Ramblings/ stream of consciousness

Too much caffeine, I think too quickly
I need someone who talks faster
Because my mind is in five different places at once.
Where is it?
Listening to miRNA talks. How are they specific or do they have specific targets?
That asian guy over there looks familiar. I wonder why.
Also his shirt is very blue and it suits him well
I remember I used to be able to feel people’s hearts but only hwen I wasn’t in my normal frame of mind
Is my mind so constrictive that I can’t feel people’s hearts normally?

miRNAs: targets or non targets? Specific set of rules?
People love rules. Love to make things make sense
But a lot of times they don’t.
Like death. Or love.
They don’t make sense.
Or chance. Or the future.

I’m thinking about Emilio. Wondering if he’s done driving. If he can skype once he’s home.
Wondering where that’s going to go, knowing that I think he’s wonderful but honestly I’m just waiting for him to decide to leave
To get bored and walk out
That or waiting for myself to become flighty and have him not chase me
After all, that’s what happened in the past
That’s what’s always happened.
He says that this is so new and he misses me so mch and that he wants to know all my flaws
Thinks that his flaws are more scary
And that makes me wonder if I’m still censoring myself and trying to give him a sweetened down version of my mind

I wish I could talk like Zach does
Uninhibited.
I can do it for a little while but then I get self conscious and stop speaking my thoughts
Because I have so many thoughts
So many thoughts
Different thoughts that I’ve already had so they’re kind of like reruns
So many thoughts
Over and over

I miss my zach. I wonder how base camp is.
I wonder if he knows how often he crosses my mind
If he understands how much he means to me

I think so much and yet I don’t think enough
i’m totally focused and yet I want to unchain my mind
let it float free and stop trying to put it into a box
that momentary release
crash. bang. Boom.
Explosion
Supernova
Bubble being blown.
Bud opening
The first actual rays of a sunrise
Not the pink shaded clouds right before the sun actually comes up
But the first bright streaks that punch you in the eye if you look at them too long

I wonder if Emilio will hold me. Will want to hold me if he finds out I’m broken.
I wonder if you have to be broken to be a poet.
I first became a poet when I was broken by grief.
And the best poets I know embrace their broken parts even if the jagged edges cut their fingers

I wonder what it felt like to be in my own mind when I was a kid.
I felt like I was suppressing my old soul because my body was too young to handle it and it’s just been over taking me more and more as each day goes by
Adds another wrinkle to my face or another laugh line in my forehead
I wonder if I would get along with myself as a child

I haven’t interacted with a child in a while
I miss my innocence
I wonder what it would be like to spend a night next to Adam again
I don’t even know who he is any more
And we were best friends a year and a half ago

Life changes so quickly.
But I have sarah and meg and Ashley and Vanessa
And my sister and my mother
My strong women that never fail to support me and remind me that I’m a ray of sunshine
That I don’t have to be superwoman

But if I wear the cape
Sometimes it feels like I can fly
But other times I just jump off of balconies and crash land into bushes

Why am I a scientist?
Is it because of my parents?
Or because I feel like I’m a kindred spirit with the trees
I feel more comfortable holding leaves than holding hands
I’ve never had a problem with PDA when it comes to flowers
Something I can always love
Can always rely on to surprise me and amaze me
But I just love the color green
Love the way that it feels
So lush and full and vivacious

I miss speaking Spanish
Loved the way that all the r’s would roll off my tongue
How there was an el or a la in front of words so that if I blocked out the meaning and just listened
It sounded like singing
So rapid and fast and quick and happy
And happy.

And happy.
I don’t like that word.
Happy is too curt and cut off
Joy sounds much better
You can really draw out the vowel sounds

Ah fuck, I’m just rambling.
I want to experience a star imploding
Or exploding
Or the way the world looks when you’re immersed in total darkness

And if I write for long enough, my mind goes quiet
Just for a few moments
I can stare at the library shelves of my memories
But then the stacks are flooded with small shrieking schoolchildren
All demanding my attention
Grabbing for my hands and trying to lead me down different roads of thought
But I just laugh and tell them to take turns
Remember that I don’t remember what I’m supposed to remember
But memories are usually faulty and misleading
Which is why I love living in the moment
But that usually requires not thinking so goddamn much
But living in the moment also encompasses thriving in my own imagination

I am way too hard on myself sometimes

Everything is a cycle
Everything is a loop
Everything is a new beginning
A starting over
A blossom about to bloom

Everything will come and go and pass and start again
And stress will happen and then it will go away and then it will happen again
And I will have epihpanies and then I will forget them
And then I will have them again and it will feel just as fulfilling as it did the first time.

And I wish I could think of a nice way to wrap this up but my thoughts are always all over the place
Like a maze with multiple exits but only one entrance
I love wordplay
It’s like a constant Sudoku or crossword puzzle in my head
The poem is a blank set of squares and I get to choose the hints and fill it in myself
Like a giant version of scrabble
I have more fun when I stay true to who I am
And who I am is who I want to be
Which is who I decide I am by my actions

That are based on my thoughts
That will always crowd my mind
This has happened before
And this will happen again.