fear is a four letter word

You want to know why I'm scared.

I can't tell you.

but I have three reasons to be.
and maybe they'll help you understand.

One.
The first. my first. first real boyfriend, first time being a couple, first time staying up late because for the first time, reliving memories was better than dreaming.
He was my best friend turned lover. A sweet 16 relationship- because I was 16 and he was sweet.
Sweet in the way he said my name, how he would reach for my hand, how his lips tasted when they met mine the first time, how his breath felt on my temple when he first whispered
"I love you."

First one to break my heart. First one to lie to me.
First one to tell me that he didn't love me anymore.
No warning signs, no reasons, no explanation.
He was the first to deceive me and leave me.

Two.
He was comfort. I fell in love with his skin- all of it. How it smelled soft. I would lay next to him for hours, wishing that my fingers could remember every smooth inch of skin that exuded heat and desire. Tracing his outline into my bedsheets night after night. learning him, learning his touch, learning how to feel my own sparks of pleasure.

Wanting to give myself to him, to let himself in to the heat at the base of my being, letting him become the key to my locked secrets
but knowing that I couldn't. and trusting that he wouldn't ask.
But, he did. Knowing full well that he didn't love me, he became a person I never thought he would be.
and so trust was broken by his desire, his lust.

Three.
He was the tarzan to my jane. The jungle man of a foreign country to my city-raised but nature loving self. He was the unexpected, the improbable, the unknown. The potential for the rest of my life.
The one that I wanted the most, even though we were separated by an ocean
I was willing to cross every kind of treacherous terrain to get back to his arms.
and he walked the same electrified tightrope I was already on, with no safety nets to accompany our balancing act. trying to get to him.
teetering between sanity and taking a chance on someone who sent lightning bolts up my spine whenever he even said my name.
I was never so sure of anything until I knew we would be together. knew that he was the closest thing I would ever find to a soul mate.

Until he walked away. decided he didn't have the poise to stay balanced with me.
decided that I wasn't worth the effort.
and that another girl would be an acceptable replacement.

three reasons why I'm terrified of love.
irony is, I've never actually been in love.
I'm beginning to think that I'm just good at being deceived.
So my guards are up, my trust is broken,
and my potential with you makes me want to run away
because I've learned
that if you say you love me
you might take it back
if you say you can wait
you might change your mind
and if I think you're my soul mate
you might find someone else.

I don't expect you to fix me or help me through this
but maybe this will help you understand
that I don't want you to become a fourth reason
for my irrational fear
of four letters