Chaos pt 2

In the last seven days
I have seen you three times
for a total of 22 hours
but if I could count the amount of time that I think of you when you're not around
that last number would be a lot bigger

and last year I stumbled upon a quote by Nietzsche
You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star
I knew it was beautiful but I didn't fully understand it
part of me knew I was supposed to be moved by it
but it never really sunk in
until I met you

you have so much chaos in your soul that you've given rise to entire galaxies
and I feel like I'm just sitting here in the dark
always trying to find serenity
walk along the path back to my center
leaving chaos as the ultimate indulgence
like the last piece of seven layer chocolate cake
I would only consume it on rare occasions
but the frosting would be too thick or the flavor would be too rich
and I would always leave it half finished
never fully enjoying my slice

until you appeared.
well, you didn't really appear so much as you were already there
and I was the one to walk in
lock eyes with you
and see that there was something burning behind your tiger lily eyes
the thing I didn't know about having chaos in your soul
is that it transforms you into someone on fire
and you were keeping the flames just below your skin
it was the most beautiful dance of embers I've ever seen.

you ripped apart the airwaves between us
and i couldn't help moving to the new music of dissonance.

In the last seven days, I have seen you three times for a total of twenty two hours.
but the time that I'm going to be spending thinking about you in the years to come
is a number that I don't want to think about.

Magnets

This is something I hope I don't have to read again.
Something I hope I don't have to write again.
Because I can't tell you everything
so I'll keep you here
pressed between the pages in my mind
and the space between my fingers and the keys that would type
please don't leave me.

I can already tell that I'm going to miss you more than I can even begin to understand.
but you have nothing to give me, and I have nothing to give you.
but we are opposite sides of the same magnet
we make a complete circle.
and yet, we form the point that the circle will be broken at
in less than a week.

To say that I value your time is an understatement.
moments with you are currently my most precious commodity
and I can't get enough of them.

You don't understand why I'm here.
You think I'm bat shit insane.
Well, I probably am.
but that doesn't change the fact that you make my whole body sing.
my soul starts trilling when you walk in the room
my mind bounces around gleefully when your name lights up the screen on my phone
hell, I've even actually sung in front of you.

I feel comfortable around you.
and I know that you've had enough people tell you that to make it sound old
but I'm not like that
I don't get comfortable
I don't let my guards down
I don't walk away from the strength that I've been building for so long.

I'm trying to figure out what we're creating
so that I can understand what I'm going to take away from all of this
but I think it's going to be wordless, nameless, faceless

So here's to hoping that I won't miss you too much.
that you won't get buried too deep into me
that pulling you out won't break too many things
I promised that you wouldn't hurt me
and I stand by that.
I'll probably end up hurting myself by accident
but if we can both heal a few fissures
patch together some of our jagged earthquake cracks
then this will be worth it.

Chaos

You have these tiger lily eyes that like to hide their stripes
I used to be afraid of the power behind them until I heard the stories in your fingertips
Until I read the Braille in your palms
Until I discovered the history of your skin

You are a natural disaster of creative destruction
You are a whirlwind that wound it's way into my life
An earthquake that rips apart my self controlled tectonic plates
A boiling rolling volcano of a person that engulfs me in heat when I stand too close

You call yourself the god of chaos
Which makes me the goddess of serenity
Where you create mayhem, I find harmony
Where you supply dissonance, I dance to a new music
Where you see an end with destruction, I find a beginning in fresh growth

But I want to know what it feels like for there to be chaos in my soul
What it feels like to be on fire
I've written of heat before
But only you can make sparks scatter up my skeleton
Embers glow under my skin
And flames of passion flicker in the windows of my eyes or the doors of my fingertips

Let me trace the maps of your body
Call me a cartographer
I want to know the rivers of energy in your veins
The rise and fall of your mountainous chest
The deserts that appeared in your past when you were deserted

Let me dance with you
Between the stars until we create a supernova
We'll light up the night sky
Astronomers will know our names
And even the moon will be jealous
But we'll speak to her in a foreign tongue
And call her La Lun so she knows we're calling her crazy

