River Flows in You

I write until my fingers hurt.
I cry until no more tears will come.
I speak until my mouth is dry.
I hold myself together until I fall apart.

This emptiness, this blankness, this vast bleak space that eats away at me keeps appearing.
I don't know why. I don't know when.
I just... hurt.

I miss you so much.
Here come the tears.
I was doing so well at holding them back... but your memory surprises me.
I keep listening to that song.
the one that starts out so beautiful, so entrancing. so melodic. so touching.
so captivating.
so undescribable.
so full of hope and joy. of stories and of wonder.
of complicated melodies woven together.
now whenever i hear it, I think of you.
it describes us perfectly- there are no words.

There is no way for me to say how I feel. how I felt.
I keep trying to put it together, and I just can't.
but listenting to it breaks my heart a little more every time.
I feel like the room is spinning and I can't hold myself down.
I want you to be here, to be my anchor.

The song changes... it sounds sad now. The pace slows, and becomes thoughtful. Still just as beautiful... and suddenly, it ends. With a few last, sad, bitter notes, it ends.

Back and Forth

I'm okay, then I'm not.
I'm happy with things, then I'm upset.
I'm doing alright, then I'm falling apart at the seams.
I'm not thinking about you at all, then I miss you so much it hurts.
I'm healing, then I'm wondering if I made the right choice.
I'm moving on, then I think about how things were for so long.

I'm tired of flipping back and forth.
I want to be one of the other; not both.
Make it stop. Please.

Wishing Well

I wish I could see you again.
I wish I could hear your voice, low and calming.
I wish I was yours.
I wish I woke up next to you today.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I could tell you all of this.
I wish you knew what I'm feeling.
I wish I didn't have to pretend I'm okay.
I wish I could forget.
I wish that I'll always remember exactly how you were.
I wish you would take it back.
I wish you could take it back.
I wish I didn't want this still.

I wish I could make all these wishes come true.

Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.

Can't or won't? I'm not sure.

Something about actually seeing that you're "single" cuts me deeper than I thought it would have.
Something about seeing all my friends in official relationships stings more than it should.
Listening to these songs over and over can't be good for me.
I really should sleep. Or stop thinking. Or both.
Both of those are hard to do when I miss you so much.

Never saw it coming.

So unexpected. I still don't understand.
I hope understanding will come with time, and with healing.
I'm hurting. and I don't understand.
I asked the world to help me. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying not to miss you, but it's so hard.
I won't think about it. I won't think about you. I won't. I won't. I keep telling myself I won't.
But there you are; you're everywhere I look. You're the music that keeps playing, you're the smell of incense that still lingers in my room.

You're such a big part of my life. of me. How can I let you go? How can I move on?
I'm trying to move past this, but I'm just starting to feel the tugging at the bottom of my chest that lets me know I'm alone.
I miss you.
There, I said it.
I feel like I made the wrong choice. I want you back. I want you here. I want your body next to mine. I want to wake up to your face, I want to wake up in your arms.
I can't run to you anymore, can I?

I thought I was special to you. I thought I meant something.
I did, I guess. You say I did. You say you care about me.
But you can't fall in love with me. Well, I never thought that it would last forever... It crossed my mind a few times though.
I really like being with you. I like spending time with you. I don't know how to deal with losing you.
It's just as hard, seeing you hurt over losing me.
I'm going to be strong through this and not talk to you. I'm going to give us space, even though it's the last thing I want.
I want to run down to your door and pull you close to me; ask you to reconsider.
But that's not who I am. That's not who you are.
I'm here. You're there. You're not going to change. and I'm not going to wait.

I'm an amazing girlfriend, I know I am.
Still, it hurts like hell. Can't I just be mad at you instead? Can't you go do somethign to piss me off and make me hate you?
No, I wouldn't want that. It would make it easier, but this is going to be better in the long run.
I guess I just have to get used to this dull aching in my chest.
I guess I have to start forgetting you.
I guess I have to move on.

But that doesn't mean I want to.

Cascades

Why is it that I feel the most alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me the most?
Maybe not so much alone just as let down. By people i thought i could count on to be who they said they would be... but words are always easier than actions.

I drove home tonight, then turned around and kept driving. I drove along the country roads and attempted to lose myself among the stars.
It was a full moon tonight. It shone on my face as I followed the curves of the road, trying to pick out individual thoughts. Eventually, I stopped. I stepped out of my car in the middle of nowhere- surrounded by empty land on both sides- and lied down in the middle of the road.
I stared up into the night sky. I listened to the soft trilling of the Killdeers and the gentle murmurs of the frogs. I watched as one, then two cars drove to unknown destinations.
I was totally and completely alone. I let my thoughts cascade over one another, crashing and flowing of their own accord.
I looked up at the bright, shining moon, and I actually saw it. I listened to the sounds of nature that are all around, and I actually heard them. I actually felt the stars and the cold wind on my skin. I tasted the confusion and hesitation on my tongue.

I have my flaws, my minute imperfections. I try to be the best person that I can, but I can't help feeling confused/lost/afraid at times.
Confused as to who I should really have in my life. Lost for words when I try to talk about things that have happened. And afraid that I'm going to lose someone or that I'm not going in the right direction for my future.

The only way to truly express how I feel is with the complementary melodies of a piano song.
I want to stay home, where I belong... Yet I feel a tug on my heartstrings to return to the new home that I have created.
Can't I just sleep for a while and wait until all this passes?
I'm too young to be thinking this much. When will it be acceptable for me to not be looked upon as a child anymore?
When can I make my own decisions without someone remarking about my age?
When is it appropriate for me to assert what I want to do for the rest of my life?
When is it acceptable for me to say that I'm in love and not have people scoff at it?
I wouldn't know; I've never been in love.
I thought I was, once... But that's a different story entirely.

I'm in love with what I do; with the world around me. It changes constantly yet it's unpredictability is what fascinates me the most at times.
Maybe it's along the path that I know I'll follow that I'll find the answers to these questions... Or maybe it will lead me to more questions.
Still, it'll be one interesting journey to have.