Happiness

I don't know this girl.
She looks pretty.
She has a sincere smile and a stud nose piercing
She currently lives in the same city as you
and for some reason,
I think she likes you.

Maybe it was the post on your facebook wall
that I was stalking
because I miss you
but I can't tell you that
so I try to know what's going on in your life
without asking directly

I can't stop listening to adele.
something about her purity makes me put all her songs on repeat
and most of them are love songs
so of course I think about you
which puts me on this semi self destructive path

because I already cut our ties and said that our potential couldn't exist
wouldn't compromise for you
wouldn't let you compromise for me
because I wanted you to be happy

but you know what?
I want to be your happiness
I want to be the face you fall asleep to at night
and the smile that you wake up to in the morning

My mind took everything a few steps past where it should have stopped
but it made me realize
that I would be so happy to create a family with you
raising babies and making memories with them and with each other
watching them grow
and I could be your happiness

I could be the smile that I love seeing on your face
I could be the reason you're excited to go home at the end of a day
I could be the muse to your music
the one you text during the middle of the day
because I'm still on your mind.

I described how it feels to be around you
how it felt to be around you
and I realized that I'd just described what it feels like to be in love.

I repeat myself over and over saying that it isn't fair
this jsut isn't fair
I want you.
I want you to be here right now.
I want you in California
I want you in my bed
I want to wake up in your arms and not have it be a dream

I want a future
I want tiny feet pattering in the hallways
and a treehouse built in the backyard

and maybe i'm only 20 years old
and maybe this is a little hasty
but this is new for me
this future is something I didn't see
but I want it.
I want it so badly.

But she's near you and I'm 3000 miles away
this new girl
she has dark curly hair
mine is straight and blonde.

you miss running your fingers through my hair
I hope that when you touch hers for the first time
You can only think of how it's not the same
how she doesn't fit with you the same

but if she's your happiness,
I'll settle for having happiness not with you
but for you

If she's what you know you need
I wish you nothing but the best
but if I get the chance
I'll make sure she knows
the amazing man that she's about to commit to.

Shooting Practice

So many moments with so many people
and I've had writers block forever
actually writing right now just feels.... weird.

I'm seeing Justin tomorrow. we're going to talk about eeeeeeeverything
and i'm excited
but that means I have to put all my thoughts in one place
and i have so many thoughts.

I still miss my grandmother and Gretchen. I never properly grieved for them.
I'm scared to lose my father and mother and sister even if those fears are unfounded.
I'm still coping with everyone trying to kill themselves and never taking a moment to wonder how that would affect me.
the only men I've been intimate with I've had to leave two weeks later.
I feel like I don't know how to commit.

I'm so tired of being superwoman all the time for everyone.
I can't write poetry and I don't know why. it just won't come.
I think Zach was right and I hate it
but I can't get anything to flow like it used to
maybe because I'm going through a huge change

but my words just aren't coming out like they used to
there's no ease in them any more
and i don't know where that went.

I'm scared that I won't break out of it
but at the same time
I know that this has happened before
and it always gets resolved

because I write poetry when I'm passionate
and my emotions are all tangled and wrapped up in other places
and I've been letting my mind rest
finally
so once I engage it again
it will engage with the world

and my words will come back to me.
hopefully.

Mine

I feel like I'm addicted to you.
or like we already went through a break up and i'm reminiscing on how much i enjoyed you
but I can't help it
and I don't know why
but I always want to know what you're doing
where you are and what you're thinking

You...... ugh.
words are difficult.
you make me blush.
and I say stupid things around you.
I get defensive over nothing and forget that it was you who pursued me in the first place

but i've had a lot of guys try to catch me
only to find that i'm not what they thought
or something like that.
So many go out of their way to show me how great i am and how beautiful i am and blah blah blah
but then for whatever reason
i'm not great enough or beautiful enough or interesting enough for them to stick around

and then it's over.
i'm just not what they were looking for.
i'm not needy or clingy or dependent or crazy
and so they walk out the door and i'm left.

i'm always left behind when I take a chance.

I can't sleep.
I don't want to sleep.
I want to talk to you again.
Didn't you hear how excited I was to see your name light up my phone?

I miss you, damnit.

I don't even know you.

