I remember

I tried to forget you.
Really, I did.
Tried to wipe away the permanent marker stains that you left on my skin
tried to wash off the bright red branded marks from my inner thighs of your name
tried to clean my chest of the weight that's been here ever since that night.

Did you know that I still can't talk about it?
I remember every single detail with shimmering crystal clarity
and I wish that I didn't.
but I know the paths that your fingertips cut into my body
I still remember your voice
pushing me past my breaking point
because I told you
no.
so you asked again
and I told you, no.
but then you asked again,
and something in my head switched
I hesitatingly said yes
because apparently, no didn't mean no.
"I don't want to" doesn't mean anything to you.

I don't think you fully understand the effect that you had on me
like now, I can't trust any guy who looks my way
I question if he has an ulterior motive
and that his sincere compliments are just his way of getting into my pants.
It was because of you that I thought my boyfriend of three months was going to rape me.
It was because of you that I'm scared to let anyone touch me.
Because of you that I feel so damaged, so broken
you shattered my mind and left me to pick up the pieces
but I cut my hands when I tried to put my dignity back together
so I let the tears bleed from my eyes when I realized
that you took something from me
and I don't know what it's called
but I know I can never get it back.

I tried to forget you, you know.
I really did.
But you've branded yourself into the base of my skull
built a home in my long term memory
you're going to show up in every future relationship I have
when I have to be completely honest
and let someone know
that I've been sexually assaulted.