Just the truth

I don't like it when you walk away.
I get ancy
I pace back and forth
like i've lost something.

I've always understood that time is irrelevant
but with you, that thought is bittersweet.
because whenever you leave, you leave too early
and yet the basis for knowing each other is based on such short time.

I've looked out at the world before
and I didn't like what I saw
but when I was curled up next to you
the view changed.
Gone were the negative thoughts
the distrust of humanity
and i just saw things how they were
not how I wanted them to be.

that being said
I know what I want.
I want to be with you
to slide in bed
and share body heat and stories
until the sun rises
and then let sleep caress me away
while i'm safe in your arms.

But just for the sake of contradiction
I don't know what I want.
I'm very independent
and I don't even like to rely on others
I have goals, motivation, drive, whatever you want to call it
and I'm not willing to let anything get in the way of that

but
If I don't take the risk
I know beyond a doubt that I'll regret it
and this level of trust should scare me
but it doesn't.

I used to be able to look to the future
and see what would be or what could be.
but now it's all fuzzy and blurred
up in the air for grabs
as I suppose it's always been
and I was only seeing what I wanted to have in my future
but I guess this means that now
Now, I don't know what I will want.

But right now, I know that I want to be with you.
and I don't like it when you leave.

Speechless

I am a poet.
Or I like to think I am.
I can pull words together
like a jewelers
and string them along, like diamonds
to be cast in the sky
as a new constellation
that lovers across the world will see
and say
look!
the heavens themselves have recognized our love!

I am a chef of letters
with frying pans and baking sheets and pots of random concoctions
all thrown together with a little heat
some spicy,
meant to induce a little pain along with the pleasure
of swallowing my ideas.
others smooth
soft swishing sounds that say it's all the same
the you swirl around for a bit
to fully satisfy your sweet tooth.

I'll shape the way you make me feel
out of verbal clay
thrown down, again and again
squishy, unformed and useless
but with practiced hands
patience, and an imagination that always keeps me entertained
I'll keep
spinning it and molding it
until you've been compared
to Romeo, Lancelot, Mr. Darcy
the Prince albert to my Queen Victoria.

but no, I am this generation's spoken Pablo Picasso.
Actually- more like Van Gogh
swirling colors of sounds on my personal palette
just to throw them across a canvas of eardrums
so that the reverberations
and the pounding of my own nervous heart
are combined
with a symphony of crickets
and that noise with no name
of the wind going shhhh over the grass
the moon's laughter
and the city's tired sigh
into my own starry night

and then next day
in the sun's light
I am a gardener extraordinare
growing rhymes and ideas
in the warm sunshine
supporting them with a nurturing hand
and tediously combing through their ranks
for unwanted weeds
that have the tendency
to make my flowers choke

I am a poet.
but whenever I see you
all I can say
as my brain going a thousand miles a minute
is
"hey."

In my eyes

Do you know my favorite thing
To do upon waking?
While my eyes are still sleepy
And dawn is breaking?

When I’m still safe in my nest
Of blankets, so warm
Is to let my vision alight
Upon your vulnerable form

Sleeping quietly, in my bed
I softly shift next to
The slow rhythmic breathing
And scent that is you

My favorite thing to do
When I wake
Is see your eyes see me
It’s not just my breath
But my words you take.

To see you see me
With our heads on the same pillow
Ignoring the noise
And bustle below

Yet

I can’t tell
Or maybe can’t find
The thoughts behind the blue eyes
You won’t speak your mind

I reminisce on the night
That came before this morning
Filled with passion, desire
And also- a warning.

From those gentle hands
That held my cheek
And the soft kisses
That I know it’s cliché
Made me weak.



I’m usually so firm
So steadfast, so strong
Yet in all the joy of us
Something is wrong.

You asked me, quietly
As though saying it loud
Might scare me away
Or push me off my cloud

And I?
I couldn’t respond
Save for a blank stare
That I prefer to save
For when I don’t care

But the sounds of the words
I wished I could say
Got caught in my throat
And there I lay

Exposed in your arms
Unsure of what to do
When you hesitatingly asked me
To make love to you

Now, my unexpected innocence
May show through
But how can I comply
When you won’t speak
“I love you”?

