cried.

We've laughed at the world
and shared so many smiles
played in the pouring rain
and sat in the sun for a while.

We've explored the great outdoors
wandering through the wild together
after two long years, I know beyond a doubt
you'll be there, no matter the weather.

We started without definition
just a girl and a boy
that shared stories, kisses
and unspeakable joy

Yet the doubts that arose
and the uncertainty
and, yes, the blame
belonged to me

I saw you for who you were
and I knew the girl I was
didn't quite match
so I put us on pause

But now, two years later
seven hundred and thirty days
we've grown into a friendship
actually, let me rephrase

we've created a relationship
that you once told me felt
like your heart lifting up
which, honestly, made me melt.

Of all the words I could spin together
there are three you know to be true
simple in form, complex in meaning:
I love you.

as my best friend
who always knows what to say
or knows what will push my buttons
and says it anyway.

But recently
my mind has been invaded
by some unknown idea
my notion of you has faded.

my notion of you
as the boy who will be there for me
but never with me.
as the boy who would be my best man
but never the groom.

into something else.
into the man that I want to curl up next to.
the one I run to when I'm upset and have nowhere else to turn.

You do think I'm pretty
without any makeup on.
in my eyes I'm the ugly duckling
in yours, I'm the swan.

I know you better
that I've known anyone before
except that now I don't know
what to do with myself any more.

Do I hold my tongue
that want to express
the new confusing feelings
I can't repress?

because believe me,
I've tried
it's getting to the point
where I can't even hide

how much I love being near you
and having your arms encircle me
a warm, safe haven
an unspoken guarantee

that you'll always be there
to listen and to care
when I need you most;
when I lay myself bare.

So I ask myself
if I'm brave enough
to take the risk
do I prepare myself?
or start talking off the cuff?

Time will only tell
to translate my heart
and find the words to wonder
if you'll make a start
on wanting to never
be apart.

I can't act cool, collected
or nonchalant
when I bring this up
because all I know
is that you
are all I want.

fuck you.

Looking out at the empty cityscape
waiting for the fog to roll in
and surround me with a million pieces of mist
that caress my face
and make it feel like i'm crying
on the tops of buildings
warning to flying beings blink slowly;
tiny red dots scatter across the horizon
like drips of blood from a single prick
from the needle of a spinning wheel
to the tip of a finger
I'm the modern sleeping, sleep walking, sleep talking
sleeping beauty
with her life force being drained
from something as small
as the tip of a finger.
my middle finger.
held up
saying fuck the world.

because that is what you,
my spinning wheel of doom,
make me feel.

I was mistaken to guess you were prince charming
to ride in an save the day
you're the evil villain
that transforms to a dragon
who i'm supposed to slay?

who writes this stuff???
and don't you have better things to do with your time
than mess with my mind till I start to rhyme

about the flames you spewed
across my emotional stability
leaving blackened ruins
that threaten to crumble
at the sight of your face.

but I escape to the one stronghold left
that you can't burn down
and I sit safe in the concrete walls of my mind
that knew from the beginning
you were a terrible idea
The windows are broken, and the draft sucks the warmth from my bones
as I ride out the storm that now wracks my entire body

this is the time when the prince rides in
on his magnificent white horse
to save the damsel in distress
but I'm probably a better rider
and I don't like depending on others
or showing weakness.
but as the script goes
she looks up with a tear stained face
and says you've saved me. thank you.

the reality goes a little like this
she looks at you with the same tear stained face
and says you've broken me. fuck you.

those two little words that end it all.
spitting out of my mouth like venom
that i wish i could poison you with
just so you would know
the pain i felt
from that one prick in the finger.

you might have well stabbed me in the side.
not in the back
you're not the betraying kind
no, you stand beside me
until I'm of no use
then you wipe your trail clean
and leave me, bleeding on the floor

exposed and broken.
so yes, fuck you.
fuck you very much.

Still holding on

After everything that happened that night
you couldn't just leave me alone
you had to haunt my subconcious just one more time
well I have a message for you
fuck. off.

please stop tormenting me
I don't want to be able to see your face
and not touch you
to talk to you but not call you mine
and wake up alone.
always alone.

I'm not sure if I'll ever even see you again
so leave me alone.
stop appearing in my head
in my dreams
just when I think I'm okay
and I have a million other things to deal with.

I can't look at you and not feel sadness
even if the face I'm seeing
is only when I'm asleep.
Let me go.

Hanging by a moment

With you, it's always been just a moment.
just another time
that you wouldn't do anything
and then you try to tell me
to live in the moment.
to roll with it
and forget about it the next day

but since when have you been the one
to call all the shots?
you've been the one
to fuck this up from the beginning
so tell me
where does this leave me?

it literally leaves me alone on the dance floor
wondering where you've gone
and why you're such a coward.

I, dancer.

I, Dancer.
One who moves with the beat of the music
no, to the rhythm
my own rhythm
my internal rhythm
here.
in my chest
my personal metronome

the soft pound, background sound
to the motions
coming and going like the ocean
swirled with my emotions

watch me, the dancer
as I move my feet
as I shimmy, slide
and ride that beat
the thump thump thump
that makes you go "mmmm"
because there are no words
left for you to speak

So let me translate
that knot in your chest
and let me do
what I do best
tell your story
from my point of view.
I, dancer.
I'll tell you a story
of the music
of happiness
of the joy
felt when I can't help but move
as though holding still
would be the most ultimate form of blasphemy against the world

If you listen carefully
with your eyes
I'll tell you my secrets
my innermost desires
as I glide past you
or is there a language barrier here?
did you get tongue tied with your two left feet?
so don't step at all
just chill on the wall
and sway with the beat
follow what you feel
loosen up
and, as they say
dance like no one's watching

But that's not true.
everyone's watching.
all eyes are on you. on me.
I, dancer.
but the only thing I see
is darkness
because I've closed my eyes
and let myself flow
soft like the wind
that rustles the leaves
during the fall-
my favorite time of year
I mimic the brittle leaves
as they float and spin to the floor
where the earth is now carpeted
in orange and red and yellow
and i dance across the leaves
just to hear them crunch under my feet

but I bring myself back to the moment
where everyone is waiting
for me to extend an arm
or shake a hip
so i indulge them
with my way of dance
meant to intrigue, entice, and entrance

and I see your gaze
following me
while I tell my story
do you hear me?
not the story from my lips
but the one told with feet, hands, and hips
maybe my message is lost on you
because
I can't teach you how to understand
what I'm saying
when I say it with no words at all
I, Dancer.

All over again

I thought I was done
I thought we were over
I said that everything we had been or could be
was about to end.

But there you go
proving me wrong again
and it's the best kind of bittersweet
I've ever tasted.

I've missed you.
I've missed you so much.

I didn't see this coming
I still don't fully understand you
so you always keep me guessing
as I fall for you
all over again.