Relapse

You were the everything that I never had
The future that I wanted to believe in
You were my disney fairy tale come true.

There was a part of me that just... knew.
it killed me, not being able to see you or touch you or hold you
just talk. Just see your face and you could see mine
we'd talk until the sun came up
that was the only thing that I relied on
that the sun would continue to rise
because then it would have set where you were
and I hoped that you would dream of me.

Because I tried to dream of you every night
it was the only way that I could feel close to you.
We were separated by an entire ocean
and now, I'm not sure why I decided to give it a shot in the first place

But as of this morning, I understand my emotionally skewed logic.
See, you popped up in my dreams again.
I realized what was about to happen, and then you were there.
Every detail became clear. Your eyes light up and I ran to you.
Finally, you held me in your arms.
You picked me up and carried me away from everything.

All I could think was "finally. finally. This is so right."
I miss you so much.

Of all the people that have asked for my heart,
you're one of the only ones who didn't.
but I gave it to you anyway.
I took a chance on something that I knew couldn't work but I was hoping that we'd prove them all wrong
Only to have you throw it back in my face.

Telling me that you found someone else
but what I heard
was that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't worth it.

I was willing to cross oceans for you
Willing to change my life for you
willing to do anything for you
and that wasn't enough?

I've never been in love, but talking to you felt pretty damn close.
I never had words to describe you- or to describe us.

and I've pretended like I'm alright with how things ended, but I'm not.
You dropped me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to you.

When even now, the mention of you while I'm sleeping
throws me into full mental chaos

I ached to be near you. It was a constant pain somewhere in my chest that felt like I was being tugged to the East
being tugged towards you.
So I would go to the beach just to stand in the water
and stare out at the barrier that prevented me from getting closer to you.
I cursed mother nature and father time for placing us so far apart
but I hoped that when the water came up to kiss your legs
that you would somehow feel me there with you.

I still miss you.
I'm still hoping that our paths cross again in the future
but please, stop haunting me.
Don't appear out of nowhere to remind me of everything I never had.
Let me be.