Why not?
One. I don't need a man to feel completed, I operate under my own command and I follow my own manual.
Two. I don't know where your hands have been, fingertips that have a tendency to wander past the point of indecency.
Three. If your skill at spitting game is any indication of your ability to use your lips, then I'm pretty sure that I'm not interested anyway.
Four. You asked me, baby why not? Why not just give this night a shot?
I'll tell you. I prefer to wake up in my own bed without regrets from the night before.
Five. You say my name like you're talking about your favorite stripper.
Six. I'm surprised you remember my name at all.
Seven. I don't care about your affections or who's an object of them. In case you forgot to notice, I'm a woman- not an object.
Eight. It's been said before- My short skirt is not and invitation, a provocation, or
an indication that I want it, or give it, or that I hook.
Nine. I'm pretty sure that you don't care about my major or my family or how my week has been, because you keep staring about a foot below where my eyes are.
Ten. Because I respect myself. Because I like to dance like there are diamonds between my thighs. Because I don't need your eyes or fingers to crawl over my skin like cockroaches. Because I don't want to. Because I don't want to. Because I don't want to.
That should be enough reason for you.
But it wasn't.
My lack of interested only made you push harder; you believed that you had a right to what is rightfully mine.
Playing with my psyche like it was a new toy, toying with my better judgment because you knew I was already inebriated and prevented from spilling sweet soliloquies from my toungue about the fact that I can do better.
that when you asked to feel your skin next to mine, I didn't want to.
but you kept asking, why not?
and I couldn't come up with a reason.
So I'm standing up here, two years later and a hell of a lot stronger
Stripping my past down in front of strangers
and I'm more naked in front of this crowd than I ever was in front of you
because I'm up here by choice.
So this is the only moment you'll get in my memory
knowing that the scars you left on my body in invisible ink weren't strong enough to resist the eraser of my own conviction that this wasn't my fault.
that your idea of a good time required me to feel broken and shamed for months afterwards.
I walk with my head high
and a glow behind my eyes
because you don't have any power over me.
After all, that's all this was from the beginning-
you took a hold of the wheel and steered that night to a place I thought I'd ever end up
but I'm the only licensed pilot of my confidence, of my future, of myself
so you want a reason for why not?
I couldn't think of any when I needed to
but now I realize
that I didn't have to give you one.
and you know what?
I still don't.
because I don't want to.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Relapse
You were the everything that I never had
The future that I wanted to believe in
You were my disney fairy tale come true.
There was a part of me that just... knew.
it killed me, not being able to see you or touch you or hold you
just talk. Just see your face and you could see mine
we'd talk until the sun came up
that was the only thing that I relied on
that the sun would continue to rise
because then it would have set where you were
and I hoped that you would dream of me.
Because I tried to dream of you every night
it was the only way that I could feel close to you.
We were separated by an entire ocean
and now, I'm not sure why I decided to give it a shot in the first place
But as of this morning, I understand my emotionally skewed logic.
See, you popped up in my dreams again.
I realized what was about to happen, and then you were there.
Every detail became clear. Your eyes light up and I ran to you.
Finally, you held me in your arms.
You picked me up and carried me away from everything.
All I could think was "finally. finally. This is so right."
I miss you so much.
Of all the people that have asked for my heart,
you're one of the only ones who didn't.
but I gave it to you anyway.
I took a chance on something that I knew couldn't work but I was hoping that we'd prove them all wrong
Only to have you throw it back in my face.
Telling me that you found someone else
but what I heard
was that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't worth it.
I was willing to cross oceans for you
Willing to change my life for you
willing to do anything for you
and that wasn't enough?
I've never been in love, but talking to you felt pretty damn close.
I never had words to describe you- or to describe us.
and I've pretended like I'm alright with how things ended, but I'm not.
You dropped me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to you.
When even now, the mention of you while I'm sleeping
throws me into full mental chaos
I ached to be near you. It was a constant pain somewhere in my chest that felt like I was being tugged to the East
being tugged towards you.
