All I want

All I ever wanted was to be the epicenter of global change earthquake waves
All I ever wanted was to be the face of a cause I'd be willing to die for
All I ever wanted was to be the voice of the trees; I am a daughter of the forest
All I ever wanted was to be reborn with each ocean wave that kisses each continent with the same salt water lips
All I ever wanted was to translate my passion into a language that the general public speaks

but now
all I want is you.

It's a constant pulsation between my temples
I'm hopelessly addicted and I don't even remember saying yes to the first hit

It was a night filled with flashing lights, heavy beats, and lots of glitter
and you literally appeared in front of me
I found you.
I wasn't even looking for you
I didn't even know I was looking

but now
all I want is you

I want you curled up next to me when I pull myself from my dreams
and let you taste the sweet surprise on my lips
at the fact that you actually exist

I want to speak my heartbeat rhythms into the lattice of microphones and see your face in the crowd

I want to be able to find the proper words to make you understand how much it means
that all I want
is
you.

Things that needed to be said

I want to be a woman.
I want to be strong, gentle, and graceful.
I want to treat everyone with kindness and respect
I want to be able to forgive those who wrong me
I want to be known as a hard worker
I want to find reasons to smile when I could easily keep a neutral face and blend in to the crowd

I am generally well liked
even generally well loved
I make a strong impression
but I refuse to quiet my personality
I need to get better at listening
but that's understandable because I've been working on becoming a better speaker
I am confident in my body and in my mind
I am calm and focused on my goals
I will change the world
and I should learn that I will always have self doubts
but that just means that I have room to improve
so as long as I continue interacting with the world
I will continue changing
and I will have things I dislike about myself
but there are so many things that I love.

I love my eyes and my strong calves
I love that I have curves
I love that I'm tall
I love that I love to read
I love that I have a nerdy sense of humor
I love that I am working on learning how to give everyone a true honest chance
I love that I haven't stopped chasing the dreams I've had since I was a little girl
I love that I love being challenged
I love that I won't ever stop pursuing something I want
I love myself.

Excess thoughts

I think I lost someone.
That's the only way to describe the aching that I can't get rid of
like I've left someone behind and forgotten them
and all i have is the residual trace of the impact they had on my life

maybe it's because the most influential people in my life
always
have
to leave
right after they appear

so I'm just waiting for the ones I have currently to disappear
like all the rest have

it's constant and pressing
fear of losing those I love
and fear of loving any more than I already do
because "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"
but it's assumed that love will come your way again
what if it doesn't?
what if you lost someone who was supposed to be woven into the thread of your life and make it more intricate than you could have imagined?

I realize that my identity is heavily based in those I surround myself with
so when they're gone
I'm at a loss for who to be

for someone who hasn't been abandoned that much
I have some pretty nasty abandonment issues.
I don't know where they came from but I want them to get out of my head

I can't remember when I started fearing the unknown
or when I lost track of who I am

I feel like I've been here before
this junction of different versions of myself
and I'm trying to recreate who I want to be
but I'm not sure exactly who that is yet.
I guess I'll just have to take a leap of faith
and hope that I can catch myself.

With you

I want to hold hands with you like my fingers aren't afraid of commitment.
Like they're okay with being intwined with yours
like i'm just threading the loom that i've already had set up
waiting to weave new memories into it

I want to wake up tangled in your bedsheets
with blurry eyes and hair sticking out at science fiction angles
and trace the patterns of the veins underneath your skin
blue highways that race to the speed limit of your heartbeat

I want to decorate a house with you
hang up paintings, windows to other worlds
I'd put a Monet at the foot of the bed
because you know how much I love him.

I want to travel with you
Watch the northern lights
see the sky split apart into illuminated strands of silk
that twist above our heads
like old souls dancing together have finally been reunited

I want to have a garden with you
watch tiny seedlings poke their inquisitive tips into the sunshine
as they find that everything they need
is instructed within their tiny shell
throw down roots into the dewdrop soaked soil
and we could just sit there quietly
watching things grow.

I want my blonde hair to turn white
and have you still look at me the same way.
let the laugh lines curve my face like riverbeds
indications of all the lifetimes I've lived in the years i've been given

I want to hold hands with you
until our skin starts to thin and sag
we'll leave our youth behind but we'll say goodbye like old friends
who know that we'll be reunited
the world around us will change so much
but I want to always know how it feels
to have my palm pressed against yours.

Happiness

I don't know this girl.
She looks pretty.
She has a sincere smile and a stud nose piercing
She currently lives in the same city as you
and for some reason,
I think she likes you.