The deal is this:
I give my first time away
You enjoy the benefits
And that’s supposed to be okay?

Making love should involve
Actually being in love
With the person that
You’ve barely dared to dream of

Actions without emotions
Is like not feeling hunger, but eating
So please excuse the drumroll
That’s just my heart beating

As I decide
That I’m not your dessert.
So I bite my lip
And fuss with my shirt

My voice might tremble
Because I can’t be nonchalant
When I tell you
I can’t give myself to you
The way you want

I used to wait for
You to see me
But now I don’t look
At the days that used to be

Now, my favorite thing to do
When I arise from sleeping
While everything is still cozy
In my bed’s safekeeping

Is realize how
I’ve become wise
and over time
Learning to prize
The beautiful gift
Between my thighs
And I see myself
Through my own eyes.

Flying

I can't believe it
you're mine.
you've enveloped me in the protective circle of your arms
and I just lay here
as we exchange body heat and sweet nothings
little butterflies that leave your lips
land on my ear and flutter their way down
somewhere below the source
of the rhythm
that joins yours in a drumline
and they tickle their wings against my skin
making my cheeks turn pink
like the sky just before the sun peeks over the edge of the world.
the sun...
the sunrise?
hitting my eyes
and it was
just a dream.

I'm home. in my bed.
I'm wrapped in a cocoon of blankets
but my head is still wrapped up in you
my body warmth reciprocated only by
the soft feathers around me.
So I drag myself from my nest
and try to forget
the way my mind told me
that your hands feel

And I wander
through the rest of my day
with nothing nearly as exciting
as the moments that my subconscious provided
cars, bicycles, buses
crowds of people
books
teachers that drone on and on
and on.
but then
with my favorite bag in tow
leather strap cutting into my shoulder
I see you
underneath the eucalyptus trees.
the trees that remind me of younger days
of my grandmother's.
and the leaves crush under my feet,
with that usual punch you in the olfactory bulb scent
that is so faint
that it actually just kind of
tickles.
the way that the butterfly wings
are starting to do again
when you look at me that way.

when you look at me that way
I feel like you're pulling me out of my cocoon
where I've been hiding away from the world
unfurling my wings
and telling me that I can fly.
Me? fly?
I can barely put one foot in front of the other without falling down.
but I trust you, when you look at me that way.
So I tilt my head to the sky
and imitate the birds
I push away from the earth, from the world
and my whole heart starts to soar
skipping beats and skimming over clouds
when you look at me that way
I feel like I'm flying
among the stars
that taste minty fresh
and tingle across my feet
like tiny kisses from icicles.

When you look at me that way
you say what your words can never tell me
the eyes are the window to the soul
but yours are doors
to a different dimension
to a separate world
an alternate reality
where I can fly with you.

Your look shows me
promises unspoken.
and you reach for my hand
for MY hand.
and we walk slowly
with our fingers intwined
like the teeth of a zipper
I pinch myself, just to be sure-
but no, this time
I'm flying for real.

What are we doing?

It escalated so quickly
we both said it
we both know it

but we let it happen
again and again
lost in the moment
lost in... you.

All anyone asks
is what does this mean?
I have no idea.
your thoughts?

Ah, your thoughts.
I wish I knew them.
but you won't speak your mind.
which is a shame

because you can weave words
to make the most beautiful tapestry
a lullaby without music
I love the way you speak.

But you're confused, now
I guess that was my doing
and you either can't string your thoughts together
or won't let me see them.

My thoughts?
I like this.
I like your body
every soft curve
the way your chest dips in under the base of your arm
the way you wrapped your hands around me, tangled in my hair
how it felt to have you rest your head on my chest and fall asleep
so vulnerable and trusting
in the moment
how you pressed against me
and how I never wanted you to stop
how every way I turned, I found you
I was surrounded
but
the night can't last forever
and you couldn't stay in my bed.