So I would go to the beach just to stand in the water
and stare out at the barrier that prevented me from getting closer to you.
I cursed mother nature and father time for placing us so far apart
but I hoped that when the water came up to kiss your legs
that you would somehow feel me there with you.
I still miss you.
I'm still hoping that our paths cross again in the future
but please, stop haunting me.
Don't appear out of nowhere to remind me of everything I never had.
Let me be.
The future that I wanted to believe in
You were my disney fairy tale come true.
There was a part of me that just... knew.
it killed me, not being able to see you or touch you or hold you
just talk. Just see your face and you could see mine
we'd talk until the sun came up
that was the only thing that I relied on
that the sun would continue to rise
because then it would have set where you were
and I hoped that you would dream of me.
Because I tried to dream of you every night
it was the only way that I could feel close to you.
We were separated by an entire ocean
and now, I'm not sure why I decided to give it a shot in the first place
But as of this morning, I understand my emotionally skewed logic.
See, you popped up in my dreams again.
I realized what was about to happen, and then you were there.
Every detail became clear. Your eyes light up and I ran to you.
Finally, you held me in your arms.
You picked me up and carried me away from everything.
All I could think was "finally. finally. This is so right."
I miss you so much.
Of all the people that have asked for my heart,
you're one of the only ones who didn't.
but I gave it to you anyway.
I took a chance on something that I knew couldn't work but I was hoping that we'd prove them all wrong
Only to have you throw it back in my face.
Telling me that you found someone else
but what I heard
was that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't worth it.
I was willing to cross oceans for you
Willing to change my life for you
willing to do anything for you
and that wasn't enough?
I've never been in love, but talking to you felt pretty damn close.
I never had words to describe you- or to describe us.
and I've pretended like I'm alright with how things ended, but I'm not.
You dropped me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to you.
When even now, the mention of you while I'm sleeping
throws me into full mental chaos
I ached to be near you. It was a constant pain somewhere in my chest that felt like I was being tugged to the East
being tugged towards you.
So I would go to the beach just to stand in the water
and stare out at the barrier that prevented me from getting closer to you.
I cursed mother nature and father time for placing us so far apart
but I hoped that when the water came up to kiss your legs
that you would somehow feel me there with you.
I still miss you.
I'm still hoping that our paths cross again in the future
but please, stop haunting me.
Don't appear out of nowhere to remind me of everything I never had.
Let me be.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Gravity
We had the perfect day
that started with a piggyback ride and ended with an embrace, I was curled next to your chest
as your arms whispered me the promises that I knew you wouldn't keep.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as you held my face in your hand and kissed my fears away
Kissed away the questions on my lips, so I swallowed them whole
stayed silent, kept my tongue still even though my mind was racing like it was on the Indy 500
Hoping that the night would stay, that we could dance to the music of the stars
as they twinkled soft symphonies on our cheeks
listening to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
So I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the fact that I know better.
I was a fool- I trusted you.
And these last two weeks of silence has caused my mind to become chaos
Pointing fingers shaped like guns at the cause of this mess
Knowing that I should just walk away
but I can't, because my knees get weak when I see you.
That I shouldn't speak to you again
but my vocal chords play the sweetest melodies when the sounds fall upon your eardrums
That I should just cut my losses
but I can't sever the ties to something with so much potential.
Honestly, I miss you.
but I'm almost certain that you won't hear this
because even if you were here, you've never really listened to me
You bipolar technicolor rollercoaster ride of a person
You change from one side of yourself to the other faster than a lightswitch.
and I never know which one I'm going to get.
Like the mystery center of a childhood candy.
you were wrapped in a bright cellophane exterior
that I could see right through
And I'm now smarter
I know I should have called allstate
So I could have ensured that I wouldn't be damaged
That the emotional car wrecks would be covered
that I could trust that I was in good hands.
because you've never held me close, have you?