Let me speak your language without using any words
Because this moment is a dangerous dynamic dynamite stick
That changes every time you move
Every time you move me
There is a tempting tantalizing tingling that takes over me
I'm positionally pressed, physically and psychologically paralyzed
Playing hide and seek until we're both lost in the moment

I want to dive into the pools of your mind
Leg your tsunami waves of thoughts crash over me and the riptide pull me under
Or I'll throw pebbles into the ponds of ideas and watch the ripples kiss the banks
I want you to be abl to see the wildfire under my skin, a red pink flush that slowly overcomes me like a summer sunset reflects on the clouds
Because you are an afternoon in the middle of august and I am a double scoop of butterscotch ice cream
I melt when you come near me

On good days, I like to think I can call myself a poet
But when I'm surrounded by nights full of talent, I just feel like a girl with a pencil who's lucky enough to have an audience listen to her stories
So this poem is for you
Letting you know that im not sure where my trail of ink will lead
But I want to write you into my story anyways
I know what I'm getting myself into, if you trust me on this
I'm waiting for your fuse to ignite
I'm ready.

Crushed Velvet

I want to sleep with you.
Not sleep with you with you, but sleep next to you
lay my head down next to yours
fall asleep to the lullaby of our heartbeats intwining
and let your eyes be the first thing I see
I don't want to wake up to the sun anymore
because I want my world to revolve around you.

and I want to hold your hand
not just have fingers interlock like the teeth of a zipper
but I want you to lead me forward
challenge me, push me
make me want to be better just by being around you

and I want to kiss you
not just let lips exchange love letters and set sparks that crackle up my spine
but touch you gently with the most sensitive part of me
to let you know that I want to know your skin
because my fingers just aren't enough to know the maps of your body
so call me a cartographer
because I want to know every single rise and fall of your mountainous chest
every river of passion that you have flowing under your skin
and every desert that appeared in your past when you were deserted

because I'm not just another girl
I know who you are and I see who you're about to become
like our life timelines have always been running towards each other
and I can't help feeling like the luckiest girl in the world
whenever I see you smile at me
with dimples so deep
little notches in your cheeks
that I didn't notice for a while
because I couldn't look at anything besides your eyes.
when another girl looks at you
I want to say that her eyes don't have
the ability, the courage, the privilege to gaze upon you
because when I look at you
I see more than your enchanting smile
I see a future I never expected
a friendship beyond measure
and a depth that I thought I would only find in philosophies of religion

but honestly, I hear you unexpectedly
my mind recalls the sound of your poetry
and how I wish you'd written it about me
and your voice that sounds like crushed velvet when you sing
so luxuriously smooth but with an edge to it
every time I listen to Ordinary People
i want you to realize
that I'm not an ordinary person
but I want to be your ordinary person
and we can blend in together

or we could stand up on rooftops and shout at the hordes of sheep
that they need to think for themselves
that there are so many things in this world to care about
and they just have to pick one
or even just make loud noises for the hell of it

so I'll leave you with this.
If I was going to be love drunk off one intoxication, it would be you.
If I was going to be satisfied with one love, it would be yours.
If I was going to write one love poem, this would be it.
not than I know what love is though
I keep my heart quiet
learned how to make it stay silent
but for you?
my heart would sing.


I like to think that I'm independent
that I don't need anyone to help me through my life
but I can't help thinking that I want you.
I don't need you, but I want you.
next to me.
with me.
because my heart usually stays quiet
it learned to be silent
but for you?
for you, my heart would sing.

From Babushka

Granddaughter, you are now a young woman
that I remember so well as just a little girl in flowery dresses at easter time
and black velvet outfits during Christmas.
Our relationship thrived during the holidays
when multiple families were crowded in the living room and the kitchen
but the children were always running around and exploring
up and down the stairs
inside the house and out on the balconies
weaving through the obstacles of legs that belonged to mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers
and your grandfather would act like a child
chasing you all around like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk
the house was filled with the smells of cooking and the sounds of catching up conversations that appeared so spontaneously and sounded like sweet melodies
family gatherings are just relatives creating poetry without writing anything down.