I can't fall asleep because I want you to hold me.
I want to press my face into your chest and breathe in all of you
I want you to not let me go
make me promises that I'll believe you'll keep
prove me wrong.
show me that i've learned all the wrong lessons
that you're not like all the other ones
that you're a good idea to take a chance on

I'm more than willing to give you enough time for the skeletons in our closet to dance together
but first you have to open the door so i can get inside.
and maybe you're just more busy than I am
or it's the time change
or you're not by your phone
or you think about things differently
but I always notice when you don't text back.
I keep track of how long it's been since we last talked.
all. the. time.

and it's making me feel like this crazy needy psycho girl
and that's not who I am
but that's borne out of my own insecurities that I can't keep a guy around
because it seems like... I can't.

but being clingy isn't going to help with that.

besides, i'd rather be myself fully and if that's too much for you to handle, then i'll know things weren't right
but you originally wanted me because of who I am
uncensored and unknowing
so why should I change now?

you and I are quite special
I'm just scared to lose something so rare
without even really getting a chance to call it mine in the first place

Dreaming

You sat next to me.
threaded your fingrs through mine, dipped your head down, and said
chica, I can't look you in the eye apologize for all the things I've done

so you just held my hand instead.
you leaned your body weight against mine
and I pressed back.
My skin has missed yours more than I realized.

I woke up and it still felt like you were pressed into me
This was your final goodbye.

Either you were letting me go or I was letting you go
or we've finally drifted far enough apart that you're going to start haunting my dreams.

I don't miss you.
Not anymore.
But I hope that everything you desire comes your way.

Independent draft

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?
Actually, I don't.
Not anymore.
Not since I was told that the only thing missing in my life is a man-
but I don't see his face on the side of milk cartons
there's not police search team going through my personal life
and I sure as hell don't miss something I don't even know yet.

I can't help it though
my mom raised my sister and I to be independent
growing up I didn't understand what it meant
because when I fell down, I'd get back up; wouldn't wait for a hand to be extended past the life expectancy of a half hearted promise

but now? I get it. it means that
that the little things don't shake me
My self confidence is earthquake proof
and the epicenter of your insecurities isn't going to affect me
I'm not some delicate fragile china shop of a girl
so you can take your bull elsewhere if you're trying to break me

I have become strong, empowered, and confident.
and yet,
but I don't really understand exactly who i'm supposed to be
because
rappers tell me that i should l look like miss new booty but act like miss independent
supposed to show off my goods but keep it classy because if
I cross the line, have a run in with the wrong man, and end up being raped-
they'll say I was asking for it.

see, we're force feeding little girls images of women with waists smaller than their IQ
and we wonder who to point to when we see a 13 year old in a push up bra
she's just rying to lift herself up to the standards that have been so clearly set out for her

and i've been tempted to get a sex change just so i can cordially invite this world to suck my dick
but for now i'll settle for both middle fingers up
asking all the judgemental unaccepting minds to please fuck off
take their neatly organized boxes of men and women, blue and pink with thick lines between the two
but I was born with all the parts of my retina intact
so i see the world in more than black and white

I learned my alphabet properly so I know how to spell independent
and beautiful
and strong
and self assured
so ladies, if you know what i'm talking about
throw your V signs up
it's about time we started making peace with our bodies.

Ramblings/ stream of consciousness

Too much caffeine, I think too quickly
I need someone who talks faster
Because my mind is in five different places at once.
Where is it?
Listening to miRNA talks. How are they specific or do they have specific targets?
That asian guy over there looks familiar. I wonder why.
Also his shirt is very blue and it suits him well
I remember I used to be able to feel people’s hearts but only hwen I wasn’t in my normal frame of mind
Is my mind so constrictive that I can’t feel people’s hearts normally?

miRNAs: targets or non targets? Specific set of rules?
People love rules. Love to make things make sense
But a lot of times they don’t.
Like death. Or love.
They don’t make sense.
Or chance. Or the future.

I’m thinking about Emilio. Wondering if he’s done driving. If he can skype once he’s home.
Wondering where that’s going to go, knowing that I think he’s wonderful but honestly I’m just waiting for him to decide to leave
To get bored and walk out
That or waiting for myself to become flighty and have him not chase me
After all, that’s what happened in the past
That’s what’s always happened.
He says that this is so new and he misses me so mch and that he wants to know all my flaws
Thinks that his flaws are more scary
And that makes me wonder if I’m still censoring myself and trying to give him a sweetened down version of my mind

I wish I could talk like Zach does
Uninhibited.
I can do it for a little while but then I get self conscious and stop speaking my thoughts
Because I have so many thoughts
So many thoughts
Different thoughts that I’ve already had so they’re kind of like reruns
So many thoughts
Over and over

I miss my zach. I wonder how base camp is.
I wonder if he knows how often he crosses my mind
If he understands how much he means to me

