Invisible

Shakespeare
Can suck it
All of those love sonnets and stories are so sappy
Always make me feel crappy
Cause there’s no Romeo
To my Juliet
Or maybe I’m Michael Buble
And I just haven’t met you yet

But that’s a lie, all my friends know
That there’s… this guy
He’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s handsome, he’s buff
He’s like a drug
And I can’t get enough

He’s the tall dark and handsome
That every girl swoons over
Creamy mocha skin and a smile
That reaches up to his electric blue eyes
That sparkle like there are two miniature stars on either side of his face
So that when he looks at me
I can only blush and look away
He’s like Beethoven, playing symphonies on my heartstrings
A sweet love song that I can’t find the words to sing
About the bruises and skinned knees I got when I fell for him


But whenever he walks by
In my head I’m poetic
But all that comes out is “hi.”
I’m this clumsy ball of nerves
Who laughs too loud at all your jokes
Even the ones that aren’t funny
When you smile at me, my legs turn to honey
And my girls say to just bee yourself
But I wish I was more like her.

The girl you pine over
The short, stick thin asian
With greek letters on her chest
Who always looks half dressed
Because she thinks leggings are pants
But that’s not the point
Of this love triangle

Because she’s taken and I’m not
But when it comes to love
I’m invisible
You see right through me
To gaze at her
Long sleek black hair
That I want to pull
Behind her ear
So she could hear me mention
How lucky she is to get your attention

I don’t understand it
Because that girl you drool over
Is the one I whipped past
On my way to the top
Of every class
Looking over my shoulder yelling SUCKAAAA
But you like her. Not me.

Mother ffffffff
Of mine, tell me I’m awesome and he just doesn’t see it
That he’s too busy watching Twig Legs
To notice who’s sitting next to him

My mom said go out, have fun, you’ll feel better and plenty of guys will ask you to dance!
Well… yeah… but they’re only trying to get in my pants

I’ve yet to find a decent guy
Whose best friend is Ed Hardy
Does the fist pump at every party
Arms look like miniature tanks
Pickup line is hey what’s your sign
Or shawty lemme buy you a drank
But you ain’t T-Pain
So No, thanks.

When all seems lost on my night out
I spot a nerdy wallflower
Who I’m sure would love to grab dinner and watch the Two Towers
So I saunter over with my best sexy hip swing walk
And I
Open my mouth to talk
But he
Cuts me off only to say
Sweetie you’re cute, but I’m gay.

So it’s back to square one
With my one square
Who prefers lines
Over curves.


I know I’m not the Kate
To your Leopold
So I’m resigned
To having lots of cats when I get old

But remember that while you’re chasing the girl of your dreams
My heart is tearing apart at the seams
And you can’t get why
She won’t give you a chance
She or even a second backward glance
When I could stare at you all day

Just know that when her rejection
Pushes you down, flat on the ground
I’d lie in the grass with you
And watch clouds go by
Until the sun was chased away
By the night sky
And we could gaze at all the little lights
That looks like fireflies
Who twinkle their wings
Like the ones that flutter in my stomach
Whenever you walk by

But I’m still an awkward caterpillar
And you prefer the slutterfly

So I’ll stay wrapped in my cocoon
Of shy glances and unspoken thoughts
Because I wish I could be what you want
But I’m just… not.

So I’ll stay hidden in the background
Emotionally camouflaged from you
But of all abilities I wished for as a kid
I never wanted to be
Invisible.

Long Distance

I could have been normal.
I could have blended in, looked just like
everybody else
Let myself mingle with the masses
and never be heard.

But I have this voice in my head
that tells me to write.

I could have gone out,
like another well behaved member of society
to follow the equation
that x amount of money spent
equals Y amount of happiness
lived the American dream, complete with white picket fence,
white husband, white kids, white walls that feel more like bars.

But then you appeared.
you, a filipino with skin the color of bronze honey
a smirk that makes my own face light up when I see it
you,
my greatest inspiration
my strongest muse
pushing me back towards the paper

you make it so that I can't breathe
can't move
can't speak

until I tell the world
how you make me shudder.
with pleasure.

How your voice, saying my name
makes me blush like a little girl
who was caught writing love notes
in the corner of a classroom

and I mean saying my name as in
when you answer the phone
or that pause in conversation
when you repeat it again
to ensure you have my attention

because I haven't been next to you
in quite some time
I never knew the emotions behind long distance
until right now

when my fingers are sore
from typing on my phone
a rather mechanical, calculated motion that they detest
they would rather flow smoothly through your frizzy hair
that's somewhere between behaving and still flat on one side from the pillow
would rather be entwined with your careful hands
be tucked in between your fingers, one by one, like small children
told bedtime stories by each stroke of your thumb along the side of my hand
the rhythm of a lullaby
making me shiver with delight
that sends lightning bolts up my spine
the thunder is a hungry rumble in my chest
a low growl that I wouldn't hear
if I hadn't been listening.
a purr of wanting.

