Wishing Well

I wish I could see you again.
I wish I could hear your voice, low and calming.
I wish I was yours.
I wish I woke up next to you today.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I could tell you all of this.
I wish you knew what I'm feeling.
I wish I didn't have to pretend I'm okay.
I wish I could forget.
I wish that I'll always remember exactly how you were.
I wish you would take it back.
I wish you could take it back.
I wish I didn't want this still.

I wish I could make all these wishes come true.

Numb and Broken

Two days.
I'm still here. I'm alright so far.
Except that I find myself either having multiple breakdowns in one day, or not being able to cry at all.
Except seeing you and pretending like I'm okay.
Except not knowing if I can talk to you at all.
Except falling asleep alone.

Alone.
That's what I am.
Not in the literal sense; I have so much support from those who love me.
But physically... in terms of my heart.
It was yours, you know.
I was falling for you so hard and I didn't even realize it.

You didn't want it to end, did you?
Neither did I. That's why I didn't bring it up.
Now I'm left with the ticking of my keys against the music that I can't turn off.
Songs that remind me of you. Songs I've sung with you. Songs that you've sung to me.
Songs that we listened to as things came to an end.

It ended.
That's what happened.
Two nights ago, exactly.
Sometime around midnight. It ended.
You left. I should have asked you to stay for one more night, but I just wanted you to leave and let me pick up what dignity I could.
I wanted you to think I was strong.
I'm not that strong, you know. I can pretend I'm okay just as well as you can.
I hate pretending. I want to get out of here

Leave this place.
That's what I want to do.
I want to go to a city where no one knows me, where no one knows my story.
Where I can start from scratch. Where I don't have to think about you every second that I'm awake.
I dream about you, too. The one refuge that I have from my mind- you appear there too. I can't quite recall the dreams I have when I'm sleeping, but I know the ones that I think of when I'm awake.
The dreams that I'd learn how to do a handstand. That I'd teach you how to meditate. That we were going to take a day and bike down to the beach. That I would take you stargazing.

Stargazing.
I never got to take you.
If there's one thing I regret, it's that.
I wish I had taken you. I wish it had been warm enough to go.
So I could wrap myself in blankets and your arms.
To gaze at the stars and not think about anything but the moment.
How perfect it would have been. Me, laying across your strong warm chest. You, with your arm around me, murmuring the sweetest kind of nothings in my ear.

Warmth. Comfort. Security.
that's what's gone. I don't know who to run to now that I'm upset.
I hurt. So much.
but I don't know what to do. I can't curl up next to you anymore.
Instead, I curl up under my cold sheets and cry. I cry until my chest hurts.
I remind myself to breathe.
I used to have to do that when you were next to me.
You took my breath, my words, and my thoughts away when you were near me.
I still remember you. I don't want to forget you.

I remember all of you.
I remember your strong, broad chest. Your soft skin that stretched taut over your arms when I would run my fingers over them.
The indentations of your stomach, leading me down to where you were waiting for me.
Your inner thighs, tensed with anticipation.
Soft brown hair that covered your body. I never found that attractive until I became yours.
Your strong hands that would reach for me and pull me close to you.
The scruff and stubble that you would rub against my neck and my chest just to hear me scream and giggle with delight.
How you used to tickle me until I couldn't breathe.
That soft but intense look in your eyes you gave me when you closed the door.
I remember knowing that you were mine.
But you're not.
Not anymore.

You're "single". So am I, I guess.
But in all honesty, my heart still belongs to you. For now.
At risk of sounding cliched, a piece of it will always belong to you.
As for now, I'm just trying to hide the part that's missing. The part that's broken.
Because it is. It's broken.
There, I've said it.

Broken.
That's how my heart feels.
That's why I feel that dull ache in the middle of my chest whenever I think about you.
Whenever I see you. Whenever I hear your voice.
I don't know how to deal with this.