I think so much and yet I don’t think enough
i’m totally focused and yet I want to unchain my mind
let it float free and stop trying to put it into a box
that momentary release
crash. bang. Boom.
Explosion
Supernova
Bubble being blown.
Bud opening
The first actual rays of a sunrise
Not the pink shaded clouds right before the sun actually comes up
But the first bright streaks that punch you in the eye if you look at them too long

I wonder if Emilio will hold me. Will want to hold me if he finds out I’m broken.
I wonder if you have to be broken to be a poet.
I first became a poet when I was broken by grief.
And the best poets I know embrace their broken parts even if the jagged edges cut their fingers

I wonder what it felt like to be in my own mind when I was a kid.
I felt like I was suppressing my old soul because my body was too young to handle it and it’s just been over taking me more and more as each day goes by
Adds another wrinkle to my face or another laugh line in my forehead
I wonder if I would get along with myself as a child

I haven’t interacted with a child in a while
I miss my innocence
I wonder what it would be like to spend a night next to Adam again
I don’t even know who he is any more
And we were best friends a year and a half ago

Life changes so quickly.
But I have sarah and meg and Ashley and Vanessa
And my sister and my mother
My strong women that never fail to support me and remind me that I’m a ray of sunshine
That I don’t have to be superwoman

But if I wear the cape
Sometimes it feels like I can fly
But other times I just jump off of balconies and crash land into bushes

Why am I a scientist?
Is it because of my parents?
Or because I feel like I’m a kindred spirit with the trees
I feel more comfortable holding leaves than holding hands
I’ve never had a problem with PDA when it comes to flowers
Something I can always love
Can always rely on to surprise me and amaze me
But I just love the color green
Love the way that it feels
So lush and full and vivacious

I miss speaking Spanish
Loved the way that all the r’s would roll off my tongue
How there was an el or a la in front of words so that if I blocked out the meaning and just listened
It sounded like singing
So rapid and fast and quick and happy
And happy.

And happy.
I don’t like that word.
Happy is too curt and cut off
Joy sounds much better
You can really draw out the vowel sounds

Ah fuck, I’m just rambling.
I want to experience a star imploding
Or exploding
Or the way the world looks when you’re immersed in total darkness

And if I write for long enough, my mind goes quiet
Just for a few moments
I can stare at the library shelves of my memories
But then the stacks are flooded with small shrieking schoolchildren
All demanding my attention
Grabbing for my hands and trying to lead me down different roads of thought
But I just laugh and tell them to take turns
Remember that I don’t remember what I’m supposed to remember
But memories are usually faulty and misleading
Which is why I love living in the moment
But that usually requires not thinking so goddamn much
But living in the moment also encompasses thriving in my own imagination

I am way too hard on myself sometimes

Everything is a cycle
Everything is a loop
Everything is a new beginning
A starting over
A blossom about to bloom

Everything will come and go and pass and start again
And stress will happen and then it will go away and then it will happen again
And I will have epihpanies and then I will forget them
And then I will have them again and it will feel just as fulfilling as it did the first time.

And I wish I could think of a nice way to wrap this up but my thoughts are always all over the place
Like a maze with multiple exits but only one entrance
I love wordplay
It’s like a constant Sudoku or crossword puzzle in my head
The poem is a blank set of squares and I get to choose the hints and fill it in myself
Like a giant version of scrabble
I have more fun when I stay true to who I am
And who I am is who I want to be
Which is who I decide I am by my actions

That are based on my thoughts
That will always crowd my mind
This has happened before
And this will happen again.

Like you'll never see me again

I don't remember what you feel like anymore.
My memories of you used to be so clear and exact
but now they look like a san francisco morning
looking out at the distance with blurry eyes
shifting outlines and foggy thoughts

I wondered if you would love me like you would never see me again
like you would remember kissing me in the front seat of my car to that song
remember drawing a line from the front of my chin to the back of my skull
you always had a solid grip on my mind from the beginning

but I don't remember what you feel like
I have vague spits of moments where I can feel your palms on mine
your strong grasp and the calluses on the bases of your fingers
the way that you opened your hands right before we said goodbye
how it felt to have your arms hold me
one broken person embracing another
the first time i'd felt completed in a long time

but I don't remember exactly how you felt on my skin
I've held a firefly for the first time
skimmed the salty surface of the atlantic ocean at sunset
and left my fingerprints on the buildings of times square.
but I can't recall the goosebumps that even your name alone could induce.

You were my first; you're still my last.
that moment only is fully enhanced when I can realize what it felt like to make something with another person
that night, we made poetry. we made friendship. we made love.

Honestly, I just want you to hold me.
take my face in your hands and kiss me like you'll never see me again
because you won't.
love me like this is the last time
because it is.
because it was.
because it will be.