If only

You sent me a picture of a fire truck because you know I appreciate your strange obsession with them.
I said that it looked quite majestic, but I acknowledged the fact that you're a bit "special".
you said, isn't that what makes me loveable?

If only you knew how right you were, and how special you really were to me.
I say were, not are
because I haven't seen you in over two months.
and I'm not sure if you had a terrible accident, or your phone broke, or you were kidnapped
but you hit the light switch on your way out of my life
you left me in the dark.

If only you knew just how loveable that your quirks make you
and how willing I was to let you know that
to say all the words that usually get stuck in my throat until I cough them out
like I'm allergic to the truth.

If only you knew that whenever my phone lights up with your name
it feels like there are little lightning bugs crawling on my skin
just for a moment, and then they're gone.
Just like you.

You came into my life in a full on surprise attack
swept me off my feet entirely
but I guess your arms got tired, because you dropped me so fast.

I remember when we stayed up to watch the sun rise
and start reaching fingers of morning light through the cracks in my blinds
and I curled up against your chest out of sheer exhaustion
I remember how it felt to fall asleep to the lullaby of your heartbeat.
I woke up, only to think that I was still dreaming
because you seemed too good to be a reality.
I remember how you sang to me in Italian
a sweet love song that I didn't understand
about how you would love to speak only with me
but I didn't know then what I know now
you weren't singing to me, just to an unknown audience

So what exactly did I mean to you?
but I don't need your english to italian dictionary to understand
that I was never your amante
even though you called me cara mia, your darling

So when I tell you that you're special
and you ask me if that's what makes you loveable
the answer is yes.
It's always been yes.

but I don't think you'll ever understand
so I'll just pretend like I was speaking in sarcasm
because you never really knew how to feel the emotions in my words
in the first place.

Over

You have bruised my ego on six separate occasions
broken my heart at least twice
lied to me for eleven days straight
about three different things.

You were the almost lover that I kept on waiting for
but you got drunk with the clock
you wasted my time.

You swung your wrecking ball lack of compassion all over my sorry self
until I was left trying to rebuild cities I didn't even know existed
you poisoned my mind with your serpents tongue; you decieved me.

You never loved me
and based on your spiteful and vindictive actions
i'm not even sure if you liked me.

You never had the courage to make me yours
so I can't even call you my Ex
so instead, I'll call you my Y
for Why did I waste my time? Why did I ever believe you were a good idea?
Why did you think this was all just a game?

and I doubt that you'll say you're sorry
but just in case you think of handing me an apology
let me tell you right now
that you can keep it
along with all your other insincerities and illogical bullshit
like your
make time for your frat bros and sorority sisters but not me bullshit
that breaking my heart freshman year doesn't count because you didn't have your life together yet bullshit
that not deciding to help me through one of the hardest time in my life because you were too busy bullshit
that not treating me the way I know I deserve to be treated bullshit
that bashing on my poetry because you don't understand what it means to speak from the heart bullshit.

You can't say you're surprised,
I warned you that if you didn't figure it out
there would be consequences.
you looked at me and said
oh, like you'll get a boyfriend?
no, I meant that I won't be in your life anymore.
that I won't put up with this anymore
that I'll finally snap to my senses and drop you faster than a shitty GE class

and since when is my personal life any of your damn business,
when you never made me a part of yours?
so I might get lucky enough to find someone
who knows what they want from me
and isn't afraid to say it
who doesn't just hold my hand when no one is looking
who brags to their friends about me
instead of just telling them about the drama
who actually calls me before 1 am
when they're sober
not looking for anything
just to talk
who takes a moment to realize
that I might be grieving even if tears aren't flowing
and let me know that I have their support
who acts like a real fucking friend.

because you never did.

and I was too stubborn to realize that you never would.

So this would be goodbye, but there's nothing good about it
I'd let you know that this is the end, but I'm pretty sure that already happened when you chose a new social life over people who have had your back since day one.
I'd say that I'm over it, but I'm not. I'm beyond it.
and if you think I'm being cruel, or unfair, or hasty
remember that I made excuses for you when you made it hard to do so
I waited for you but you wore down my patience
I gave you my trust and you just gave me headaches of problems that were all caused by you.

So now when I say i'm done, I mean it.
Done with your drunken antics
done with your bipolar, rollercoaster, twisted excuses of emotions
done with believing we could ever have a functional friendship
done with the lies that you gave to me like they were gifts
I'm done with you.

Secrets

Can I tell you a secret?

