Hey Jade

You've mesmerized me
captured me, confused me
with your bright blue eyes
you don't know what you're doing to me.

I stumbled upon the thought
and it only took a day
for me to become
fully and completely swept away.

I feel a constriction
somewhere in my chest
knowing you exist
and fate must care for the rest

The world is unfair to decide
that I can't be with you
and that you can't and don't know this
yet these words still ring true.

I ache and pain to cross the ocean
and run into your arms
a place I have never yet called home
you've given me no promises
but captured me with your charms.

I ask myself, repeatedly
how I know this, without question
that I desire your presence
but yet is something I daren't mention.

You may never know what you've done
and this, perhaps, is the biggest wrong of all
I wish I could tell you
How I have fallen, and continue to fall.

For now, you'll reside in the back of my mind
possibly appearing in my dreams;
a memory in my life
from when things began to split at the seams.

I hope you remember me
in what way, I'm not sure
I'll remember you exactly,
perfectly, as you were.

Stating the obvious

Being "together"
is very different from being apart.

Because when we're apart
I'm not with you anymore.

And when I'm not with you
I wish that I was.

Some things just don't change.

There are some things that I wish I could say, but the truthful words will always remain behind my lips.
There are some things that I wish I could do, but I keep my arms at my sides to prevent them from reaching for you.
There are some things that I wish I could stop thinking about, but my mind always returns to you.

I want your arms around me.
I want your voice in my ear.
I want to stop hurting.
I want you back. So badly.
And I didn't know that I'd feel this way until you walked out and said "this isn't goodbye."
But it was.

I said goodbye to you. My best friend. My lover. Part of my world.
And now... Now I can't let you go.
I want to stop crying and stop hiding my emotions behind facades of smiles.

I hate trying at something I know won't work... But I want to be with you so badly and I can't help it.

I realized that I was falling for you too hard to turn back. I don't know when or how or why it happened, but I knew that it was. Did I forget to tell you how much you meant to me? How much you mean to me?
I'm so confused and lost when it comes to you.
I feel broken.
I am broken.

I can't take my mind off of you.
I can see you and be completely fine.
Then, I'll sit in my room for a few minutes and everything will come rushing back.
I need change. I need something to be different.

I need to move on.
But I still don't know how.

Home.

Home is where the heart is.
My home is with my family.
My home is with my three best friends.
My home is with Sarah.
My home is in my apartment, with my roommates.

I had a fifth home.
He was my home.
When I was with him, I was home.
I was safe. I was comfortable.
I didn't have to wear make up or sound intelligent.
I was home.

And now... a fifth of my heart, a fifth of my home... it's missing.
Gone. Just like that.
I don't know what to do with this missing piece.
Do I find another piece that will fit, or do I let the other pieces expand?
Do I look for another home, or do I close the door on it until a different door in my heart opens?

There's no way to describe how this affects me. I keep trying, but the words just don't come out right.
Everything is mixed up. I'm so confused and lost at heart.
I don't know where I'm supposed to go.
So I'm stuck here. Missing you.
I thought I would be better now, but I still miss you.

I keep dreaming about you. You ask for me back, but only if i can accomplish some impossible task.
I can't do what you're asking me to. I can't have you back.
There's a hole inside me, somewhere. I'm trying to fill it with anything I can find, but nothing fits.
You took a piece of me, and you broke it.
You said you wanted to still be friends. Was that a lie?
I haven't seen you in weeks.

I heard you laugh for the first time in weeks the other day and it reduced me to tears.
To say I miss you is never saying enough.
I miss your touch, your face, your smile, your arms around me so secure and warm. Your sleepy gaze that you would cast in my direction as you would pull me close to you.

You pulled me in and didn't let me go. You're walking away unscathed; no remaining feelings to haunt you at night.
I thought I could walk away, but you keep pulling me in harder and harder each time.
You made me fall for you harder than I ever wanted to.
It's all your fault, but I don't blame you at all.

I just want to go home.
But now, I'm not sure where that is.

I don't give a fuck.

Well, this is great.
Just fuckin awesome.
I don't want to fall in love, I don't want happily ever after.
I just want some stability and a lack of general bullshit. Is that really too much to ask for?
Especially from you, of all people.
I thought I could expect you to look me in the eye, or even act like we were friends.
Not like I didn't exist. Or like you didn't want to see me. Or like we weren't just together for, oh, I dunno, 4 months?
You're just gonna pretend like I'm nothing?
That's fuckin fine.
I don't care.
Obviously, right?
I'm hoping that if I keep saying it that it'll finally come true.
It's over. Don't waste your time.
what. the. fuck. ever.

I'm ranting now. That's fine.
You're driving me up the fucking wall.
I miss your presence in my life. Is that such a bad thing?
Well I'm not okay with pretending like the last 4 months didn't happen.
Whatever happened in the end, that doesn't change the fact that you became one of my best friends. I told you everything. You told me damn near everything.

And now we're going to act like i'm the crazy ex girlfriend.
GREAT.
I'm not fuckin crazy. I'm the most stable girl I know, for goodness sake. I just want to have a friendship. You know, like we agreed to when things ended?

I don't have feelings for you, and I'm not just saying that.
I heard what the world was trying to tell me.
I got it. It took a while to get my attention, but I got it.

I realize who I want to have in my life, and who I don't.
You're one of the people I want to keep around.
So you're going to have to fight a lot harder to lose me.
Not like this doesn't hurt.
I'll just keep saying I don't give a fuck in hopes that I finally won't.

State of mind: altered.

It took two nights out with my girls, but I did it.
I'm over it.
I'm not affected by it.
My hands still remember the feel of your skin, yes... but I no longer feel like I belong to you.
My heart is my own and mine to give to whomever I wish.

I care about you, don't get me wrong.
But I'm going to find what makes ME happy.
I hope you find something or someone that makes you just as happy as I am right now.
I hope that you're dealing with this as well as I am, because I just wanna be friends with you again.

Even being under the influence doesn't affect me when it comes to you.
I'm not upset, not angry, not missing you. I guess this means I'm moving on.
Not to hurt you. Never to hurt you.
Just to help myself heal.

Things will work themselves out.

River Flows in You

I write until my fingers hurt.
I cry until no more tears will come.
I speak until my mouth is dry.
I hold myself together until I fall apart.

This emptiness, this blankness, this vast bleak space that eats away at me keeps appearing.
I don't know why. I don't know when.
I just... hurt.

I miss you so much.
Here come the tears.
I was doing so well at holding them back... but your memory surprises me.
I keep listening to that song.
the one that starts out so beautiful, so entrancing. so melodic. so touching.
so captivating.
so undescribable.
so full of hope and joy. of stories and of wonder.
of complicated melodies woven together.
now whenever i hear it, I think of you.
it describes us perfectly- there are no words.

There is no way for me to say how I feel. how I felt.
I keep trying to put it together, and I just can't.
but listenting to it breaks my heart a little more every time.
I feel like the room is spinning and I can't hold myself down.
I want you to be here, to be my anchor.

The song changes... it sounds sad now. The pace slows, and becomes thoughtful. Still just as beautiful... and suddenly, it ends. With a few last, sad, bitter notes, it ends.