New beginnings

You make me so happy.
I always want to be curled up next to you.
I've run out of reason to be upset- you're there to calm me down every time I run to your arms.
You don't realize what you mean to me, do you?
I don't think you do. Not quite yet.

When you hold me, what are you thinking?
Am I just another girl to you? Because I'm not. I'm much, much different from the other girls you've known.
I have an attitude, that much you know already.
Underneath that, though... I have a soft side that I show to very few.
At the end of the day, I come visit you. Not anyone else. You. The last thing I do is see you. That means something.

I overanalyze everything... and I don't like it.
Everything you say- I have it stored away in the back of my mind.
Whenever you talk, I listen. I never knew I wanted to know so much about anyone until I lied in your arms and your soft murmurs lulled me to sleep.

I still don't really know how this all happened.
It feels like I woke up a month later- "oh, that was such a lovely dream. Too bad it's not real." And continue on with life.
Except you want to see me. You want to hold me. You want to kiss me.
Even when I can't kiss you, I crave your presence. Do you know this?
I've said it a few times, but I'll say it again now- I miss you.
Do you know that when you said that to me the first time, I felt my heart literally jump?
The reason I don't say anything when you tell me these things is that I can't think of anything intelligent to say- which is quite a shame for a girl who considers herself to be a writer.

You take the words out of my mouth, the breath out of my chest, and the thoughts out of my head.

I'm scared.
I'm excited.
I'm hopeful.
Do you feel the same?

unreal.

Sickeningly slowly,
the edges of a cut
will begin to heal.

A soft pink scar
is all that's left
of what felt so real.

Days of rest,
hours of waiting
finally reveal

The mark of time
from getting over
what you made me feel.

lyrics provided by James Blunt.

"Did I disappoint you, or let you down?"

Well, did I? Why did you end what was between us so quickly?
And then once you asked for space, why wouldn't you let me go?!
Damn you, why can't you let me go. It keeps me hanging on, and my arms are getting tired of trying to hold you, my legs are tired from chasing after you.

"I am a dreamer, and when I wake. You can't break my spirits, it's my dreams you take."

I looked into my future and I saw you. Do you actually understand the depth of this? I saw YOU. Not where I would be or anything else about ME. I saw YOU.
But you walked away. You asked me to just forget it.

"I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow. I'm so.. I'm so.. I'm so hollow."

Yeah, I am. It's your damn fault.
Now i'm stuck with this song on repeat and trying to forget you again.
What's worse, the words and memories that keep tugging at me when I thought at last they were gone.

"You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals.
Love is blind and that I knew; my heart was blinded by you."

That's it, then- change. There was too much change in both of us and the world around us.
I was blinded, willingly, but I now cast that aside.
I can see, and I am looking past you.
It doesn't mean that I can see through the tears, but I can brush them away as I brush past you.

Goodbye, my lover.

For you.

You were so immersed
in your own insecurities
that you blinded yourself
to my heart and to me;
I had already given you the keys.

You were the one to cast me aside
and made me believe I wasn't good enough
I fell for your and your lies
I was a fool; I've become tough.

You thought I didn't need you
you didn't show me
the feeling behind the words-
I denied all we could be.

You were the one
who dragged me down
made me hurt
when you weren't around

You should still be here
but the timing was wrong
It could have been perfect
we knew it all along

You're every boy
who couldn't be a man
you didn't chase me
when I ran.

I'm the one
who's moved on
I'll find love
and you'll find
that I'm gone.

Stop the ride; I want to get off.

I've had enough. I'm done.

I hate the way you jerk me around and can't make up your mind.
I hate the way you don't call when you say you will.
I hate the fact that you take time to see other people, but not me.
I hate that you're able to get over everything so damn quickly while I'm left hurting.
I hate how I try to show you that I'm upset and you're not even phased by it.
I hate that you didn't figure shit out when you had the chance.
I hate how you make me feel like this is all my fault.
I hate that I keep running back to you just to find that I was a fool for chasing you.
I hate always having you on my mind.
I hate thinking this could work when you seem to know that it can't.
I hate how you're still thoughtful and caring when I'm upset with you.
I hate your issues with communication.
I hate it when you hesitate.
I hate that you don't seem to care about how I'm dealing with this.
I hate that you can be so nonchalant.
I hate that you figured everything out too late.
I hate that you didn't say anything when you had the chance.
I hate the way that everything is still fine in your life when it feels like I'm falling apart.
I hate that you don't understand how hard this is for me.
I hate how you can laugh it all off.
I hate the suggestion that we can still be close friends.
I hate how you said you still have feelings for me.
I hate hoping that we'll be together.

and you know what the worst part is?
I don't actually hate you at all.