I thought I could fall in love with you.
I believed that our souls had been paired together long before life was breathed into our bodies
I saw my future spent in your arms
everything I wanted reflected in your bright blue eyes
I wrote volumes about you, but I guess it wasn't loud enough for you to hear.
Every piece of me was screaming at the highest tone for me to listen to my heart
but geography can't be changed; there was an entire ocean between us.

Can I tell you a secret?

I had a dream about you the other night.
I finally saw you again, I leapt into your embrace and willed you to never let me go
and you smiled at me like you just then understood what happiness feels like
you held me and whispered promises of tomorrow
that lingered on my ears like ladybugs
only to fly away once I opened my eyes
finding that I had reached out in front of me to find nothing there.
Awake and alone.

Can I tell you a secret?

I miss you.
It was a constant pain in my chest before
but now it's a dull ache
that stabs at me whenever I see your picture
or remember your voice
or the way that you would stay awake to talk to me
because for once, our dreams weren't better than reality.
You asked me why I play with my hair
and I said I was nervous.

Can I tell you a secret?

I still don't understand why you ended it.
One day you take a chance on something we both knew wouldn't work
and the next, you explain that you've "met someone else"
like she can measure up to me
how I make you feel
she can't challenge you like I do
can't make you blush like I do
can't want to be with you like I did.
but you can wrap your arms around her
you wanted a more tangible love interest.

Can I tell you a secret?

I never held back with you.
I unlocked the chains I'd put across my lips
after years of learning that boys only have one thing on their mind
and being stupid enough to believe them when they say otherwise
I trusted you.
I was hopeful enough that you wouldn't become the person that you did
that you wouldn't leave me with nothing
not even a way to cope with your absence
It's been exactly one year since we crossed paths.
and ever since then, I've been wishing that we never had.
Because then I wouldn't miss you so much
or still be angry with you
and I wouldn't know that you're still out there
I wouldn't know exactly what I want.

So, can I tell you a secret?

No, I can't. Because I already told you everything.

Butterflies

The heat in the sky is changing
rising like the midnight tide
silently, slowly, steadily
shifting to reach it's peak
and in this transition phase
new life abounds

the white jagged peaks that punctuated the skyline
like exclamation points to the landscape's eternal sentence
have begun to soften
into commas and ellipses
leading you on
to the next part of the storyline
you lean in to their newly green lips
awaiting their secrets

Snowy banks have melted into promises of energy
willingly winding wide set roads
of rivers rushing
streams shushing
and brooks blushing
filling up like color in an adolescent's cheeks
skipping skating skittering skilled skeletons
that trace their way like vivid varicose veins
racing for a finish line that's just out of reach
hurrying home to the sea
that accepts all with open honest salt water fingertips

water that percolates into the warm soil
earth that radiates life into tiny green shoots
who have the bravery to poke their tips into the light
to be curled up in comfort with the shimmering rays of spring sun
and lulled to sleep by the moon and her tinkling teardrops of stars
that look more like holes to heaven
or angels' halos seen from a distance with eyes not strong enough
to fully see things that are beyond our comprehension

thick twinkling night lights that are mimicked by the soft pink buds
jasmine flowers that perfume the air
until all are drunk off the sweet savory scent
petals that flutter in the breeze like a little girl's skirt
swaying along to the same melody as the butterflies
that drift like little scraps of silk
accent marks of color in otherwise invisible air
flurries of shimmering blue spirals
black and orange winged ocean like waves
only pausing to sip the nectar of the moment
the sweetest moments in life

They may take a moment to alight upon a fingertip
or the edge of a mind
but are easily born away with the breeze
that is filled with a new warmth
wind that is whispering wild wishes
and quiet promises
of the next dawn.

Physics and butterflies

I can't focus.
When I need to the most.
I have a final tomorrow.
at 1:30 pm.
My hardest final.

goddamn mother fucking physics.
Electromagnetism bullshit
and I know I'm going to get it and be like OH I KNOW THIS
for about half of it
and the other half is just going to get a giant WTF reaction
and I feel like I should try to prevent that
but at the same time
I don't know how
because it just doesn't quite stick in my brain
so maybe I'll just keep writing down equations
like those little letters means something
beyond force and electric fields and gravity

but it just puts me to sleep
I would rather talk about the rainforests and the treetops and the leaf litter and the birds and the fungi and the insects and the butterflies
I love butterflies
they're so beautiful and unique
like little scraps of silk floating on the wind

I wish I could be a butterfly.