You make me want to want.
want to curl up next to you and pretend like everything in the world can just pause
just wait for another day
until it has to take us away from each other again.
I want to look in your eyes to see a flicker of desire
that is echoed in the heat of your skin
want to seduce you with secrets, with sensations
want to tantalize you with my dancing body
drive you crazy until you give in
to me.

But I can only see you
after skype has told me to take a deep breath
because you're an entire coastline away from me.
so when Owl City says Hello Seattle, I think of you
you tell me how it's always pouring, so
when it rains here, I feel closer to where you are
lost in the pulse of the drops that hit the ground
that seem to match my heartbeat
which is counting down the days
until I can see you again.

but as long as there's the entire length of a mountain range between us
I'll tell my heart to keep keeping time
unless i'm on the stage, i'll pretend to be normal
pretend like nothing is wrong
pretend like I don't miss you more with every day
pretend like I haven't thought about everything I would do to you, do with you
if this wasn't
long distance.

No words.

it's a law:every action
has an opposite and equal reaction
in this world full of friction and traction
and an unlimited amount of distraction.

but there's no equal and opposite to death.
to loss. of you. forever.
this clenched fist grip on my heart
and watering of my eyes
could never be enough
for me to express the hole that has been ripped
right through me.

I would have to run rearrange the stars,
paint the moon red,
or pull the sun a little closer
anything of cosmic proportions
because that is the biggest thing I know.
and that still isn't enough.
a different night sky or a bleeding moon
may reflect my sorrow
but it will never take it away

It grows in my chest and gnaws at me,
reminding me that I'll never wrap my arms around you again
whispering that I loved you enough to let you go
and sneering that I should have held on a little longer

I'm fighting against myself, but I don't have the will to throw a punch.
I'm submissive to the feelings, emotions, sensations that are beyond words and actions
because they are not of this world.

So no, there is no equal and opposite reaction
to watching you draw your last breath.
to the love that I had for you
the love that I have for you.

It is said
There is balance in the chaos
yet nothing rhymes with that word.
it has no complement.

synonyms, yes.
madness
mayhem
destruction
pandemonium
lack of structure.

but there are no words for the chaos in my head.
.

composition number 1

Imma start this off slow,
So you can feel my flow
Try and understand what I already know
If you not feelin it, there’s the door,
If you’d like, you can up and go
Cause I’m not Maya but my love is like whoa

Sorry, too much, lemme spoon feed ya
My half baked ideas all up in hur
Cause I don’t wanna give you indigestion
So lemme start this off with a simple question

Did you think a white girl can’t rap?
You might wanna take a couple steps back
But don’t trip on yourself and fall off track
Check yourself if you think my shit is whack

Cause I’m not one to fit your description
The words I spit don’t belong in the fiction
Section, although I speak with perfect diction
I belong on the stage, not the mother fuckin kitchen
You best not be askin this bad bitch
Cause I know you can make your own damn sandwich

Oops, I should say sorry if I surprised ya
that when I walk in they say recognize her
But there’s something you gotta realize, sir
I’m the new fair lady no my name ain’t eliza

Cause I don’t Doolittle to bust out these rhymes
About something other than big curvy dimes
When you ain’t got a nickel in these hard ass times
You can’t make it rain, bitch I make it shower
By speakin out against me you’ve given me the power
To use my own voice to make your face turn sour
Cause I can keep this goin for a couple more hours

And honestly ya’ll are makin me tired
Listenin to rappers I know I admired
But you past your prime, you shoulda been retired
You sleepin on the job when I’m still wired

Hyped up on electricity
You shouldn’ta judged me on my ethnicity
I ain’t in the cult of domesticity
you stuntin for my publicity
I tried to warn ya of my toxicity
My words are poison in all simplicity

Creepin in your system, strangling your throat
Crossin out the words you already wrote
Just give up now, don’t forget your coat
This is for the haters, ya’ll better take note
That it’s just so easy for me to get your goat
But I’m not one to sit back and gloat
You on your high horse, I’m on a mother fuckin boat.