You've never had the courage
to ask me the questions that I know were burning in the front of your mind
because I could see them singed onto your forehead
You were afraid of me
afraid that I would hurt you
but this unchoreographed tightrope dance doesn't seem like the best alternative
because it's only going to end with one of us falling
with no safety net or trampoline to catch
the unlucky one who looses their footing
But
we both know
that I already fell
the tip of my shoe caught in the cracks of my forced smile
We both know
that my steady feet stumbled
and I fell into your gravity
and we both know
that you aren't going to try to catch me.
So let me hit the ground-
maybe it will knock some sense into me
maybe it will finally give me the strength to push you away
maybe it will paralyze me so that I can no longer feel so much
like I did that one night.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as
we listened to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
when you touched my skin so softly, held my hand so gently
I felt tingling spiders of ecstasy racing up my arm,
as if my fingers wanted to tell the rest of my body what it was missing.
That night was perfect.
But the sun always rises
and so does my voice
so I'll yell your name from the roof of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you for the last two years
and I've just been plugging my ears
So here's to hoping that this won't break me, here's to trusting you, here's to everything I know isn't going to work
Here's to gravity, because I'm still falling.
that started with a piggyback ride and ended with an embrace, I was curled next to your chest
as your arms whispered me the promises that I knew you wouldn't keep.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as you held my face in your hand and kissed my fears away
Kissed away the questions on my lips, so I swallowed them whole
stayed silent, kept my tongue still even though my mind was racing like it was on the Indy 500
Hoping that the night would stay, that we could dance to the music of the stars
as they twinkled soft symphonies on our cheeks
listening to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
So I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the fact that I know better.
I was a fool- I trusted you.
And these last two weeks of silence has caused my mind to become chaos
Pointing fingers shaped like guns at the cause of this mess
Knowing that I should just walk away
but I can't, because my knees get weak when I see you.
That I shouldn't speak to you again
but my vocal chords play the sweetest melodies when the sounds fall upon your eardrums
That I should just cut my losses
but I can't sever the ties to something with so much potential.
Honestly, I miss you.
but I'm almost certain that you won't hear this
because even if you were here, you've never really listened to me
You bipolar technicolor rollercoaster ride of a person
You change from one side of yourself to the other faster than a lightswitch.
and I never know which one I'm going to get.
Like the mystery center of a childhood candy.
you were wrapped in a bright cellophane exterior
that I could see right through
And I'm now smarter
I know I should have called allstate
So I could have ensured that I wouldn't be damaged
That the emotional car wrecks would be covered
that I could trust that I was in good hands.
because you've never held me close, have you?
You've never had the courage
to ask me the questions that I know were burning in the front of your mind
because I could see them singed onto your forehead
You were afraid of me
afraid that I would hurt you
but this unchoreographed tightrope dance doesn't seem like the best alternative
because it's only going to end with one of us falling
with no safety net or trampoline to catch
the unlucky one who looses their footing
But
we both know
that I already fell
the tip of my shoe caught in the cracks of my forced smile
We both know
that my steady feet stumbled
and I fell into your gravity
and we both know
that you aren't going to try to catch me.
So let me hit the ground-
maybe it will knock some sense into me
maybe it will finally give me the strength to push you away
maybe it will paralyze me so that I can no longer feel so much
like I did that one night.
wrapped in the mist that you told me not to be scared of
tiny droplets that brushed my hair as
we listened to the stories of city lights that flickered so far away
when you touched my skin so softly, held my hand so gently
I felt tingling spiders of ecstasy racing up my arm,
as if my fingers wanted to tell the rest of my body what it was missing.
That night was perfect.
But the sun always rises
and so does my voice
so I'll yell your name from the roof of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you for the last two years
and I've just been plugging my ears
So here's to hoping that this won't break me, here's to trusting you, here's to everything I know isn't going to work
Here's to gravity, because I'm still falling.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Drinking
I woke up with a headache
a thick bitterness on my tongue
and shaking hands
from the night before.
