I was fine...

I had so much hope for you. For us.
You just had to take it away, didn't you? You just had to go and ruin everything.

I was fine, you know. I enjoyed riding on our somewhat dysfunctional roller coaster, and I wanted to take a chance on the unknown for once in my life. You were the reason, even though sometimes it made me hate you. I got jealous at little things you would say, but a simple smile from you could light up my day. Wow, I'm rhyming without even meaning to. You do that.
Sometimes I wish I'd never met you so that I'd never have to go through this or deal with it. Then, I'll remember all the memories we've created and (even right now) it makes me smile.

I was fine, you know. I was getting over you and the possibility of ever having an us, I even made a playlist of breakup songs that would help. I leaned on my friends who knew what I was going through, and they helped me be strong. It took me a few days, and I'd changed from thinking about you all the time to acknowledging the thought in passing. I was healing, after so many months of confusion that you caused. But then something came along that I didn't see.

I was fine, you know. Until I saw that stupid update. "What do I do when I realize that you're no longer there?" Are you talking about me, or something else? Were we wrong to crush our hopes so quickly without thinking about how much it would hurt? I want to see you, too. But is it the right thing to do? Should we stick with the original plan and suffer through this alone or is this going to bring us closer together? You can tell I'm still hopeful for us- you made me that way. I thought I'd gotten over it, but apparently not.

I was fine, you know. Then you came into my life. You waltzed right in and messed with my head so that I didn't know which way was up, but I was happy in a world without gravity. I could be so high on top of the world and then plummet so low- you did that too, but without meaning to. I really thought I could fall for you, but other times I wanted nothing to do with you. I've tried to give you up before, and that's obviously worked. Not.

I was fine, you know. I was living life how I wanted to, and then you opened the door to so many other possibilities. Suddenly, "fine" just wasn't good enough. I wanted to be more than fine. I wanted you. You did that too.

I'm not fine. Not yet.