Reclaiming power

Why not?
One. I don't need a man to feel completed, I operate under my own command and I follow my own manual.
Two. I don't know where your hands have been, fingertips that have a tendency to wander past the point of indecency.
Three. If your skill at spitting game is any indication of your ability to use your lips, then I'm pretty sure that I'm not interested anyway.
Four. You asked me, baby why not? Why not just give this night a shot?
I'll tell you. I prefer to wake up in my own bed without regrets from the night before.
Five. You say my name like you're talking about your favorite stripper.
Six. I'm surprised you remember my name at all.
Seven. I don't care about your affections or who's an object of them. In case you forgot to notice, I'm a woman- not an object.
Eight. It's been said before- My short skirt is not and invitation, a provocation, or
an indication that I want it, or give it, or that I hook.
Nine. I'm pretty sure that you don't care about my major or my family or how my week has been, because you keep staring about a foot below where my eyes are.
Ten. Because I respect myself. Because I like to dance like there are diamonds between my thighs. Because I don't need your eyes or fingers to crawl over my skin like cockroaches. Because I don't want to. Because I don't want to. Because I don't want to.
That should be enough reason for you.
But it wasn't.

My lack of interested only made you push harder; you believed that you had a right to what is rightfully mine.
Playing with my psyche like it was a new toy, toying with my better judgment because you knew I was already inebriated and prevented from spilling sweet soliloquies from my toungue about the fact that I can do better.
that when you asked to feel your skin next to mine, I didn't want to.

but you kept asking, why not?
and I couldn't come up with a reason.

So I'm standing up here, two years later and a hell of a lot stronger
Stripping my past down in front of strangers
and I'm more naked in front of this crowd than I ever was in front of you
because I'm up here by choice.

So this is the only moment you'll get in my memory
knowing that the scars you left on my body in invisible ink weren't strong enough to resist the eraser of my own conviction that this wasn't my fault.
that your idea of a good time required me to feel broken and shamed for months afterwards.
I walk with my head high
and a glow behind my eyes
because you don't have any power over me.

After all, that's all this was from the beginning-
you took a hold of the wheel and steered that night to a place I thought I'd ever end up
but I'm the only licensed pilot of my confidence, of my future, of myself
so you want a reason for why not?
I couldn't think of any when I needed to
but now I realize
that I didn't have to give you one.
and you know what?
I still don't.

because I don't want to.

Relapse

You were the everything that I never had
The future that I wanted to believe in
You were my disney fairy tale come true.

There was a part of me that just... knew.
it killed me, not being able to see you or touch you or hold you
just talk. Just see your face and you could see mine
we'd talk until the sun came up
that was the only thing that I relied on
that the sun would continue to rise
because then it would have set where you were
and I hoped that you would dream of me.

Because I tried to dream of you every night
it was the only way that I could feel close to you.
We were separated by an entire ocean
and now, I'm not sure why I decided to give it a shot in the first place

But as of this morning, I understand my emotionally skewed logic.
See, you popped up in my dreams again.
I realized what was about to happen, and then you were there.
Every detail became clear. Your eyes light up and I ran to you.
Finally, you held me in your arms.
You picked me up and carried me away from everything.

All I could think was "finally. finally. This is so right."
I miss you so much.

Of all the people that have asked for my heart,
you're one of the only ones who didn't.
but I gave it to you anyway.
I took a chance on something that I knew couldn't work but I was hoping that we'd prove them all wrong
Only to have you throw it back in my face.

Telling me that you found someone else
but what I heard
was that I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't worth it.

I was willing to cross oceans for you
Willing to change my life for you
willing to do anything for you
and that wasn't enough?

I've never been in love, but talking to you felt pretty damn close.
I never had words to describe you- or to describe us.

and I've pretended like I'm alright with how things ended, but I'm not.
You dropped me like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to you.

When even now, the mention of you while I'm sleeping
throws me into full mental chaos

I ached to be near you. It was a constant pain somewhere in my chest that felt like I was being tugged to the East
being tugged towards you.
So I would go to the beach just to stand in the water
and stare out at the barrier that prevented me from getting closer to you.
I cursed mother nature and father time for placing us so far apart
but I hoped that when the water came up to kiss your legs
that you would somehow feel me there with you.

I still miss you.
I'm still hoping that our paths cross again in the future
but please, stop haunting me.
Don't appear out of nowhere to remind me of everything I never had.
Let me be.