T pain’s dreads ain't got nothing on me
I’m the newest thing to hit the OC
Bustin out moves and feelin like YEE
The tall white girl that’s ya new emcee
Of tonight’s event, now let me see
You gotta help me out, where were we?
yeah, you were actin a fool, like a big pussy
Cause you couldn’t sit back just let me be
How about you do you and I’ll do me
or keep trippin like ya drop lsd
I make ya sick like ddt
I ain't just ill, bitch I'm a disease
can't be touched by the cdc
I'm classy as fuck like the bbc
while you still doin you're ABC's
I already got my Ph D

I'm the new professor of this swagger class
my mind sharp like the edge of cut glass
at this point in the game you can't even pass
cause Imma be first, you'll come in last

it was your mistake to underestimate a girl
did the earth just shake or did I rock your world?

Luck, fate, and all that other bullshit

I'm scared.
We've been over that part already.
I'm scared of the unknown
of the unsure
of the blurry future
I like knowing where my life is going.
knowing exactly what I feel
and knowing where things will go
and yet now
those are all up in the air
like juggling pins
and I don't know which one I'm going to catch first.

But I do know
that when I see you, I light up like the front of houses on christmas; like the sky on 4th of july
when you say my name, I feel butterflies that tickle their wings against my skin, making you feel closer to me
every time you tell me you miss me, my heartbeat pauses for a minute like it's forgotten the tempo it's supposed to be at.
when I think about being in your arms, I feel safe and upset at the same time

because I also know
that you're so far away from me
which only makes me miss you more.

And I'm stuck here with only my fingers that stroke the letters from the keyboard, coaxing the thoughts from my mind
in some hope that this will make the longing less hard to bear
the thought that it will be another month before I see you.
that you don't know me that well- but I want you to.
I want you to know all of me.
strip me down, lay myself out bare in front of you
and trust you.

All I know how to say
is I miss you. so much.
We're going off of a hunch
some romantic notion
that this could work
that this could be worth it

you're only one plane flight away from me
and right now, I would get in my car and drive up to see you if it meant falling asleep in your arms.

Instead, i'm here by the phone
waiting for you to call me back
so that your voice can ease my mind
and i know that I'll jump when I see your name on the caller ID
just like I do, every time.

and so I end with this:
I'm willing to give us a chance.
I promise to try my best to not hold anything back.
and I miss you. still.

Here.

Here we are.
we found each other
and I don't know about you
but my stomach starts doing flips when I see your face
Like I'm a gymnast
doing backhandspring-double twist-somersault- non fat mocha latte type spins
making me dizzy and inverting my view of the world
until I fall
for you.

the one variable in my life
because I love to categorize
and you
just don't fit
in the neat boxes that I've lined up in my head
I can't sit you on the shelf
next to my childhood memories
or tuck you away in the box with my general lack of faith in the male population.
I don't know where you go.

and honestly, I'm scared.
Like I was as a little girl.
When I thought there was an alligator under my bed
I knew that it wasn't possible, or even probable
but that didn't mean that I'd dangle my hand over the edge to tempt him
because I didn't want to get hurt.
If I got dragged into the unknown in my sleep
I wasn't sure if I'd make it back the next morning.

but for you?
I'd wrestle every scaly beast that lurks in florida swamps
like a female Steve Irwin
tie their sharp snouts shut
if it meant I could get to you.

You, the best muse that anyone could have.
I never thought that I'd have a "you"
and honestly, this is probably as close to a love poem as I'll ever get.

You see, they say that love is blind
but I can still see.
They say love is a weapon
but I never learned how to fight.
Love is patient, love is kind
but I was never schooled in all the virtues.

I.... have never been in love.

But I figured that when I was ready, it would happen
prince charming would appear
and I would be the one riding the horse
because I've never been much of a damsel in distress

but I just wish you could see past the front that I put up so hard
that i'm fine being one of the single ladies
all you women, who independent
throw your hands up at me
just another line in a beyonce song

when really
I want to be the everything to your brad paisley
Fly you to the moon like frank sinatra
so that I can finally sing at last like etta james.

But right now
my heart is thumping out a beat
to a song that I don't know the words to.
and besides
we both know
that you're the better singer anyway
So write down the lyrics that are stuck in my head
and I'll move to the emotion in your voice

because you found me.
and here we are.

"Biggest part of me" by Ambrosia

I'm scared to sing in front of you.
Mostly because when I open my mouth to let out a melody
it sounds like a small animal is dying.

but without even saying anything
I relax and start singing along
to the music that I sent to you

and the song you gave to me
is stuck in my head
I'm playing it on repeat
over and over and over

Hoping, in vain, that it will bring me closer to you.
that somehow, it will ease this tugging in my chest
of a constant desire to be near you.
Just to have your arm around me
to hear your voice in my ear
to curl up next to you
would be enough.

I'm not asking for long, just for now.
Because I know that I get scared easily
but when it comes to you
I'm not scared.
and when I am
it eases in a matter of minutes.

You're the one that I want.