Numb.
That's how my mind feels.
I can't cry anymore. I just can't.
I've spent so much time thinking about it; I just want to be done with this already.
I want to know that you're alright so I can move on.
I guess you are. But that's all I can do- guess.

I guess I'll be okay too.

Can't or won't? I'm not sure.

Something about actually seeing that you're "single" cuts me deeper than I thought it would have.
Something about seeing all my friends in official relationships stings more than it should.
Listening to these songs over and over can't be good for me.
I really should sleep. Or stop thinking. Or both.
Both of those are hard to do when I miss you so much.

Never saw it coming.

So unexpected. I still don't understand.
I hope understanding will come with time, and with healing.
I'm hurting. and I don't understand.
I asked the world to help me. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying not to miss you, but it's so hard.
I won't think about it. I won't think about you. I won't. I won't. I keep telling myself I won't.
But there you are; you're everywhere I look. You're the music that keeps playing, you're the smell of incense that still lingers in my room.

You're such a big part of my life. of me. How can I let you go? How can I move on?
I'm trying to move past this, but I'm just starting to feel the tugging at the bottom of my chest that lets me know I'm alone.
I miss you.
There, I said it.
I feel like I made the wrong choice. I want you back. I want you here. I want your body next to mine. I want to wake up to your face, I want to wake up in your arms.
I can't run to you anymore, can I?

I thought I was special to you. I thought I meant something.
I did, I guess. You say I did. You say you care about me.
But you can't fall in love with me. Well, I never thought that it would last forever... It crossed my mind a few times though.
I really like being with you. I like spending time with you. I don't know how to deal with losing you.
It's just as hard, seeing you hurt over losing me.
I'm going to be strong through this and not talk to you. I'm going to give us space, even though it's the last thing I want.
I want to run down to your door and pull you close to me; ask you to reconsider.
But that's not who I am. That's not who you are.
I'm here. You're there. You're not going to change. and I'm not going to wait.

I'm an amazing girlfriend, I know I am.
Still, it hurts like hell. Can't I just be mad at you instead? Can't you go do somethign to piss me off and make me hate you?
No, I wouldn't want that. It would make it easier, but this is going to be better in the long run.
I guess I just have to get used to this dull aching in my chest.
I guess I have to start forgetting you.
I guess I have to move on.

But that doesn't mean I want to.

Cascades

Why is it that I feel the most alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me the most?
Maybe not so much alone just as let down. By people i thought i could count on to be who they said they would be... but words are always easier than actions.

I drove home tonight, then turned around and kept driving. I drove along the country roads and attempted to lose myself among the stars.
It was a full moon tonight. It shone on my face as I followed the curves of the road, trying to pick out individual thoughts. Eventually, I stopped. I stepped out of my car in the middle of nowhere- surrounded by empty land on both sides- and lied down in the middle of the road.
I stared up into the night sky. I listened to the soft trilling of the Killdeers and the gentle murmurs of the frogs. I watched as one, then two cars drove to unknown destinations.
I was totally and completely alone. I let my thoughts cascade over one another, crashing and flowing of their own accord.
I looked up at the bright, shining moon, and I actually saw it. I listened to the sounds of nature that are all around, and I actually heard them. I actually felt the stars and the cold wind on my skin. I tasted the confusion and hesitation on my tongue.

I have my flaws, my minute imperfections. I try to be the best person that I can, but I can't help feeling confused/lost/afraid at times.
Confused as to who I should really have in my life. Lost for words when I try to talk about things that have happened. And afraid that I'm going to lose someone or that I'm not going in the right direction for my future.

The only way to truly express how I feel is with the complementary melodies of a piano song.
I want to stay home, where I belong... Yet I feel a tug on my heartstrings to return to the new home that I have created.
Can't I just sleep for a while and wait until all this passes?
I'm too young to be thinking this much. When will it be acceptable for me to not be looked upon as a child anymore?
When can I make my own decisions without someone remarking about my age?
When is it appropriate for me to assert what I want to do for the rest of my life?
When is it acceptable for me to say that I'm in love and not have people scoff at it?
I wouldn't know; I've never been in love.
I thought I was, once... But that's a different story entirely.

