stupidity

I guess this is what graduate school is about.
realizing how little you know
and being surrounded by the best and the brightest

but all it feels like
is that i'm not living up to standards
that i'm actually not understanding what I should be
that i'm lacking in experience and learning
and that i'll fail.

I'm afraid that someone is going to look at me
with a dawning realization crossing their face
"you're not as smart as you should be, are you?"

not like anyone would be that cruel
except me. to myself.

I guess I should cut myself some slack...

but I want to do well
I want to succeed and discover new things

but right now all i feel capable of
is sleeping.
just letting time pass me by in an unconscious state
of unknowing
no one can call me stupid when i'm sleeping
well, at least I won't hear it.

Woman

I've never been good at being easy friends with other women
but I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by some of the most
amazing, beautiful, strong, and bright women I have ever met

only, now... I feel like the only woman in my vicinity
like those around me haven't given as much thought as to what it means to be "woman"
like they haven't struggled with gender identities and thoughts of self
keeping them up late at night
wondering if the next morning, they could truly call themselves "woman"

because I have.
"woman" was a title that I fought for
is a title that i've been fighting for since I was a girl

I believe it is a title of respect
of admiration
at something so complex and captivatingly mysterious
that is "women"

"woman" is something I call myself on days when my self confidence is highest
when I know I deserve such a powerful word to associate with
but I am still earning my stars
still earning each sharp angle of consonants, each soft curve of each vowel
just like true women are a combination of sharp wits and softly curved bodies

I am learning what it means to be my OWN woman
and I can't help feeling
that no one around me
is doing the same.

Love having you here

You call me your butterfly
but I might actually be a bird
based on the way that I nest.

You can see it in the way that I superimpose my love for plants
over my originally white box of a room
that turned into mochas with one dark purple splash

there are pictures of plants, fake plants, and plant stickers on my walls
they give me reprieve and sanity from dealing with the fast paced urban traffic

I keep all my cords nearly tucked away
to take emphasis off the electronics
but next to my bed
there are two phone chargers.
on my desk
there's the gloves you play with
and the hat you rarely wear but keep around just in case we take a late night walk

your jeans are crumpled on the floor next to mine
and i've had a few pairs of your boxers tucked in an extra drawer for a little while

i love having you around when you're not really here
that I can wear your shirt while you're not around
so it feels like you have your arms around me
and it always smells like your skin
a scent that I am now addicted to.

you actually like to cuddle.
you wake up extra early in the morning
just so you can have me in your arms a little longer
which makes my heart do a little tap dance inside my rib cage

I can't write poetry about you.
all the pretty words get stuck in my mind
and all that comes out is simple truths

I love you.
more than I'll really be able to say
because when it comes to words, I'm shy.
you can make me blush so easily
and i hope it stays that way.
I want to be your lady if you'll be my man
and that's how we'll always be known
I know that the rest of my life will be happy
if you're here.

All I want

All I ever wanted was to be the epicenter of global change earthquake waves
All I ever wanted was to be the face of a cause I'd be willing to die for
All I ever wanted was to be the voice of the trees; I am a daughter of the forest
All I ever wanted was to be reborn with each ocean wave that kisses each continent with the same salt water lips
All I ever wanted was to translate my passion into a language that the general public speaks

but now
all I want is you.

It's a constant pulsation between my temples
I'm hopelessly addicted and I don't even remember saying yes to the first hit

It was a night filled with flashing lights, heavy beats, and lots of glitter
and you literally appeared in front of me
I found you.
I wasn't even looking for you
I didn't even know I was looking

but now
all I want is you

I want you curled up next to me when I pull myself from my dreams
and let you taste the sweet surprise on my lips
at the fact that you actually exist

I want to speak my heartbeat rhythms into the lattice of microphones and see your face in the crowd

I want to be able to find the proper words to make you understand how much it means
that all I want
is
you.

Things that needed to be said

I want to be a woman.
I want to be strong, gentle, and graceful.
I want to treat everyone with kindness and respect
I want to be able to forgive those who wrong me
I want to be known as a hard worker
I want to find reasons to smile when I could easily keep a neutral face and blend in to the crowd

I am generally well liked
even generally well loved
I make a strong impression
but I refuse to quiet my personality
I need to get better at listening
but that's understandable because I've been working on becoming a better speaker
I am confident in my body and in my mind
I am calm and focused on my goals
I will change the world
and I should learn that I will always have self doubts
but that just means that I have room to improve
so as long as I continue interacting with the world
I will continue changing
and I will have things I dislike about myself
but there are so many things that I love.

I love my eyes and my strong calves
I love that I have curves
I love that I'm tall
I love that I love to read
I love that I have a nerdy sense of humor
I love that I am working on learning how to give everyone a true honest chance
I love that I haven't stopped chasing the dreams I've had since I was a little girl
I love that I love being challenged
I love that I won't ever stop pursuing something I want
I love myself.

Excess thoughts

I think I lost someone.
That's the only way to describe the aching that I can't get rid of
like I've left someone behind and forgotten them
and all i have is the residual trace of the impact they had on my life

maybe it's because the most influential people in my life
always
have
to leave
right after they appear

so I'm just waiting for the ones I have currently to disappear
like all the rest have

it's constant and pressing
fear of losing those I love
and fear of loving any more than I already do
because "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"
but it's assumed that love will come your way again
what if it doesn't?
what if you lost someone who was supposed to be woven into the thread of your life and make it more intricate than you could have imagined?

I realize that my identity is heavily based in those I surround myself with
so when they're gone
I'm at a loss for who to be

for someone who hasn't been abandoned that much
I have some pretty nasty abandonment issues.
I don't know where they came from but I want them to get out of my head

I can't remember when I started fearing the unknown
or when I lost track of who I am

I feel like I've been here before
this junction of different versions of myself
and I'm trying to recreate who I want to be
but I'm not sure exactly who that is yet.
I guess I'll just have to take a leap of faith
and hope that I can catch myself.

With you

I want to hold hands with you like my fingers aren't afraid of commitment.
Like they're okay with being intwined with yours
like i'm just threading the loom that i've already had set up
waiting to weave new memories into it

I want to wake up tangled in your bedsheets
with blurry eyes and hair sticking out at science fiction angles
and trace the patterns of the veins underneath your skin
blue highways that race to the speed limit of your heartbeat

I want to decorate a house with you
hang up paintings, windows to other worlds
I'd put a Monet at the foot of the bed
because you know how much I love him.

I want to travel with you
Watch the northern lights
see the sky split apart into illuminated strands of silk
that twist above our heads
like old souls dancing together have finally been reunited

I want to have a garden with you
watch tiny seedlings poke their inquisitive tips into the sunshine
as they find that everything they need
is instructed within their tiny shell
throw down roots into the dewdrop soaked soil
and we could just sit there quietly
watching things grow.

I want my blonde hair to turn white
and have you still look at me the same way.
let the laugh lines curve my face like riverbeds
indications of all the lifetimes I've lived in the years i've been given

I want to hold hands with you
until our skin starts to thin and sag
we'll leave our youth behind but we'll say goodbye like old friends
who know that we'll be reunited
the world around us will change so much
but I want to always know how it feels
to have my palm pressed against yours.