Holographic Charizard

Handsome man
you stepped out of a dream filled with heavy basslines
and into my arms
a year and a half ago

I swear, your eyes hold the feeling of ectasy
that the ocean gets every time it pauses on the sand
before it slips away back into itself

you are the world at its most extended

and yet

as a muse
you
are terrible.

my words, once fluid like sand ever shifting down mountainsides
have solidified
into attempted sculptures to glorify your bright being

but I
am not a sculptor
I am a writer
and if I cannot write you love poetry
what good am I?

I told you the other day
that there is a moment
when getting to know someone new
when you finally get to see their soul
and i compared it to opening a new pack of pokemon cards.
because when I got to know you
when I opened that thin foil over the deepest point of you
i found that you were a holographic charizard.

because that was the best way for me to explain to everyone else
how rare and valuable you are to me (not to scale)

none of the metaphors I make are properly to scale
to explain just how much you mean to me

stupidity

I guess this is what graduate school is about.
realizing how little you know
and being surrounded by the best and the brightest

but all it feels like
is that i'm not living up to standards
that i'm actually not understanding what I should be
that i'm lacking in experience and learning
and that i'll fail.

I'm afraid that someone is going to look at me
with a dawning realization crossing their face
"you're not as smart as you should be, are you?"

not like anyone would be that cruel
except me. to myself.

I guess I should cut myself some slack...

but I want to do well
I want to succeed and discover new things

but right now all i feel capable of
is sleeping.
just letting time pass me by in an unconscious state
of unknowing
no one can call me stupid when i'm sleeping
well, at least I won't hear it.

Woman

I've never been good at being easy friends with other women
but I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by some of the most
amazing, beautiful, strong, and bright women I have ever met

only, now... I feel like the only woman in my vicinity
like those around me haven't given as much thought as to what it means to be "woman"
like they haven't struggled with gender identities and thoughts of self
keeping them up late at night
wondering if the next morning, they could truly call themselves "woman"

because I have.
"woman" was a title that I fought for
is a title that i've been fighting for since I was a girl

I believe it is a title of respect
of admiration
at something so complex and captivatingly mysterious
that is "women"

"woman" is something I call myself on days when my self confidence is highest
when I know I deserve such a powerful word to associate with
but I am still earning my stars
still earning each sharp angle of consonants, each soft curve of each vowel
just like true women are a combination of sharp wits and softly curved bodies

I am learning what it means to be my OWN woman
and I can't help feeling
that no one around me
is doing the same.

Love having you here

You call me your butterfly
but I might actually be a bird
based on the way that I nest.

You can see it in the way that I superimpose my love for plants
over my originally white box of a room
that turned into mochas with one dark purple splash

there are pictures of plants, fake plants, and plant stickers on my walls
they give me reprieve and sanity from dealing with the fast paced urban traffic

I keep all my cords nearly tucked away
to take emphasis off the electronics
but next to my bed
there are two phone chargers.
on my desk
there's the gloves you play with
and the hat you rarely wear but keep around just in case we take a late night walk

your jeans are crumpled on the floor next to mine
and i've had a few pairs of your boxers tucked in an extra drawer for a little while

i love having you around when you're not really here
that I can wear your shirt while you're not around
so it feels like you have your arms around me
and it always smells like your skin
a scent that I am now addicted to.

you actually like to cuddle.
you wake up extra early in the morning
just so you can have me in your arms a little longer
which makes my heart do a little tap dance inside my rib cage

I can't write poetry about you.
all the pretty words get stuck in my mind
and all that comes out is simple truths

I love you.
more than I'll really be able to say
because when it comes to words, I'm shy.
you can make me blush so easily
and i hope it stays that way.
I want to be your lady if you'll be my man
and that's how we'll always be known
I know that the rest of my life will be happy
if you're here.

All I want

All I ever wanted was to be the epicenter of global change earthquake waves
All I ever wanted was to be the face of a cause I'd be willing to die for
All I ever wanted was to be the voice of the trees; I am a daughter of the forest
All I ever wanted was to be reborn with each ocean wave that kisses each continent with the same salt water lips
All I ever wanted was to translate my passion into a language that the general public speaks

but now
all I want is you.

