If only

You sent me a picture of a fire truck because you know I appreciate your strange obsession with them.
I said that it looked quite majestic, but I acknowledged the fact that you're a bit "special".
you said, isn't that what makes me loveable?

If only you knew how right you were, and how special you really were to me.
I say were, not are
because I haven't seen you in over two months.
and I'm not sure if you had a terrible accident, or your phone broke, or you were kidnapped
but you hit the light switch on your way out of my life
you left me in the dark.

If only you knew just how loveable that your quirks make you
and how willing I was to let you know that
to say all the words that usually get stuck in my throat until I cough them out
like I'm allergic to the truth.

If only you knew that whenever my phone lights up with your name
it feels like there are little lightning bugs crawling on my skin
just for a moment, and then they're gone.
Just like you.

You came into my life in a full on surprise attack
swept me off my feet entirely
but I guess your arms got tired, because you dropped me so fast.

I remember when we stayed up to watch the sun rise
and start reaching fingers of morning light through the cracks in my blinds
and I curled up against your chest out of sheer exhaustion
I remember how it felt to fall asleep to the lullaby of your heartbeat.
I woke up, only to think that I was still dreaming
because you seemed too good to be a reality.
I remember how you sang to me in Italian
a sweet love song that I didn't understand
about how you would love to speak only with me
but I didn't know then what I know now
you weren't singing to me, just to an unknown audience

So what exactly did I mean to you?
but I don't need your english to italian dictionary to understand
that I was never your amante
even though you called me cara mia, your darling

So when I tell you that you're special
and you ask me if that's what makes you loveable
the answer is yes.
It's always been yes.

but I don't think you'll ever understand
so I'll just pretend like I was speaking in sarcasm
because you never really knew how to feel the emotions in my words
in the first place.