I was so love drunk off of you
so this is the worst hangover I've ever had.
My temples pound with the beat of my heart
that sounds more like a ticking time bomb
counting down the seconds until I start thinking
that I wasn't good enough for you.
I want this taste of regret out of my mouth
but I'm not sure how it got there in the first place
Maybe I said your name into the wind too many times
in hopes that it would carry you away from me.
My fingertips tremble
with the memory of how yours felt
like you were finally ready to lead me
but you only brought me to the edge of a cliff.
We walked, hand in hand, fingers intwined like the teeth of a zipper
I let myself look into our future just one more time
and it felt so sweet and inviting
so when I curled my toes around the jumping point
I didn't fall for you
I launched forward headfirst
into nothingness.
I streaked back towards earth alone, like a self destructing missile
I was determined to get back to you.
To make a home in your arms again
to make you see how thrilling the fall can be
because you've always been my gravity.
Pulling me away from everything
away from reason, away from sound words from kind friends
away from my own sanity.
but the only words I can think of to tell you
aren't even my own.
because if I make a list of things you do
I would only make it through the first nine just so I could say
ten, i hate you, ten, i miss you, ten, i love you, ten, it's hard for me to count when i get emotional, ten
and 90% of human communication is nonverbal
but you never had a problem with that
you communicated quite clearly that
I wasn't good enough
you were ashamed of me
I had done something wrong
the past can't be forgotten
I didn't deserve you
You didn't love me
You didn't love me
You didn't love me.
and you proved it to me three times over.
so tell me
why would I give you a chance now
when I know that you're just going to run with it
in the opposite direction
away from me
to leave me standing
foolishly hopeful
and alone.
a thick bitterness on my tongue
and shaking hands
from the night before.
I was so love drunk off of you
so this is the worst hangover I've ever had.
My temples pound with the beat of my heart
that sounds more like a ticking time bomb
counting down the seconds until I start thinking
that I wasn't good enough for you.
I want this taste of regret out of my mouth
but I'm not sure how it got there in the first place
Maybe I said your name into the wind too many times
in hopes that it would carry you away from me.
My fingertips tremble
with the memory of how yours felt
like you were finally ready to lead me
but you only brought me to the edge of a cliff.
We walked, hand in hand, fingers intwined like the teeth of a zipper
I let myself look into our future just one more time
and it felt so sweet and inviting
so when I curled my toes around the jumping point
I didn't fall for you
I launched forward headfirst
into nothingness.
I streaked back towards earth alone, like a self destructing missile
I was determined to get back to you.
To make a home in your arms again
to make you see how thrilling the fall can be
because you've always been my gravity.
Pulling me away from everything
away from reason, away from sound words from kind friends
away from my own sanity.
but the only words I can think of to tell you
aren't even my own.
because if I make a list of things you do
I would only make it through the first nine just so I could say
ten, i hate you, ten, i miss you, ten, i love you, ten, it's hard for me to count when i get emotional, ten
and 90% of human communication is nonverbal
but you never had a problem with that
you communicated quite clearly that
I wasn't good enough
you were ashamed of me
I had done something wrong
the past can't be forgotten
I didn't deserve you
You didn't love me
You didn't love me
You didn't love me.
and you proved it to me three times over.
so tell me
why would I give you a chance now
when I know that you're just going to run with it
in the opposite direction
away from me
to leave me standing
foolishly hopeful
and alone.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Shiver
You can be my kite. skimming over my curves with the beat of a summer breeze, light fluttery touches that make me arch my back in anticipation. Or you can follow the path of a hurricane, full of energy, let me get caught up in the whirlwind of delicious destruction as you leave crescent moon shaped marks on my neck in your wake.
Pull me into you, into the eye of the storm where I have to grip your back so that I can stay anchored in this world.