It's a constant pulsation between my temples
I'm hopelessly addicted and I don't even remember saying yes to the first hit

It was a night filled with flashing lights, heavy beats, and lots of glitter
and you literally appeared in front of me
I found you.
I wasn't even looking for you
I didn't even know I was looking

but now
all I want is you

I want you curled up next to me when I pull myself from my dreams
and let you taste the sweet surprise on my lips
at the fact that you actually exist

I want to speak my heartbeat rhythms into the lattice of microphones and see your face in the crowd

I want to be able to find the proper words to make you understand how much it means
that all I want
is
you.

Things that needed to be said

I want to be a woman.
I want to be strong, gentle, and graceful.
I want to treat everyone with kindness and respect
I want to be able to forgive those who wrong me
I want to be known as a hard worker
I want to find reasons to smile when I could easily keep a neutral face and blend in to the crowd

I am generally well liked
even generally well loved
I make a strong impression
but I refuse to quiet my personality
I need to get better at listening
but that's understandable because I've been working on becoming a better speaker
I am confident in my body and in my mind
I am calm and focused on my goals
I will change the world
and I should learn that I will always have self doubts
but that just means that I have room to improve
so as long as I continue interacting with the world
I will continue changing
and I will have things I dislike about myself
but there are so many things that I love.

I love my eyes and my strong calves
I love that I have curves
I love that I'm tall
I love that I love to read
I love that I have a nerdy sense of humor
I love that I am working on learning how to give everyone a true honest chance
I love that I haven't stopped chasing the dreams I've had since I was a little girl
I love that I love being challenged
I love that I won't ever stop pursuing something I want
I love myself.

Excess thoughts

I think I lost someone.
That's the only way to describe the aching that I can't get rid of
like I've left someone behind and forgotten them
and all i have is the residual trace of the impact they had on my life

maybe it's because the most influential people in my life
always
have
to leave
right after they appear

so I'm just waiting for the ones I have currently to disappear
like all the rest have

it's constant and pressing
fear of losing those I love
and fear of loving any more than I already do
because "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"
but it's assumed that love will come your way again
what if it doesn't?
what if you lost someone who was supposed to be woven into the thread of your life and make it more intricate than you could have imagined?

I realize that my identity is heavily based in those I surround myself with
so when they're gone
I'm at a loss for who to be

for someone who hasn't been abandoned that much
I have some pretty nasty abandonment issues.
I don't know where they came from but I want them to get out of my head

I can't remember when I started fearing the unknown
or when I lost track of who I am

I feel like I've been here before
this junction of different versions of myself
and I'm trying to recreate who I want to be
but I'm not sure exactly who that is yet.
I guess I'll just have to take a leap of faith
and hope that I can catch myself.

With you

I want to hold hands with you like my fingers aren't afraid of commitment.
Like they're okay with being intwined with yours
like i'm just threading the loom that i've already had set up
waiting to weave new memories into it

I want to wake up tangled in your bedsheets
with blurry eyes and hair sticking out at science fiction angles
and trace the patterns of the veins underneath your skin
blue highways that race to the speed limit of your heartbeat

I want to decorate a house with you
hang up paintings, windows to other worlds
I'd put a Monet at the foot of the bed
because you know how much I love him.

I want to travel with you
Watch the northern lights
see the sky split apart into illuminated strands of silk
that twist above our heads
like old souls dancing together have finally been reunited

I want to have a garden with you
watch tiny seedlings poke their inquisitive tips into the sunshine
as they find that everything they need
is instructed within their tiny shell
throw down roots into the dewdrop soaked soil
and we could just sit there quietly
watching things grow.

I want my blonde hair to turn white
and have you still look at me the same way.
let the laugh lines curve my face like riverbeds
indications of all the lifetimes I've lived in the years i've been given

I want to hold hands with you
until our skin starts to thin and sag
we'll leave our youth behind but we'll say goodbye like old friends
who know that we'll be reunited
the world around us will change so much
but I want to always know how it feels
to have my palm pressed against yours.

Happiness

I don't know this girl.
She looks pretty.
She has a sincere smile and a stud nose piercing
She currently lives in the same city as you
and for some reason,
I think she likes you.