Anger and magnetic relationships

I hate you SO much right now! Okay, I don't hate you, but still.
I'm SO MAD AT YOU! Why can't you just leave me alone?
It's not my fault that I can't stay away from you! You pull me in; we're the two opposites of the same magnet. We're attracted to each other until we get too close, then we start to repel. Can't we just maintain a healthy distance?!

You've put me through so much and I just want it to end. I want it to be over! Just let me get over you already, dammit!
Time is our enemy, he won't let us realize anything until it's already too late

"It's all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out, and now I can't turn back."
You showed me the possibility of a future together. You showed me something I'd never seen before, and when I fell I fell hard.

I'm going to come out and say it- I thought I could fall in love with you. I still think, maybe even know, that I could. But too many things keep getting in the way.
Timing, family, friends, our own stubborness, our feelings, the way we protect our hearts.

I'm too stubborn to let you go and yet I just want it to be over. Confused? check yes.

You make me so angry. It's very very rare that I actually get angry over anything. I'm angry at you, I'm angry with you, I'm angry at the whole damn situation! I don't want to take it all back and lose our memories, but I don't want to be here either!

Even as I write this I can feel my anger fading. I can never stay upset with you for long.
If I said these things to you, you would either be hurt or get angry with me in return.
If I hurt you, I would apologize and you would understand that what I'm saying is true but I'm only saying it because I'm angry and hurt already.
If you got angry in return, we would crash heads and then soften like we always do.

We always come back to wanting to be near each other.
I always come back to you once the anger and pain subsides. That tells you something- duh.
I know it's not fair to me or you to be in this situation, but maybe the two of us are supposed to struggle through this until we succumb to our magnetic selves.
We will either repel each other away and not come together again, or...
We will learn to keep the repelling sides of ourselves away from each other so that the pull towards the other is strengthened.

I'm know I was supposed to get over you, and I kinda did. For a little while anyway.
But I miss you. I'm sorry.

I was fine...

I had so much hope for you. For us.
You just had to take it away, didn't you? You just had to go and ruin everything.

I was fine, you know. I enjoyed riding on our somewhat dysfunctional roller coaster, and I wanted to take a chance on the unknown for once in my life. You were the reason, even though sometimes it made me hate you. I got jealous at little things you would say, but a simple smile from you could light up my day. Wow, I'm rhyming without even meaning to. You do that.
Sometimes I wish I'd never met you so that I'd never have to go through this or deal with it. Then, I'll remember all the memories we've created and (even right now) it makes me smile.

I was fine, you know. I was getting over you and the possibility of ever having an us, I even made a playlist of breakup songs that would help. I leaned on my friends who knew what I was going through, and they helped me be strong. It took me a few days, and I'd changed from thinking about you all the time to acknowledging the thought in passing. I was healing, after so many months of confusion that you caused. But then something came along that I didn't see.

I was fine, you know. Until I saw that stupid update. "What do I do when I realize that you're no longer there?" Are you talking about me, or something else? Were we wrong to crush our hopes so quickly without thinking about how much it would hurt? I want to see you, too. But is it the right thing to do? Should we stick with the original plan and suffer through this alone or is this going to bring us closer together? You can tell I'm still hopeful for us- you made me that way. I thought I'd gotten over it, but apparently not.

I was fine, you know. Then you came into my life. You waltzed right in and messed with my head so that I didn't know which way was up, but I was happy in a world without gravity. I could be so high on top of the world and then plummet so low- you did that too, but without meaning to. I really thought I could fall for you, but other times I wanted nothing to do with you. I've tried to give you up before, and that's obviously worked. Not.

I was fine, you know. I was living life how I wanted to, and then you opened the door to so many other possibilities. Suddenly, "fine" just wasn't good enough. I wanted to be more than fine. I wanted you. You did that too.

I'm not fine. Not yet.