Maybe it was the post on your facebook wall
that I was stalking
because I miss you
but I can't tell you that
so I try to know what's going on in your life
without asking directly

I can't stop listening to adele.
something about her purity makes me put all her songs on repeat
and most of them are love songs
so of course I think about you
which puts me on this semi self destructive path

because I already cut our ties and said that our potential couldn't exist
wouldn't compromise for you
wouldn't let you compromise for me
because I wanted you to be happy

but you know what?
I want to be your happiness
I want to be the face you fall asleep to at night
and the smile that you wake up to in the morning

My mind took everything a few steps past where it should have stopped
but it made me realize
that I would be so happy to create a family with you
raising babies and making memories with them and with each other
watching them grow
and I could be your happiness

I could be the smile that I love seeing on your face
I could be the reason you're excited to go home at the end of a day
I could be the muse to your music
the one you text during the middle of the day
because I'm still on your mind.

I described how it feels to be around you
how it felt to be around you
and I realized that I'd just described what it feels like to be in love.

I repeat myself over and over saying that it isn't fair
this jsut isn't fair
I want you.
I want you to be here right now.
I want you in California
I want you in my bed
I want to wake up in your arms and not have it be a dream

I want a future
I want tiny feet pattering in the hallways
and a treehouse built in the backyard

and maybe i'm only 20 years old
and maybe this is a little hasty
but this is new for me
this future is something I didn't see
but I want it.
I want it so badly.

But she's near you and I'm 3000 miles away
this new girl
she has dark curly hair
mine is straight and blonde.

you miss running your fingers through my hair
I hope that when you touch hers for the first time
You can only think of how it's not the same
how she doesn't fit with you the same

but if she's your happiness,
I'll settle for having happiness not with you
but for you

If she's what you know you need
I wish you nothing but the best
but if I get the chance
I'll make sure she knows
the amazing man that she's about to commit to.

Shooting Practice

So many moments with so many people
and I've had writers block forever
actually writing right now just feels.... weird.

I'm seeing Justin tomorrow. we're going to talk about eeeeeeeverything
and i'm excited
but that means I have to put all my thoughts in one place
and i have so many thoughts.

I still miss my grandmother and Gretchen. I never properly grieved for them.
I'm scared to lose my father and mother and sister even if those fears are unfounded.
I'm still coping with everyone trying to kill themselves and never taking a moment to wonder how that would affect me.
the only men I've been intimate with I've had to leave two weeks later.
I feel like I don't know how to commit.

I'm so tired of being superwoman all the time for everyone.
I can't write poetry and I don't know why. it just won't come.
I think Zach was right and I hate it
but I can't get anything to flow like it used to
maybe because I'm going through a huge change

but my words just aren't coming out like they used to
there's no ease in them any more
and i don't know where that went.

I'm scared that I won't break out of it
but at the same time
I know that this has happened before
and it always gets resolved

because I write poetry when I'm passionate
and my emotions are all tangled and wrapped up in other places
and I've been letting my mind rest
finally
so once I engage it again
it will engage with the world

and my words will come back to me.
hopefully.

Mine

I feel like I'm addicted to you.
or like we already went through a break up and i'm reminiscing on how much i enjoyed you
but I can't help it
and I don't know why
but I always want to know what you're doing
where you are and what you're thinking

You...... ugh.
words are difficult.
you make me blush.
and I say stupid things around you.
I get defensive over nothing and forget that it was you who pursued me in the first place

but i've had a lot of guys try to catch me
only to find that i'm not what they thought
or something like that.
So many go out of their way to show me how great i am and how beautiful i am and blah blah blah
but then for whatever reason
i'm not great enough or beautiful enough or interesting enough for them to stick around

and then it's over.
i'm just not what they were looking for.
i'm not needy or clingy or dependent or crazy
and so they walk out the door and i'm left.

i'm always left behind when I take a chance.

I can't sleep.
I don't want to sleep.
I want to talk to you again.
Didn't you hear how excited I was to see your name light up my phone?

I miss you, damnit.

I don't even know you.

I can't fall asleep because I want you to hold me.
I want to press my face into your chest and breathe in all of you
I want you to not let me go
make me promises that I'll believe you'll keep
prove me wrong.
show me that i've learned all the wrong lessons
that you're not like all the other ones
that you're a good idea to take a chance on

I'm more than willing to give you enough time for the skeletons in our closet to dance together
but first you have to open the door so i can get inside.
and maybe you're just more busy than I am
or it's the time change
or you're not by your phone
or you think about things differently
but I always notice when you don't text back.
I keep track of how long it's been since we last talked.
all. the. time.

and it's making me feel like this crazy needy psycho girl
and that's not who I am
but that's borne out of my own insecurities that I can't keep a guy around
because it seems like... I can't.

but being clingy isn't going to help with that.

besides, i'd rather be myself fully and if that's too much for you to handle, then i'll know things weren't right
but you originally wanted me because of who I am
uncensored and unknowing
so why should I change now?

you and I are quite special
I'm just scared to lose something so rare
without even really getting a chance to call it mine in the first place