Maybe it was the post on your facebook wall
that I was stalking
because I miss you
but I can't tell you that
so I try to know what's going on in your life
without asking directly

I can't stop listening to adele.
something about her purity makes me put all her songs on repeat
and most of them are love songs
so of course I think about you
which puts me on this semi self destructive path

because I already cut our ties and said that our potential couldn't exist
wouldn't compromise for you
wouldn't let you compromise for me
because I wanted you to be happy

but you know what?
I want to be your happiness
I want to be the face you fall asleep to at night
and the smile that you wake up to in the morning

My mind took everything a few steps past where it should have stopped
but it made me realize
that I would be so happy to create a family with you
raising babies and making memories with them and with each other
watching them grow
and I could be your happiness

I could be the smile that I love seeing on your face
I could be the reason you're excited to go home at the end of a day
I could be the muse to your music
the one you text during the middle of the day
because I'm still on your mind.

I described how it feels to be around you
how it felt to be around you
and I realized that I'd just described what it feels like to be in love.

I repeat myself over and over saying that it isn't fair
this jsut isn't fair
I want you.
I want you to be here right now.
I want you in California
I want you in my bed
I want to wake up in your arms and not have it be a dream

I want a future
I want tiny feet pattering in the hallways
and a treehouse built in the backyard

and maybe i'm only 20 years old
and maybe this is a little hasty
but this is new for me
this future is something I didn't see
but I want it.
I want it so badly.

But she's near you and I'm 3000 miles away
this new girl
she has dark curly hair
mine is straight and blonde.

you miss running your fingers through my hair
I hope that when you touch hers for the first time
You can only think of how it's not the same
how she doesn't fit with you the same

but if she's your happiness,
I'll settle for having happiness not with you
but for you

If she's what you know you need
I wish you nothing but the best
but if I get the chance
I'll make sure she knows
the amazing man that she's about to commit to.

Shooting Practice

So many moments with so many people
and I've had writers block forever
actually writing right now just feels.... weird.

I'm seeing Justin tomorrow. we're going to talk about eeeeeeeverything
and i'm excited
but that means I have to put all my thoughts in one place
and i have so many thoughts.

I still miss my grandmother and Gretchen. I never properly grieved for them.
I'm scared to lose my father and mother and sister even if those fears are unfounded.
I'm still coping with everyone trying to kill themselves and never taking a moment to wonder how that would affect me.
the only men I've been intimate with I've had to leave two weeks later.
I feel like I don't know how to commit.

I'm so tired of being superwoman all the time for everyone.
I can't write poetry and I don't know why. it just won't come.
I think Zach was right and I hate it
but I can't get anything to flow like it used to
maybe because I'm going through a huge change

but my words just aren't coming out like they used to
there's no ease in them any more
and i don't know where that went.

I'm scared that I won't break out of it
but at the same time
I know that this has happened before
and it always gets resolved

because I write poetry when I'm passionate
and my emotions are all tangled and wrapped up in other places
and I've been letting my mind rest
finally
so once I engage it again
it will engage with the world

and my words will come back to me.
hopefully.

Mine

I feel like I'm addicted to you.
or like we already went through a break up and i'm reminiscing on how much i enjoyed you
but I can't help it
and I don't know why
but I always want to know what you're doing
where you are and what you're thinking

You...... ugh.
words are difficult.
you make me blush.
and I say stupid things around you.
I get defensive over nothing and forget that it was you who pursued me in the first place

but i've had a lot of guys try to catch me
only to find that i'm not what they thought
or something like that.
So many go out of their way to show me how great i am and how beautiful i am and blah blah blah
but then for whatever reason
i'm not great enough or beautiful enough or interesting enough for them to stick around

and then it's over.
i'm just not what they were looking for.
i'm not needy or clingy or dependent or crazy
and so they walk out the door and i'm left.

i'm always left behind when I take a chance.

I can't sleep.
I don't want to sleep.
I want to talk to you again.
Didn't you hear how excited I was to see your name light up my phone?

I miss you, damnit.

I don't even know you.

