I don't give a fuck.

Well, this is great.
Just fuckin awesome.
I don't want to fall in love, I don't want happily ever after.
I just want some stability and a lack of general bullshit. Is that really too much to ask for?
Especially from you, of all people.
I thought I could expect you to look me in the eye, or even act like we were friends.
Not like I didn't exist. Or like you didn't want to see me. Or like we weren't just together for, oh, I dunno, 4 months?
You're just gonna pretend like I'm nothing?
That's fuckin fine.
I don't care.
Obviously, right?
I'm hoping that if I keep saying it that it'll finally come true.
It's over. Don't waste your time.
what. the. fuck. ever.

I'm ranting now. That's fine.
You're driving me up the fucking wall.
I miss your presence in my life. Is that such a bad thing?
Well I'm not okay with pretending like the last 4 months didn't happen.
Whatever happened in the end, that doesn't change the fact that you became one of my best friends. I told you everything. You told me damn near everything.

And now we're going to act like i'm the crazy ex girlfriend.
GREAT.
I'm not fuckin crazy. I'm the most stable girl I know, for goodness sake. I just want to have a friendship. You know, like we agreed to when things ended?

I don't have feelings for you, and I'm not just saying that.
I heard what the world was trying to tell me.
I got it. It took a while to get my attention, but I got it.

I realize who I want to have in my life, and who I don't.
You're one of the people I want to keep around.
So you're going to have to fight a lot harder to lose me.
Not like this doesn't hurt.
I'll just keep saying I don't give a fuck in hopes that I finally won't.

State of mind: altered.

It took two nights out with my girls, but I did it.
I'm over it.
I'm not affected by it.
My hands still remember the feel of your skin, yes... but I no longer feel like I belong to you.
My heart is my own and mine to give to whomever I wish.

I care about you, don't get me wrong.
But I'm going to find what makes ME happy.
I hope you find something or someone that makes you just as happy as I am right now.
I hope that you're dealing with this as well as I am, because I just wanna be friends with you again.

Even being under the influence doesn't affect me when it comes to you.
I'm not upset, not angry, not missing you. I guess this means I'm moving on.
Not to hurt you. Never to hurt you.
Just to help myself heal.

Things will work themselves out.

River Flows in You

I write until my fingers hurt.
I cry until no more tears will come.
I speak until my mouth is dry.
I hold myself together until I fall apart.

This emptiness, this blankness, this vast bleak space that eats away at me keeps appearing.
I don't know why. I don't know when.
I just... hurt.

I miss you so much.
Here come the tears.
I was doing so well at holding them back... but your memory surprises me.
I keep listening to that song.
the one that starts out so beautiful, so entrancing. so melodic. so touching.
so captivating.
so undescribable.
so full of hope and joy. of stories and of wonder.
of complicated melodies woven together.
now whenever i hear it, I think of you.
it describes us perfectly- there are no words.

There is no way for me to say how I feel. how I felt.
I keep trying to put it together, and I just can't.
but listenting to it breaks my heart a little more every time.
I feel like the room is spinning and I can't hold myself down.
I want you to be here, to be my anchor.

The song changes... it sounds sad now. The pace slows, and becomes thoughtful. Still just as beautiful... and suddenly, it ends. With a few last, sad, bitter notes, it ends.

Back and Forth

I'm okay, then I'm not.
I'm happy with things, then I'm upset.
I'm doing alright, then I'm falling apart at the seams.
I'm not thinking about you at all, then I miss you so much it hurts.
I'm healing, then I'm wondering if I made the right choice.
I'm moving on, then I think about how things were for so long.

I'm tired of flipping back and forth.
I want to be one of the other; not both.
Make it stop. Please.

Wishing Well

I wish I could see you again.
I wish I could hear your voice, low and calming.
I wish I was yours.
I wish I woke up next to you today.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I could tell you all of this.
I wish you knew what I'm feeling.
I wish I didn't have to pretend I'm okay.
I wish I could forget.
I wish that I'll always remember exactly how you were.
I wish you would take it back.
I wish you could take it back.
I wish I didn't want this still.

I wish I could make all these wishes come true.

Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.

Can't or won't? I'm not sure.

Something about actually seeing that you're "single" cuts me deeper than I thought it would have.
Something about seeing all my friends in official relationships stings more than it should.
Listening to these songs over and over can't be good for me.
I really should sleep. Or stop thinking. Or both.
Both of those are hard to do when I miss you so much.