I remember your little legs, granddaughter
always moving even when you sat down
kicking and thumping at the edge of the chair
or tucked up underneath your body
like you had to put your whole weight on them in order to get them to hold still
always running, spinning, jumping, or dancing
I hope you never stop dancing.
Even if there is no music, let your heart sink down into your feet
and feel the rhythm in your toes
let it carry you away from all the worries of daily life
whisk you away into a floating fantasy land
where your only partner is your happiness.
If you are lucky enough to find a person who can dance to your rhythm
hold him close
and know that it's just as much fun to fly around the dance floor like your feet are made of the clouds
as it is to sway slowly, pressed cheek to cheek
hand to hand
and most importantly,
heart to heart

I'm smiling down on you, you know.
I think you can feel me, some days
when the sun kisses your face softly
and the breeze is at your back
gently nudging you forward
and your lungs pull in all the life that surrounds you
and you'll see my grace in the butterflies and hear my laughter in the spring sparrow's song

So i'll leave you with this last thought
Always stay hungry for more
have an appetite for knowledge and greatness that you never allow to be satisfied
read quietly when you get the chance
but don't forget that change is made by raising your voice
and while you'll find that change is inevitable
my presence will remain constant
I'm part of the heartbeat baseline that you'll find yourself moving to
a steady rise and fall of your chest that fits in time
with a universal rhythym,
know that I'm there.
know that I'm here.
so even if your feet get tired
if your legs get weak
or your heart gets heavy
keep them light with hope for a fresh start tomorrow morning
and I hope that you never stop dancing.

Letter to Grandma

I don't know how I'm supposed to know what you would say.
I know what i want you to say.
actually, that's a lie
I just want to hear your voice again
hear your laughter that made your entire face break out into a beacon of sunshine
and innocent happiness that made me feel like a little girl all over again

I wish I knew more of your story, Babushka.
The only things I can hold onto as concrete memories
are the decorative plates that used to line the walls of your home
and the baking pans in strange shapes
like a fish and a bird
shiny copper that I would run my tiny fingers over
there were more shapes
but I can't see them now.
Can't remember what they felt like.

and that's what I'm afraid of
afraid that I'll forget what you felt like
when I would run into your embrace
it felt like hugging a cirrus cloud
you were so far above me, so beautiful, and so delicate
in elemental harmony
you always felt so centered to me

I want to honor your with my words
and more so, with my actions
so I'm going to try to speak as though I have all your wisdom and years of experience
but I'm also speaking out of how much I love you and miss you.

Keep dancing.

I remember

I tried to forget you.
Really, I did.
Tried to wipe away the permanent marker stains that you left on my skin
tried to wash off the bright red branded marks from my inner thighs of your name
tried to clean my chest of the weight that's been here ever since that night.

Did you know that I still can't talk about it?
I remember every single detail with shimmering crystal clarity
and I wish that I didn't.
but I know the paths that your fingertips cut into my body
I still remember your voice
pushing me past my breaking point
because I told you
no.
so you asked again
and I told you, no.
but then you asked again,
and something in my head switched
I hesitatingly said yes
because apparently, no didn't mean no.
"I don't want to" doesn't mean anything to you.

I don't think you fully understand the effect that you had on me
like now, I can't trust any guy who looks my way
I question if he has an ulterior motive
and that his sincere compliments are just his way of getting into my pants.
It was because of you that I thought my boyfriend of three months was going to rape me.
It was because of you that I'm scared to let anyone touch me.
Because of you that I feel so damaged, so broken
you shattered my mind and left me to pick up the pieces
but I cut my hands when I tried to put my dignity back together
so I let the tears bleed from my eyes when I realized
that you took something from me
and I don't know what it's called
but I know I can never get it back.

I tried to forget you, you know.
I really did.
But you've branded yourself into the base of my skull
built a home in my long term memory
you're going to show up in every future relationship I have
when I have to be completely honest
and let someone know
that I've been sexually assaulted.