I can't fall asleep because I want you to hold me.
I want to press my face into your chest and breathe in all of you
I want you to not let me go
make me promises that I'll believe you'll keep
prove me wrong.
show me that i've learned all the wrong lessons
that you're not like all the other ones
that you're a good idea to take a chance on

I'm more than willing to give you enough time for the skeletons in our closet to dance together
but first you have to open the door so i can get inside.
and maybe you're just more busy than I am
or it's the time change
or you're not by your phone
or you think about things differently
but I always notice when you don't text back.
I keep track of how long it's been since we last talked.
all. the. time.

and it's making me feel like this crazy needy psycho girl
and that's not who I am
but that's borne out of my own insecurities that I can't keep a guy around
because it seems like... I can't.

but being clingy isn't going to help with that.

besides, i'd rather be myself fully and if that's too much for you to handle, then i'll know things weren't right
but you originally wanted me because of who I am
uncensored and unknowing
so why should I change now?

you and I are quite special
I'm just scared to lose something so rare
without even really getting a chance to call it mine in the first place

Dreaming

You sat next to me.
threaded your fingrs through mine, dipped your head down, and said
chica, I can't look you in the eye apologize for all the things I've done

so you just held my hand instead.
you leaned your body weight against mine
and I pressed back.
My skin has missed yours more than I realized.

I woke up and it still felt like you were pressed into me
This was your final goodbye.

Either you were letting me go or I was letting you go
or we've finally drifted far enough apart that you're going to start haunting my dreams.

I don't miss you.
Not anymore.
But I hope that everything you desire comes your way.

Independent draft

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?
Actually, I don't.
Not anymore.
Not since I was told that the only thing missing in my life is a man-
but I don't see his face on the side of milk cartons
there's not police search team going through my personal life
and I sure as hell don't miss something I don't even know yet.

I can't help it though
my mom raised my sister and I to be independent
growing up I didn't understand what it meant
because when I fell down, I'd get back up; wouldn't wait for a hand to be extended past the life expectancy of a half hearted promise

but now? I get it. it means that
that the little things don't shake me
My self confidence is earthquake proof
and the epicenter of your insecurities isn't going to affect me
I'm not some delicate fragile china shop of a girl
so you can take your bull elsewhere if you're trying to break me

I have become strong, empowered, and confident.
and yet,
but I don't really understand exactly who i'm supposed to be
because
rappers tell me that i should l look like miss new booty but act like miss independent
supposed to show off my goods but keep it classy because if
I cross the line, have a run in with the wrong man, and end up being raped-
they'll say I was asking for it.

see, we're force feeding little girls images of women with waists smaller than their IQ
and we wonder who to point to when we see a 13 year old in a push up bra
she's just rying to lift herself up to the standards that have been so clearly set out for her

and i've been tempted to get a sex change just so i can cordially invite this world to suck my dick
but for now i'll settle for both middle fingers up
asking all the judgemental unaccepting minds to please fuck off
take their neatly organized boxes of men and women, blue and pink with thick lines between the two
but I was born with all the parts of my retina intact
so i see the world in more than black and white

I learned my alphabet properly so I know how to spell independent
and beautiful
and strong
and self assured
so ladies, if you know what i'm talking about
throw your V signs up
it's about time we started making peace with our bodies.

Ramblings/ stream of consciousness

Too much caffeine, I think too quickly
I need someone who talks faster
Because my mind is in five different places at once.
Where is it?
Listening to miRNA talks. How are they specific or do they have specific targets?
That asian guy over there looks familiar. I wonder why.
Also his shirt is very blue and it suits him well
I remember I used to be able to feel people’s hearts but only hwen I wasn’t in my normal frame of mind
Is my mind so constrictive that I can’t feel people’s hearts normally?

miRNAs: targets or non targets? Specific set of rules?
People love rules. Love to make things make sense
But a lot of times they don’t.
Like death. Or love.
They don’t make sense.
Or chance. Or the future.