So I'm hoping that you won't be weird about it
to put it bluntly
because to be honest
I like this.

Discovering

For two years,
you've been by my side
you've shared in joy with me
and held me close and when I cried.

We've laughed at the world
and shared so many smiles
played in the pouring rain
and sat in the sun for a while.

We've explored the great outdoors
wandering through the wild together
after two long years, I know beyond a doubt
you'll be there, no matter the weather.

We started without definition
just a girl and a boy
that shared stories, kisses
and unspeakable joy

Yet the doubts that arose
and the uncertainty
and, yes, the blame
belonged to me

I saw you for who you were
and I knew the girl I was
didn't quite match
so I put us on pause

But now, two years later
seven hundred and thirty days
we've grown into a friendship
actually, let me rephrase

we've created a relationship
that you once told me felt
like your heart lifting up
which, honestly, made me melt.

Of all the words I could spin together
there are three you know to be true
simple in form, complex in meaning:
I love you.

as my best friend
who always knows what to say
or knows what will push my buttons
and says it anyway.

But recently
my mind has been invaded
by some unknown idea
my notion of you has faded.

my notion of you
as the boy who will be there for me
but never with me.
as the boy who would be my best man
but never the groom.

into something else.
into the man that I want to curl up next to.
the one I run to when I'm upset and have nowhere else to turn.

You do think I'm pretty
without any makeup on.
in my eyes I'm the ugly duckling
in yours, I'm the swan.

I know you better
that I've known anyone before
except that now I don't know
what to do with myself any more.

Do I hold my tongue
that want to express
the new confusing feelings
I can't repress?

because believe me,
I've tried
it's getting to the point
where I can't even hide

how much I love being near you
and having your arms encircle me
a warm, safe haven
an unspoken guarantee

that you'll always be there
to listen and to care
when I need you most;
when I lay myself bare.

So I ask myself
if I'm brave enough
to take the risk
do I prepare myself?
or start talking off the cuff?

Time will only tell
to translate my heart
and find the words to wonder
if you'll make a start
on wanting to never
be apart.

I can't act cool, collected
or nonchalant
when I bring this up
because all I know
is that you
are all I want.

fuck you.

Looking out at the empty cityscape
waiting for the fog to roll in
and surround me with a million pieces of mist
that caress my face
and make it feel like i'm crying
on the tops of buildings
warning to flying beings blink slowly;
tiny red dots scatter across the horizon
like drips of blood from a single prick
from the needle of a spinning wheel
to the tip of a finger
I'm the modern sleeping, sleep walking, sleep talking
sleeping beauty
with her life force being drained
from something as small
as the tip of a finger.
my middle finger.
held up
saying fuck the world.

because that is what you,
my spinning wheel of doom,
make me feel.

I was mistaken to guess you were prince charming
to ride in an save the day
you're the evil villain
that transforms to a dragon
who i'm supposed to slay?

who writes this stuff???
and don't you have better things to do with your time
than mess with my mind till I start to rhyme

about the flames you spewed
across my emotional stability
leaving blackened ruins
that threaten to crumble
at the sight of your face.

but I escape to the one stronghold left
that you can't burn down
and I sit safe in the concrete walls of my mind
that knew from the beginning
you were a terrible idea
The windows are broken, and the draft sucks the warmth from my bones
as I ride out the storm that now wracks my entire body

this is the time when the prince rides in
on his magnificent white horse
to save the damsel in distress
but I'm probably a better rider
and I don't like depending on others
or showing weakness.
but as the script goes
she looks up with a tear stained face
and says you've saved me. thank you.

the reality goes a little like this
she looks at you with the same tear stained face
and says you've broken me. fuck you.

those two little words that end it all.
spitting out of my mouth like venom
that i wish i could poison you with
just so you would know
the pain i felt
from that one prick in the finger.

you might have well stabbed me in the side.
not in the back
you're not the betraying kind
no, you stand beside me
until I'm of no use
then you wipe your trail clean
and leave me, bleeding on the floor

exposed and broken.
so yes, fuck you.
fuck you very much.