Make me your own, brand your name into my lips so that it's the only thing I can say.
and when you think you've had enough, I'll make you come
to your senses
savoring each sensation that slowly seduces your shivering skin
I'll make it hard
for you to leave
because the best distractions
are the ones left unsaid.
Pull me into you, into the eye of the storm where I have to grip your back so that I can stay anchored in this world.
Make me your own, brand your name into my lips so that it's the only thing I can say.
and when you think you've had enough, I'll make you come
to your senses
savoring each sensation that slowly seduces your shivering skin
I'll make it hard
for you to leave
because the best distractions
are the ones left unsaid.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Again.
Seriously?
Seriously.
wait, SERIOUSLY?
you. of all people.
are you freaking kidding me?
now I know the world is messing with me.
because you're back in my life.
You, who I thought I could be in love with.
You, who occupied every thought in my mind for I don't even know how long
You, who I think of whenever I hear Halo, or Hot and Cold, or so many other damn songs that have now been ruined for me
You, who I can't walk around my own campus without thinking about
You, who always pops up in my head when I don't want you there
You, who is STILL my kryptonite
You. You are so damn stubborn. and confusing. and annoying and slow and stupid
and attractive. and amazing. and bright and easy to laugh with and so lifting to be around
I hate you.
that's not true.
I hate what you do to me.
I hate that even after all these years, I'm still so attached to you
that I still have feelings for you
I thought I buried them
six feet under, under new memories and more resolve and logic that i've already repeated to myself a thousand times
you're no good for me. you're no good for me. you're no good for me.
you don't know what's good for me.
but being around you makes me want to cry.
and i wish i knew why
maybe it's because you took so damn long
and i didn't even know I was waiting
maybe it's because you've put me through so much
maybe it's because I didn't know this is what I wanted until you offered it
maybe because after everything i've been through with everyone else
you're still something that I want
I want to know you. all of you.
I want you to hold me in your arms as I fall asleep and I want you to tell me it's alright when I have nightmares and I want you to tell me I'm pretty in the morning even when I know I'm not
I want me to be the first thing you see.
I want to roll over and think i'm still dreaming. that this is too great to be reality
I want to take a chance on everything that we could have been
I want to scream
at you
at full volume
how frustrated you make me
I want to yell
your name
from the rooftop of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you
and I was just plugging my ears for the last two years
I wish I had the courage
to ask you to make me yours
and I wish I could trust you
to know that you won't let me down
or hurt me again.
but I don't know anything.
and I don't even know if I can take a chance on this
as much as I want to
because your halo keeps getting caught on your horns
because you let the devil on your tongue do the talking too much
and I can never tell which version of you I'm going to get
So pick one, and stick with it.
learn to speak from your heart, not just your mind
and then
maybe
then we can talk.
Seriously.
wait, SERIOUSLY?
you. of all people.
are you freaking kidding me?
now I know the world is messing with me.
because you're back in my life.
You, who I thought I could be in love with.
You, who occupied every thought in my mind for I don't even know how long
You, who I think of whenever I hear Halo, or Hot and Cold, or so many other damn songs that have now been ruined for me
You, who I can't walk around my own campus without thinking about
You, who always pops up in my head when I don't want you there
You, who is STILL my kryptonite
You. You are so damn stubborn. and confusing. and annoying and slow and stupid
and attractive. and amazing. and bright and easy to laugh with and so lifting to be around
I hate you.
that's not true.
I hate what you do to me.
I hate that even after all these years, I'm still so attached to you
that I still have feelings for you
I thought I buried them
six feet under, under new memories and more resolve and logic that i've already repeated to myself a thousand times
you're no good for me. you're no good for me. you're no good for me.
you don't know what's good for me.
but being around you makes me want to cry.
and i wish i knew why
maybe it's because you took so damn long
and i didn't even know I was waiting
maybe it's because you've put me through so much
maybe it's because I didn't know this is what I wanted until you offered it
maybe because after everything i've been through with everyone else
you're still something that I want
I want to know you. all of you.