I’m thinking about Emilio. Wondering if he’s done driving. If he can skype once he’s home.
Wondering where that’s going to go, knowing that I think he’s wonderful but honestly I’m just waiting for him to decide to leave
To get bored and walk out
That or waiting for myself to become flighty and have him not chase me
After all, that’s what happened in the past
That’s what’s always happened.
He says that this is so new and he misses me so mch and that he wants to know all my flaws
Thinks that his flaws are more scary
And that makes me wonder if I’m still censoring myself and trying to give him a sweetened down version of my mind

I wish I could talk like Zach does
Uninhibited.
I can do it for a little while but then I get self conscious and stop speaking my thoughts
Because I have so many thoughts
So many thoughts
Different thoughts that I’ve already had so they’re kind of like reruns
So many thoughts
Over and over

I miss my zach. I wonder how base camp is.
I wonder if he knows how often he crosses my mind
If he understands how much he means to me

I think so much and yet I don’t think enough
i’m totally focused and yet I want to unchain my mind
let it float free and stop trying to put it into a box
that momentary release
crash. bang. Boom.
Explosion
Supernova
Bubble being blown.
Bud opening
The first actual rays of a sunrise
Not the pink shaded clouds right before the sun actually comes up
But the first bright streaks that punch you in the eye if you look at them too long

I wonder if Emilio will hold me. Will want to hold me if he finds out I’m broken.
I wonder if you have to be broken to be a poet.
I first became a poet when I was broken by grief.
And the best poets I know embrace their broken parts even if the jagged edges cut their fingers

I wonder what it felt like to be in my own mind when I was a kid.
I felt like I was suppressing my old soul because my body was too young to handle it and it’s just been over taking me more and more as each day goes by
Adds another wrinkle to my face or another laugh line in my forehead
I wonder if I would get along with myself as a child

I haven’t interacted with a child in a while
I miss my innocence
I wonder what it would be like to spend a night next to Adam again
I don’t even know who he is any more
And we were best friends a year and a half ago

Life changes so quickly.
But I have sarah and meg and Ashley and Vanessa
And my sister and my mother
My strong women that never fail to support me and remind me that I’m a ray of sunshine
That I don’t have to be superwoman

But if I wear the cape
Sometimes it feels like I can fly
But other times I just jump off of balconies and crash land into bushes

Why am I a scientist?
Is it because of my parents?
Or because I feel like I’m a kindred spirit with the trees
I feel more comfortable holding leaves than holding hands
I’ve never had a problem with PDA when it comes to flowers
Something I can always love
Can always rely on to surprise me and amaze me
But I just love the color green
Love the way that it feels
So lush and full and vivacious

I miss speaking Spanish
Loved the way that all the r’s would roll off my tongue
How there was an el or a la in front of words so that if I blocked out the meaning and just listened
It sounded like singing
So rapid and fast and quick and happy
And happy.

And happy.
I don’t like that word.
Happy is too curt and cut off
Joy sounds much better
You can really draw out the vowel sounds

Ah fuck, I’m just rambling.
I want to experience a star imploding
Or exploding
Or the way the world looks when you’re immersed in total darkness

And if I write for long enough, my mind goes quiet
Just for a few moments
I can stare at the library shelves of my memories
But then the stacks are flooded with small shrieking schoolchildren
All demanding my attention
Grabbing for my hands and trying to lead me down different roads of thought
But I just laugh and tell them to take turns
Remember that I don’t remember what I’m supposed to remember
But memories are usually faulty and misleading
Which is why I love living in the moment
But that usually requires not thinking so goddamn much
But living in the moment also encompasses thriving in my own imagination

I am way too hard on myself sometimes

Everything is a cycle
Everything is a loop
Everything is a new beginning
A starting over
A blossom about to bloom

Everything will come and go and pass and start again
And stress will happen and then it will go away and then it will happen again
And I will have epihpanies and then I will forget them
And then I will have them again and it will feel just as fulfilling as it did the first time.

And I wish I could think of a nice way to wrap this up but my thoughts are always all over the place
Like a maze with multiple exits but only one entrance
I love wordplay
It’s like a constant Sudoku or crossword puzzle in my head
The poem is a blank set of squares and I get to choose the hints and fill it in myself
Like a giant version of scrabble
I have more fun when I stay true to who I am
And who I am is who I want to be
Which is who I decide I am by my actions

That are based on my thoughts
That will always crowd my mind
This has happened before
And this will happen again.