I'm in love with what I do; with the world around me. It changes constantly yet it's unpredictability is what fascinates me the most at times.
Maybe it's along the path that I know I'll follow that I'll find the answers to these questions... Or maybe it will lead me to more questions.
Still, it'll be one interesting journey to have.

For me, It's you.

You've only been gone for three days. Three long days.
Two nights I've spent without curling up next to you. Without waking up, hearing you say good morning, and watching you laugh and try to tame my mess of hair.
You say your family loves me. They say I'm a keeper... Well, I already knew I am but I'm so happy that they can see that. Can you see that? Do you see that? Are you going to keep me around in your life past what you know how to do with your heart?

Neither of us are being taught anything about love. We learn no philosophy, no poetry, no songs written by past lovers. I immerse myself in the light of life around me, you surround yourself with forces and calculations. Both strongly attached to science (and other nerdy things), yet both finding each other.
We're in an unknown field. I never saw you coming. You said you thought I was out of your league... Until you learned that a personality existed beneath the colorful exterior that, I admit, can be rather intimidating.

I'm so used to being on my own, to depending on myself. I keep my persona quite strong regardless of who I am surrounded by- something I learned the hard way over the years. Except now... I have you to lean on. You tug my hand when I start falling behind, you hold me when I need comfort, you talk to me when I need to be quieted, and you sit in silence when I need to speak. You're such a big part of my world; my heart is so happy because it is tied to yours.
I don't know how to fall in love. I don't know if you know how to either... I guess we can learn together and teach each other along the way.

I miss you. All the time. I'm terrible at leaving your side, but I do so only because I know I'll return soon.
It's been three days. Three incredibly long and somewhat empty days. I'm not sure what to do with how I feel.

I can't wait to be in your arms again. For the first time, I feel like I belong next to someone. Next to you. I belong nestled against your chest, listening to the gentle rhythm of your heart as it matches mine.
I can't wait to stop missing you.

The way I fall for you.

Thoughts of you criss cross in my mind like ice skaters on a pond. I stare at them in wonder, asking myself how this has come to be.

Three months have gone by since you first revealed to me that you had feelings for me. Does it feel like a long time? I'm not sure what it feels like. It feels like I've spent the last quarter of a year with you by my side... Admittedly, it took me a while to get used to it and accept that it was real. that YOU were real. that how you felt about me was real. IS real.

You tell me that I'm beautiful. That you don't know how you got a girl like me.
What or who is a "girl like me" exactly? I mean, I know who I am to me, but who am I to you?
That's a question that shouldn't be answered right now.

You make my head rush and my heart pound. I can't focus when you're in the room with me.
I'm not scared anymore. Do you know that?
I'm falling for you, you know. A little more every day.
It's all in the little things. The way you look at me just before you lean over to kiss me, the way you touch my side when I lie next to you, the way you laugh when I put my foot in my mouth (again). The way you look against my pillows when I wake up next to you. The way you call me when you miss me. The way you tell me to look foxy, knowing that I love being girly. The way you throw me in the pool even though I'm screaming for you to put me down. The way you hold my hand when we walk around.
The way you hold me... I feel so safe. I'm comfortable.
I want to spend a day with you just doing nothing. Spend the day in bed, or watching movies, or just staring at clouds.

I never thought that you'd be mine or I'd be yours. I never thought I'd be okay with belonging to someone... But I'm yours. I can't see anyone else because my mind's eye is stuck on you.
It's a bit annoying,really. There are times when I'd rather focus on what I'm doing rather than having my mind wander off to think about you.

You accept me as I am. Every crazy story, every dorky attribute, every small scar on my body, everything. It sounds corny, but I'm going ahed with it anyway- you helped me trust again.
So now I ask you, please, please don't take this away from me.
I'm falling too hard for you to go back now.