I want you to hold me in your arms as I fall asleep and I want you to tell me it's alright when I have nightmares and I want you to tell me I'm pretty in the morning even when I know I'm not
I want me to be the first thing you see.
I want to roll over and think i'm still dreaming. that this is too great to be reality
I want to take a chance on everything that we could have been
I want to scream
at you
at full volume
how frustrated you make me
I want to yell
your name
from the rooftop of my apartment
in hopes that you'll hear it
because my heart has been calling out to you
and I was just plugging my ears for the last two years
I wish I had the courage
to ask you to make me yours
and I wish I could trust you
to know that you won't let me down
or hurt me again.
but I don't know anything.
and I don't even know if I can take a chance on this
as much as I want to
because your halo keeps getting caught on your horns
because you let the devil on your tongue do the talking too much
and I can never tell which version of you I'm going to get
So pick one, and stick with it.
learn to speak from your heart, not just your mind
and then
maybe
then we can talk.
Svegliarsi la mattina
you sang to me, beautiful words I didn't understand
saying that first thing you wanted to do upon waking in the morning
was talk to me. only with me.
It took me a moment to realize that those were the lyrics
you weren't the one doing the talking
it felt so fucking perfect
but the universe just likes messing with me too much
to let this be easy
So open the door for me to be overly critical of myself
making me feel guilty for being less than perfect
wishing I could be exactly what you want
so i would never have to leave your arms
which felt so right that I never wanted to be anywhere else.
I'm so damn A.D.D.
but I like to say that I just think faster than everyone else
but you kept me entertained
for hours
I could sit at listen to you
all your stories unfolded in front of me
and I hung on your every word like my life depended on it.
remembered every detail of your life better than I remember what I did yesterday.
I never liked football
until it meant spending more time with you
now when the game comes on
I watch it, and wonder what you're thinking
but it's less fun when you're not around
to make fun of all the fumbles and slip ups
You were and are such a gentleman
too bad I don't speak etiquette.
now I'm hoping that we can still be friends
as dumb as that sounds
because i'm pretty sure that you don't want to be more than that anyways.
but just so you know...
I started making plans.
I knew better, but I did it anyway.
so now, when I hear that song
with the slow sweet guitar that serenades my mind
and syrupy lyrics that melt my heart
it makes me wish for things I can't have.
makes me angry that I've never been able to have them.
makes me wonder what I've done wrong to never be lucky enough to be in love.
saying that first thing you wanted to do upon waking in the morning
was talk to me. only with me.
It took me a moment to realize that those were the lyrics
you weren't the one doing the talking
it felt so fucking perfect
but the universe just likes messing with me too much
to let this be easy
So open the door for me to be overly critical of myself
making me feel guilty for being less than perfect
wishing I could be exactly what you want
so i would never have to leave your arms
which felt so right that I never wanted to be anywhere else.
I'm so damn A.D.D.
but I like to say that I just think faster than everyone else
but you kept me entertained
for hours
I could sit at listen to you
all your stories unfolded in front of me
and I hung on your every word like my life depended on it.
remembered every detail of your life better than I remember what I did yesterday.
I never liked football
until it meant spending more time with you
now when the game comes on
I watch it, and wonder what you're thinking
but it's less fun when you're not around
to make fun of all the fumbles and slip ups
You were and are such a gentleman
too bad I don't speak etiquette.
now I'm hoping that we can still be friends
as dumb as that sounds
because i'm pretty sure that you don't want to be more than that anyways.
but just so you know...
I started making plans.
I knew better, but I did it anyway.
so now, when I hear that song
with the slow sweet guitar that serenades my mind
and syrupy lyrics that melt my heart
it makes me wish for things I can't have.
makes me angry that I've never been able to have them.
makes me wonder what I've done wrong to never be lucky enough to be in love.
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