Like you'll never see me again

I don't remember what you feel like anymore.
My memories of you used to be so clear and exact
but now they look like a san francisco morning
looking out at the distance with blurry eyes
shifting outlines and foggy thoughts

I wondered if you would love me like you would never see me again
like you would remember kissing me in the front seat of my car to that song
remember drawing a line from the front of my chin to the back of my skull
you always had a solid grip on my mind from the beginning

but I don't remember what you feel like
I have vague spits of moments where I can feel your palms on mine
your strong grasp and the calluses on the bases of your fingers
the way that you opened your hands right before we said goodbye
how it felt to have your arms hold me
one broken person embracing another
the first time i'd felt completed in a long time

but I don't remember exactly how you felt on my skin
I've held a firefly for the first time
skimmed the salty surface of the atlantic ocean at sunset
and left my fingerprints on the buildings of times square.
but I can't recall the goosebumps that even your name alone could induce.

You were my first; you're still my last.
that moment only is fully enhanced when I can realize what it felt like to make something with another person
that night, we made poetry. we made friendship. we made love.

Honestly, I just want you to hold me.
take my face in your hands and kiss me like you'll never see me again
because you won't.
love me like this is the last time
because it is.
because it was.
because it will be.

Good morning

I fell asleep tracing your outline into my sheets
and woke up with your name traced onto my lips

Your words whispered me the kindest lullaby that was joined by the birds with enough audacity to start singing before the sun had kissed this side of my sanity Good Morning.

Good Morning.
you're the first one that I thought of even when I can't fully think straight
when I'm in the limbo between dreaming and reality
where I can still pretend like I'm pulling you close to me
but it feels more real than it should.

Good Morning.
I spent my few hours of sleep wondering when I'd be able to wake up next to you
hoping my subconscious could weave the threads of our conversation into a tapestry that made sense
one that I could curl up with when I get cold in the middle of the night
but no such luck has graced me yet.

Good Morning.
It's the moment as the world around me is starting to take its first deep inhale upon regaining consciousness
that moment before all your regular thoughts come flushing back like high tide
when you are completely aware of everything and know how greatness feels
until you forget it a moment later
and return your mind to its normal way of thinking

Good morning.
tell me that I've only been dreaming for the last three hours and not the last eight
tell me that everything you said is true
tell me all the stories that I can see waiting for me behind your eyes
tell me the smallest details of things you see and notice; pictures you would take if only your camera could properly get the message across
tell me how it feels when I make you flush with joy, with apprehension, with anticipation, with desire
tell me I'm beautiful and I just might believe you
tell me if I've made a effective enough dream catcher for you
tell me if I've helped the nightmares stop gripping you with fingers of disbelief
or if i've made it easier to run back to the comfort of reality once your subconscious releases its grip
tell me all the secrets that you have and you have collected
tell me whispers of stories you don't want anyone else to hear
tell me that you know you're on my mind
first thing when I wake up

Good Morning.
this
this is a new day
full of more surprises than the last because this one
is seen through a different shaded stained glass
there are prisms everywhere I look, light being bent refracted reflected and changed
and my mind is running at full speed with no sign of stopping anytime soon
but the only thought that I have in this small moment
is how much I would love to be pressed next to your chest
skin pressed to skin
fingertips and heartbeats intwining
and hear you murmur softly into the soft heat of my neck
those two simple words

Good morning.

three thousand miles

I miss you.
god, i miss you.

it's this constant presence in my mind and pressure in my chest
and I don't want to miss you but i do and it keeps happening
my train of thought pulls into stations that i'd rather pass through
rather not remember how your fingertips felt when they were intwined with mine
how you got a sparkle in your eye every time you spit poetry
like some part of your heart was shining through

and you said your heart was gone, was broken, wasn't able to be given any more
so i said i wouldn't give you mine.
but here's the problem:
I don't want anyone else to have it.

don't want anyone else to know the secrets of my skin
don't want to show them all the scars written in invisible ink
I don't want to let anyone else in

because if I do
i'm afraid I'll forget how you felt.

but at the same time
i want to sleep next to a stranger to erase you from my hands memory
you're the last person that I kissed
and I don't know whether I want to embrace that fact or run the fuck away from it

I keep having bipolar arguments inside my own head
inside my own heart
that don't lead me anywhere
except to lead me to being distracted,
wishing that i could have you near me and yet finding acceptance that you're so far away

you are approximately three thousand miles away from me right now
but to be more exact, it's about 2,836 miles. I checked.
which is about 54 hours by car
or five and a half by plane
and none of this really means anything
because it's not like you'll hear it anyway
it's just a way for me to stop thinking about the fact
that I miss you.

Closing chapter

I made it through all the anger.
Through a five hour plane ride, two finals, and a lack of sleep.
I'm on the other side of the country from you- I even dipped my fingers in a different ocean in the hopes that it would wash away the memories written on the lines of my fingerprints

You told me that in my own way with my own voice, I saved your life.
you said to remember to take the lightbulbs with me under my fingertips because it would help knowing my hands know the way.
You reminded me not to forget to use my voice and asked me to save somebody for you out there.
you thanked me. for being born.

I deleted your text messages.
All of them.
I had them saved for the last seven days as a reminder of that late night call
when I told you everything that my hands were afraid to write
I said how much I wanted to see you again
but I knew it wouldn't happen.

I still miss you, I miss your touch, your laugh, your voice
the way that you would get really quiet and speak to me softly
kiss my wrists when I had my hands on your shoulders

You told me that you couldn't give me anything
so I didn't ask you to
but I gave you all that I could.
I wanted you to have anything that could help soothe the anger behind your eyes

So here's to the future
to not knowing when our paths will cross again
and I'm alright if they stay separated
because you're part of the story that I'm still writing.

Chaos pt 2

In the last seven days
I have seen you three times
for a total of 22 hours
but if I could count the amount of time that I think of you when you're not around
that last number would be a lot bigger

and last year I stumbled upon a quote by Nietzsche
You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star
I knew it was beautiful but I didn't fully understand it
part of me knew I was supposed to be moved by it
but it never really sunk in
until I met you

you have so much chaos in your soul that you've given rise to entire galaxies
and I feel like I'm just sitting here in the dark
always trying to find serenity
walk along the path back to my center
leaving chaos as the ultimate indulgence
like the last piece of seven layer chocolate cake
I would only consume it on rare occasions
but the frosting would be too thick or the flavor would be too rich
and I would always leave it half finished
never fully enjoying my slice

until you appeared.
well, you didn't really appear so much as you were already there
and I was the one to walk in
lock eyes with you
and see that there was something burning behind your tiger lily eyes
the thing I didn't know about having chaos in your soul
is that it transforms you into someone on fire
and you were keeping the flames just below your skin
it was the most beautiful dance of embers I've ever seen.

you ripped apart the airwaves between us
and i couldn't help moving to the new music of dissonance.

In the last seven days, I have seen you three times for a total of twenty two hours.
but the time that I'm going to be spending thinking about you in the years to come
is a number that I don't want to think about.

Magnets

This is something I hope I don't have to read again.
Something I hope I don't have to write again.
Because I can't tell you everything
so I'll keep you here
pressed between the pages in my mind
and the space between my fingers and the keys that would type
please don't leave me.

I can already tell that I'm going to miss you more than I can even begin to understand.
but you have nothing to give me, and I have nothing to give you.
but we are opposite sides of the same magnet
we make a complete circle.
and yet, we form the point that the circle will be broken at
in less than a week.

To say that I value your time is an understatement.
moments with you are currently my most precious commodity
and I can't get enough of them.

You don't understand why I'm here.
You think I'm bat shit insane.
Well, I probably am.
but that doesn't change the fact that you make my whole body sing.
my soul starts trilling when you walk in the room
my mind bounces around gleefully when your name lights up the screen on my phone
hell, I've even actually sung in front of you.

I feel comfortable around you.
and I know that you've had enough people tell you that to make it sound old
but I'm not like that
I don't get comfortable
I don't let my guards down
I don't walk away from the strength that I've been building for so long.

I'm trying to figure out what we're creating
so that I can understand what I'm going to take away from all of this
but I think it's going to be wordless, nameless, faceless

So here's to hoping that I won't miss you too much.
that you won't get buried too deep into me
that pulling you out won't break too many things
I promised that you wouldn't hurt me
and I stand by that.
I'll probably end up hurting myself by accident
but if we can both heal a few fissures
patch together some of our jagged earthquake cracks
then this will be worth it.